Friday, October 09, 2009
Boy, do we have a treat for you all today. Remember Mr. Ace? He was the ugly guy who filled in for me over my wedding and has sporadically posted here since. Well, he and I (mostly me) had an idea. We decided that it was time we got to know some of our commenters. Mr. Ace is well known for his interview skills while I'm still learning. But we decided that everyone needed to know commenter Dut a little bit better. Which is why we "set up" an "interview" with his "dad". His father was more than happy to spill some of the inner-most details of his son's life. Here is the transcript of the conversation between Dut's Dad, Mr. Ace, and your boy, G$.
G$: Thanks for agreeing to do this, Dut's Dad. The daily readers of The Money Shot would like to thank you as well.
DD: How did you two get in here?
G$: I hear that all time. Don't mind Ace, he's just rummaging through your fridge.
DD: Stay out of my Pabst's!
G$: OK, enough with the pleasantries. Let's talk about your son for a little bit.
DD: Are you serious? You want to talk about Dut? His mother and I don't even talk about him anymore.
G$: Well, indulge me anyway. What was Dut like as a child?
DD: Child? Child please! If you want to get the true essence of my son, we need to go back to his birth.
G$: Wow, we're going improv already! Ace, you might want to hear this!
Ace: NOM NOM NOM.
DD: Anyway, we have a daughter your age, G$, and she turned out just fine. The wife and I figured what the hell, let's give it another go-round. Little did I know that it was possible to give birth to a 7 pound turd. WHY DIDN'T THE DOCTORS TELL US THIS!!!
G$: You could tell it was a failure from the beginning, huh?
DD: I got a vasectomy the next day.
G$: Whoa, you really must have been disappointed.
DD: God damn right I was. Let me ask you something, G$?
G$: Wait, I'm asking the fucking questions here.
DD: Whatever, queer. You know how Dale Earnhardt is the biggest badass to ever live? A true intimidator. A warrior. And do you know how his son is one of the biggest loads of monkey sperm ever? He's a fucking loser. Junior is the reason that Senior drove into that wall. He just couldn't deal with the disappointment anymore. I'm in the same damn boat...I just haven't found a good enough barricade yet.
G$: I understand what you are saying. How could two titans in the game of life spawn such failures? It makes perfect sense.
G$: Tell me about Dut's childhood.
DD: Well, after he was born, his mother and I were quite sure that he was retarded. What with all the drooling and falling down, it was pretty obvious to the untrained eye. So we had him all set up in the 'tard classes and he was failing miserably. He was getting the worst grades in the class. We thought that maybe some new water-wings or a new helmet would help, but it was a waste of time. This kid was well on his way to cleaning up the shitters at McDonald's. But one day, his teacher called us in to see some of his horrendous finger-paintings and she informed us that our son was definitely not mentally retarded. Sure, he was physically and socially retarded still, but he was no longer able to be in that class. We didn't even find this out until he was in 7th grade. Apparently, he was just stupid.
G$ and Ace: Wait a minute, he is NOT retarded?
DD: Nope, swear to God. The diploma from Bowling Green might say differently, but he is not a retard.
G$: Then how do you explain his terrible fantasy football skills or his fandom of the Cleveland Browns?
DD: I guess I don't have an answer for that. But he is most definitely NOT retarded.
G$: Huh...this is alot to take in. I'll tell you what, why don't I give your bathroom an upper decker and Mr. Ace can continue this interview.
Ace: Dut and Uncle T are very close...VERY close. When was it that you knew they would be leading a similar lifestyle?
DD: It didn't take me long to realize that Dut was a little queer. He used to play with Barbie's, but he always had a special thing for Ken.
Ace: Did he used to bend Barbie over and have Ken bang her on top of the playhouse kitchen counter...not that I ever used to do that.
DD: No. He used to take Ken and a G.I. Joe and have them make dinner. I asked him what he was doing and he said Ken was making Creme Brule and G.I. Joe was fixing sushi...that was pretty much a dead giveaway that my son was destined to taking it in the pooper.
Ace: Did you ever think about calling a Priest and exorcising the gay demon out of him? I hear Tony Dungy is world renowned for his techniques.
DD: We actually decided to try that once. Uncle T said he knew some place that specialized in queer cleansing so we allowed him to take him. Dustin was gone for almost the entire day so we got a little worried. We found Uncle T's car at an abandoned building and walked in on Uncle T performing his own special cleansing.
Ace: What does that mean?
DD: Well, let's just say that Uncle Timmy was claiming to try to exorcise the gay out of Dustin by sticking his own little gay demon inside him.
Ace: I always thought Dustin walked a little funny and now I know why.
G$: Hey guys, what did I miss?
DD: Absolutely nothing.
G$: Tell me, DD, did your boy have any weird tendencies growing up?
DD: Oh you mean like the time I caught him beating his meat to his mom and I's wedding pictures? Is that weird enough for you?
G$: Well, puberty is a weird time for teenage boys.
DD: This happened last fucking weekend after he got back from Spengygate!
G$: So what is your best guess? Was he using you or your wife as his launch point?
DD: Next question.
G$: OK then, last topic. The holidays are coming up. Has Dut sent you his Christmas list yet?
DD: Oh sure. He's asked for the same damn thing every year since he graduated high school. He wants a fucking Fathead of Derec Alexander. You know, a naked dude Fathead. He insists that they make them. I keep telling him that he's a fag.
G$: Twisted shit. So what are you going to get him?
DD: I haven't given him anything in years.
G$: Why? Sounds sort of ruthless.
DD: Don't get me wrong, I want to get him something. But the problem is, I have no idea how to wrap a punch in the face.
G$: Nice. And what does a good son like Dut get you for Christmas?
DD: Last year he gave me a hug. A FUCKING HUG. I bring him into the world, raise him as a retard, put up with all of his incestual whacking, and he has the nerve to give me a hug. I refused that homo's gift.
G$: That does seem weak of him.
DD: But Dut always gives me one thing that I love...watching him pull out of the driveway to head off to whichever gay bar in Columbus will let him in. Because that moment is the longest time until I have to talk with that imbecile again. And that makes me smile.
G$: And on that note, since Ace and I ate everything in your fridge and completely fucked up your plumbing, I think we can wrap this up. Thanks a lot for talking with us today, Dut's Dad. Ace, you got anything else?
Ace: You have a fantastic flavor saver. Does your lovely spouse enjoy mustache rides as much as your son?
And there you have it...the legend of commenter, Dut. A disappointment to anyone who has ever met him. Please don't kill me, Rog.