Friday, October 30, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Halloween

Last night was my first ever Trick-or-Treating as a homeowner. I'm not going to lie, I didn't do anything. I just sat on the couch, scratched my nuts, and kept stealing candy bars out of our dish. I like to think that I was saving America's youth from a lifelong struggle with Diabetes. In that respect, I am quite the humanitarian. But if you look at it another way, I was really just stealing candy from kids. I can live with both of these traits.

I will say this though: at least the first Halloween as a homeowner is awesome. I got drug to the grocery store with She$ the other week and I was drifting in and out of consciousness while pushing the cart. "Can you help me find the shampoo that I have a coupon for?" What? No. I'll be in the frozen pizza aisle. And, of course, I was completely out of it until she said that it was time to pick out Halloween candy.

Kroger has an insanely large candy aisle for this time of year and I was the proverbial kid in the candy store. I started yelling at the wife not to get Smarties because those things are horseshit. I approved KitKats, Reese's, Nestle Crunch, and Snickers AKA the Mount Rushmore of trick or treating (although Twix reigns supreme over was not on sale though). She snuck in a few bags of SweetTarts because she is a retard that likes eating flavored chalk. I think we got into an argument about Milky Ways. I find them to be awful, and she likes awful candy. I won that round. I still can't get over the fact that She$ likes candy corn and those heart-shaped antacids that they sell around Valentine's Day. Sometimes I think that she was lucky to marry me.

For all you aspiring homeowners waiting for your first Halloween and fat distribution, these are can't miss:
-Awesome: Snickers, Nestle Crunch, KitKat, Reese's anything, Butterfingers, Nerds, Baby Ruth, 100 Grand, the underrated PayDay, know, pretty much anything with a crunch is acceptable
-Fruit: fruit is a perfectly good thing to give out as long as you consider Starburst, Skittles, and the elusive Spree as fruit...which I most certainly do
-Unacceptable: Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Bit-O-Honey (worst candy ever), homemade popcorn balls, suckers, random grab bags that feature a bunch of shit candy, and who could forget those weirdo caramel-thingy's in the generic orange and black wrappers. If you know anyone who gives out those turds, you should report them to the authorities. I would rather eat a Snickers stuffed with razorblades than those caramels.

Like I said, I left the dispensing to the wife since I got home from work an hour into trick-or-treating. Here's the thing though. I freely admit that I was still going door to door in costume trolling for candy with my buddies until I was 16. Too old, you say? Fuck you. My neighbors gave out the good shit. Any kid can walk up to a door in a GoBots costume. It takes a real winner to knock on someone's door wearing a ghoul mask and standing 6 feet tall begging for not one but two Twix, bitch. Anyway, should I be a stickler over this in the future? Surely there are teenagers still doing this. Getting free candy might be America's new pasttime. I don't want to turn someone away and then wake up the next morning with toilet paper in the trees and "BALD ASSHOLE" spray-painted on the door like Larry David.

Fuck it, I would probably just cave in and give them candy. After all, I once went trick-or-treating with Cramer who didn't wear any costume at all but proudly told everyone in the neighborhood that he was "Phil from Pantera". Worst costume ever. Moral of the story? Buying candy is awesome, eating leftover candy is even better, and don't buy shitty candy that you do not want to eat yourself (York peppermint patties come to mind).

***Good luck to The Wig Master tomorrow as he is getting married. I will be there putting down copious amounts of whiskey and potentially waving my penis around. We'll play it by ear though. At least for the whiskey part...Spike is definitely getting a Danza Slap.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the good wishes! Enjoy your whiskey responsibly tomorrow. I look forward to partying with you!

--the Wig Master

Anonymous said...

What the hell is it with this area having Halloween not on 10/31? When I was growing up we had Halloween on fucking Halloween..none of this 29th of October bull-shit.

Good candy choices..although I'll admit to liking me some sweet tarts.


Grumpy said...

We get lots of 16 yr. olds with no pretense of a costume. Just carrying a pillow case. I tell them to fuck off. And candy corn is great.

GMoney said...

Grumpy probably gives kids Werther's Originals.

Wiggy, if you are looking for someone to sing The Warrior during the reception, I am your man.

Dustin said...

I put an apple on our candy tray to see if any fags would take it.. Of course the first person who saw it took it! Idiots!

Tony B. said...

I agree with Drew. Having Halloween on the 29th is retarded. Is it really that hard to read a calendar?

I have to be honest, I agree with you on every candy except Milky Way.

Anonymous said...

I think you should still buy the shitty candy to hand out only to those 16 year olds still getting candy, unless they have a sweet costume.

Also, is there any candy worse than candy corn? That shit is terrible! I would gladly trade 2 milky ways or 3 musketeers for 1 snickers, though.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

I just came up with the greatest idea only a fat man could come up with. Reeses needs to come out with a Halloween peanut butter cup. You know how the easter ones are 10 times better than the origonals, they need to do the same thing for halloween...and christmas...and 4th of July. You get the point.

Then again, I have been moving all day and have only consumed a 24 oz coffee so I would probably eat a turd if it were in front of me.