Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Family


I hope that you all remember this feature because we're diving headfirst back into that well again today. If you recall, I used a few posts leading up to my wedding trying to figure out why things are done the way that they are. It went over quite well with this blogging community. Today, I've got more questions...and I think that I could use your help.

After the wedding, I gained quite a few new family members. In fact, I gained a shitload of family members. I am now an uncle to 6 kids (including a Godfather to my youngest niece). This terrifies me. A lot. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT KIDS WOULD BE INVOLVED!!! You see, in my previous life as a bachelor, I probably interacted with kids MAYBE once every two or three months. That it not a stretch either. I was fine with this arrangement. Kids and I have never seen eye to eye. I have no patience and they are annoying. But with one "I do", oh shit, meet your Uncle G-Funk. And he does not care about what happened at school today.

As I said yesterday, the in-laws visited the mansion this past weekend. It was a true test to my familial skills. I'm not used to sharing. I'm not used to playing. I'm not used to thinking about anyone other than myself and what I want to do. I'm not used to answering a million stupid kid questions like, "Why do you live so far away from the playground"? Case in point, the nieces and nephews were asking She$ for a snack during the OSU/Wisky game and she told them that they could have some Cheez-It's. For the next 30 seconds, all that I could think about was "She better not be giving them my box of Cheez-It's. She better not be fucking giving them MY BOX. NOBODY EATS MY CHEEZ-IT'S BUT ME!!!" She did not because she knows me and knows that little kids digging their grubby, germ-filled hands into my box would have led to a massive Uncle G$ blow-up. Disaster averted.

So I've been thinking, since I AM a newbie as an uncle, what am I supposed to do? How should I be handling this new role? I am literally clueless. I have no patience at all. I've led the state of Ohio in flipping off other drivers for 6 years in a row. But I have to realize that kids are idiots and ask a bunch of stupid questions. That is what they do. And I can't get pissed because they don't know any better. After all, they are family now. I figure that there are 4 different categories for, ummm...Uncledom(?), and I'm trying to determine which part I was born to play (like Troy McClure in Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off). The subgroups:

1. The Weird Uncle - Obviously, no one WANTS to be the weird uncle but they do exist. Considering that I make a point out of refusing goodbye kisses and trying to avoid hugs at all costs, I don't see myself ending up here despite what my sweatpants boner might say.
2. The Pushover Uncle - I'm already trying to not be this guy. If you always do what the kids want you to do, you spoil them. Is there anything worse than a spoiled kid? They are the most annoying creatures on the planet. They should be beaten with extension cords. I don't give a shit if you want to go to the park now, you will wait until halftime, dammit. I'm giving up my usual full day of college football/watching my ass get fatter for you all, the least you can do is give me a peaceful second quarter of a game that I don't care about.
3. The Cool Uncle - I have no chance at this. Their other uncle lives in south Florida and has a pool. I have a mouse in the house and a love for digging at my scrotum. Even I admit that he's cooler than me. Plus, I spent 16 straight hours watching TV (no lie) on Sunday...kids can't even sit still for 16 minutes.
4. The Laidback Uncle - This is more up my alley. I want to be liked, but I don't want them to want to come down and see me all the time. I can handle (barely) some quality time once in awhile, but I don't want to make a habit of this. When it comes to seeing Uncle G$, less is always more. Otherwise someone is going home in a bodybag. This works for all groups of people by the way.

I thought about adding The Asshole Uncle and The Life Lessons Uncle, but who in the Hell is mean to kids that aren't theirs? And LL Uncle needs daily access to influence the kid's lives. I don't have that and, as of my current feelings, I never want that.

The good thing about my situation is that it's a two-way street here. I'm learning how to be an uncle to them, and they are trying to figure me out. And I'm a motherfucking enigma, baby. There is no chance that some kid is going to figure out what makes me tick. They already know two truths about their new uncle: I have no problem saying no and asking me to push them harder on the playground is a horrible idea.

Most of you out there are probably uncles and some of you are dads, what is expected of me with my nieces and nephews? I want to be a good uncle. I don't need to be great, but above average would be just fine. Like I said, this is all new to me. After all, kids and I normally are mortal enemies. Thoughts?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a Gay Uncle...seriously...and for some reason I don't even think that falls into the Weird Uncle category....it's just one in it's own.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

It's hard to be serious after that post, but try to get them interested in your passions, football, gay porn and scratching their balls. You can bond over common interests.

GMoney said...

Drew, you have a lot in common with one of our own then. Maybe we could classify your uncle as "Take It Up The Asshole" Uncle?

Anonymous said...

"Take It Up The Ass Uncle" works for me. I also have a buddy who has a gay midget Uncle...but, they call him "Aunt Matt".

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I used to work with one of your in-laws and know her four children very well, pretty scary... but quit being a pussy and give the kid some damn cheez-its!

Tony B. said...

Why do you live so far away from the playground???

GMoney said...

It's TWO fucking blocks, Tony! Welcome back, by the way. Hope the honeymoon was bonerific.

By the way, I took a beer with my down to the aforementioned playground on Saturday. Nothing says awesome quite like pounding a LaBatt's next to the swings.

Mr. Ace said...

Nothing says pedophile like pounding a Labatt's next to the swings.

rstiles said...

I'm going to take your post seriously - you just have to grin and bear it when they come over...

When I was engaged, we had to go see my fiance's niece and nephew at least once a week...it SUCKED!!!...and she knew I hated going, so she would want to stay over there longer just to stick it to me...

So try your best...if She$ knows you hate it, she will stick it too you...

Remember this, She$ holds all the cards now that you said "I Do"...you lost all your power brother!!!

rstiles said...

Think about this, maybe one of these brats will become famous and be rich...they may remember how nice Uncle G$ was when they were young, so they may throw you a few bucks...

GMoney said...

You make good points, Stiles. Thankfully, the once a week for you is an every other month for me.

Anonymous said...

Be thankful that you live further away. LHoffman batgirl gets to watch our 16 month old about once a week.

Be grateful you do not have to babysit, because you know She$ would offer as much as she could.

Hoffman

Anonymous said...

You did one of the most important things by already saying "No" to them. However, they will test you over and over again and you will eventually cave in and give them your damn Cheez-Its (yes, you are pathetic). Props on the beer at the playground. I do agree with Mr Ace though, does say pedophile if they aren't your kids.

-Burgei