Thursday, October 22, 2009


I promised you no baseball talk today and I plan to keep that promise, dammit. Instead, how about another fable from G$'s life? They are usually pretty good for a few laughs, no? And how about's yarn involves my brief basketball career.

For those of you have met me, I do not look like a baller at all. I'm short, white, and a bit of a "space eater". But growing up, there was always a spot for me on the court because I was unselfish and smart. I knew that I couldn't shoot so why embarrass myself by launching airball three's? Didn't make sense to me. So despite slowing the offense down to a crawl and gasping for air pretty much right after the jump ball, I went through youth hoops and middle school as a point guard. Think Lavance Fields but much paler.

You can laugh all you want to, but I took the ball to the rack like Tony fucking Parker, bitch. And I wasn't half the fag that he is. I was serviceable in that role. I would say that I played point guard like The Kyle Orton Express plays QB. I'm not going to win you games, but I sure as shit won't lose them either. I did not have a neckbeard and addiction to Jack Daniels at the time of my ballin' though. That was likely my downfall.

So, it's time to head to high school where the talent pool gets larger. I tried out for the team and made it. It was kind of weird though as half the roster was comprised of parochial school kids (like Damman) while the other half was public school hardasses (like me). If I recall, practices early on were pretty competitive as basically there were two tribes trying to prove their superiority. I'm fairly certain that despite my 7th and 8th grade game management skills, I was relegated to the 5th guard on the proverbial depth chart. I didn't necessarily believe that the 4 ahead were better than me, but I really didn't bust my ass to be the best basketball player that I could be. Needless to say, I didn't get many reps. If you are the borderline 12th man of a freshman basketball team, you can read the writing on the wall. It's pretty fucking clear that this is going to be the end of the line.

At this time, I would like to talk about our 9th grade coach. He was (and still is probably) an asshole. He was a screamer. He ran our asses off. He made us practice at 6:30 AM. He had rancid breath. He wore a golf shirt with the slogan "I only golf on days that end in 'y'" on it. He made me run during a practice for saying "my bad" after one of my numerous fuck-ups when he preferred "my fault". God, I hated freshman basketball simply because of the coach. Actually, you know what, he was the original G$. Fucking Spieth used to call him that behind his back. And then he started calling me that. What a fuckhead. He didn't even give me an original nickname. FUCK YOU, SPIETH!

As far as the season went, it was...relaxing. I didn't have to exert much energy. But Coach made sure that everyone started at least one game and got some burn in every game. I guess that was nice. I don't really remember my one start from that year but I'm sure it was short-lived and I bet that I chucked up a terrible shot of some sort. I don't even think that I scored in double digits all year. I do remember making back-to-back three pointers in a game though. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was put in in the third quarter for some reason and no one was guarding me the first time I had the ball. Shot from That may have been the first three that I ever made in my life. The next time down the floor, I got a pass on the wing and almost as soon as I touched that pass, I was launching from NBA range. Swish. I couldn't make back-to-back three's again if you gave me a thousand tries at it. I'm sure I picked up fouls on the next three possessions and had to be yanked but I will always remember the one Saturday morning in The Grand Canyon when I was instant offense.

But freshman hoops was not all "one starts" and "lucky-ass three's". Nope, not even close. The end of the bench was where it was at. Between Pickle, Rune, and I, there has never been a greater collection of 10th through 12th men in the history of hoops. It was really funny listening to our asshole coach scream at the guys who actually played. That goes for all of life in general. Isn't it awesome to see someone get yelled at? I was particularly fond of Coach's love for screaming at after-hours commenter, Hoffman, EVERY GAME for not getting rebounds. He even smacked his leg once...pure greatness.

Anyway, the three of us at the end of the bench had a little contest during every game. You see, Coach was an overly animated prick on the sidelines who often times would get red-faced and behave like a child. He also had a tendency to stick his ass directly in our faces. Literally, about an inch away from our faces. I have no idea why he put his anus so close to our noses, but that was his style. So we decided to start a running tally of "Asses In The Face" or AITF's. I think that most that I ever had during a game was 5 and I'm pretty sure that Rune ended up "winning". Pickle was too busy screaming at the opposing team's fans to shut up to keep an accurate total. Counting up AITF's really helped me get through a tough year in which I lost my love for basketball (which came back with a vengeance once I started playing intramurals the following year).

I tried out for the JV team the next year for reasons that I will never understand. It was a complete waste of time. I didn't want to play anymore, I had developed the body of an offensive lineman during the football season, and, again, I wasn't good. Pickle, Rune, and I all got cut our Sophomore year and none of us were surprised. It's pretty hard to be a good basketball player when your coach is implying that you toss his salad during games.

I don't really have a closer here so I'm just going to share a tidbit from that 9th grade year of hoops. Have you ever in your life seen a starter be taken out of the game before the game even started? I have. The aforementioned Hoffman achieved this greatness. I have no idea how this happened but he got hit in the face with the opening jump ball by the ref, bloodied his nose up pretty damn good, and was subbed for before a second came off the clock. It was about as unathletic and impressive as it gets.

Wait, I guess I do have a closer. Our intramural champion team, The Pacers, would have destroyed the varsity team our Senior year. How about that for smack, Damman?


Anonymous said...

I'm not going to get suckered into this Pacers vs Wildcats argument again. I'll just say the only times they would play us was at 2 a.m. at some loser high school party when we were all drunk. If you knew this Pacers squad you would know it was a huge advantage for them.

Best halftime dialogue from that frehman year:

Coach: "Hoffman, how many rebounds do you have in the 1st half?"

Hoffman: "Uh....2?



Grumpy said...

Now this is the shit that makes us come back to The Money Shot. Stop fucking around analyzing the Yankees dick sizes and tell more stories like this.

Dustin said...

2001 pacers>1999 pacers

Dustin said...

Damman- stop making excuses. It sounds like it was an even playong field, and you lost!

Anonymous said...

Dut, which year are you referring to? Sophomore or Junior year?

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Dut, he always makes excuses about our bench guys beating him. It's embarrassing really. Buke beat him at his own house for God's sake. Black and Wendt destroyed D and Spieth and those two were our 9th and tenth best players.

We should have represented the school in sectionals that year.

Nate B. said...

Are you sure you want to get started about the 2001 Pacers, Dut? They weren't even the best Sophomore team that year.

Mr. Ace said...

You're god damn right Nate B, the Bucks were the team to beat in that 2001 season.

Tony B. said...

My freshman coach made us run if anyone said "my bad" as well. The difference was he preferred "our bad" because it's everyone's fault when someone else sucks, I guess.

Dustin said...

We didn't take you suckbags seriously. I believe the line was pacers by 40 or something. I the bucks got off to a huge lead only for the pacers to come back and lose on a miracle half court shot. Pacers would win 99 of 100!!!

Mr. Ace said...

And I would like to take credit right now for drawing up the greatest in-bounds play in the history of basketball that made that game winning basket possible. And I got the assist.

Nate B. said...

Don't be embarrassed Dut. You just got beat by the better team.

GMoney said...

FYI, Ace is running the show tomorrow with an exclusive behind-the-scenes interview with ESPN's Most Wanted. Should be good.

Anonymous said...

Playing in sandals on gravel against experienced drinkers...we/I were in a bad spot. G$ never participated in any of these games by the way. We always tried to set up real games on a real court but they were always conveniently "busy" during those times.

Wait, I said I wouldn't get sucked into this again...never mind.


GMoney said...

You couldn't beat our bench players. You never earned the right to play the starters.

Anonymous said...

This is real after hours so I am sure no one is reading this comment.

I still hate Glenn to this day for being such an asshole.

I have one other notable basketball achievement besides getting pulled from the game before the tip, I fouled out in the first half of a JV game my sophmore year.

By the way it wasnt till I came on board that the 99 Pacers could legitimatly take on the "varsity squad".