Friday, October 23, 2009

An ACEterview With The Birthmarked Bandit and "The Biggest Douche Bag in The Place"

MR.ACE: Wow. It is such a pleasure to be hanging out with two of the top on-air talents at the World Wide Leader. And even better to be getting a tour around Bristol.
Steve Phillips: Well, I don't know if we are quite the top on-air talent here...but we are pretty awesome.
Erik Kuselias: Yeah, you would think that everybody would know who I am, but everybody always confuses me with this guy whose last name must be to be that guy.
ME: I know, I was joking. You guys are fucking terrible. Pam Ward is twice the man that both of you are.

ME: Let's just get right down to it, what is it with you ESPN talking heads and production assistants? You know you can just go buy a hooker and it will be a lot less hassle.
EK: Do you understand what we have going on here?
ME: I think so...
EK: Steve, he has no clue. Come on Ace, let me show you around this place.
ME: Alright, let's get this tour going.

EK: Over here, we have the newbie department. Young ladies who have been with the company for less than three months.
ME: Okay? So this is where all the "grunt" work gets done? Getting coffee, research?
SP: More like salad tossing and nut gobbling!
ME: What?
EK: Yeah, this is where we break in all the new talent. We have to find out early if these girls are ESPN material.
SP: If the newbs can't crank out Cleveland Steamers in record time then they just don't belong here.
EK: Yeah, if these ladies can't produce then we send them over to Fox News with all those wannabe skanks.
SP:...fucking posers.
ME: So the WWL is just like a sex ring for recent grads? No wonder Terico stayed here so long.

ME: Whoa, what goes on over here? Why are all these girls covered in mayonnaise, maple syrup, and vomit?
SP: Oh, that's Berman's office.
EK: Proceed with caution.
ME: I think I've had enough of this tour.
EK: Oh come on, we haven't even gotten to Linda Cohn's lair.
ME: Count me out.

ME: I don't even know where to go from here. I'll just ask, why?
SP: There is just something about those sexy college girls fresh out of school. They are still in their prime and don't have saggy tits like my wife.
ME: Umm, Steve. Is this the girl that you are referring to?
SP: Yeah, I totally banged her.
ME: I would have rather stuck my dick in a dead manatee...maybe even a Rhinoceros.
EK: Seriously, I almost killed myself when I put it to Dana Jacobson. But that bitch makes Dana look like...well...a less ugly and less manlier version of Dana Jacobson. Dammit.
ME: Pipe down, doucher. I will get to you later. But Steve, was this the only one you could get to sleep with you? I expect more from on-air talent like yourself.
SP: I tried. For some reason all the really hot ones want to fuck John Kruk...I can't figure it out. I was desperate to find any young talent I could. For awhile I was stuck getting toothy blowjobs from Shelley Smith in the dressing room.
ME: Christ. You are pathetic.

ME: What about you Erik? At least you were able to grab yourself some decent on air talent.
EK: Yeah, the ESPN chicks dig me.
ME: Again, I was joking. How old is she? 50? It looks like her face is made out of leather. Stephania Bell is no catch.
EK: If you think her face looks like it is made out of leather, you should see her beef curtains.
ME: Holy shit. I just threw up all over myself...and I can't stop. Quick, bring up something not as disgusting as Stephania's beef curtains.
EK: Dana Jacobson's ass looked like a Woolly Mammoth. It really turned me on.
ME: Oh fuck. Get me a gun.
EK: For what?
ME: So I can pistol whip you.

ME: The last thing I really need to figure out is...what the fuck is this birthmark that is all the rage?
SP: Oh man, I'm glad you asked. The mark above my dick is actually a tattoo of Mo Vaughn. Once that fat fuck tanked I got a tattoo of him so that when I lay on my left side it looks like my dick is in his mouth.
ME: That is way cooler than a birthmark.
SP: I thought so.
ME: And what about the other spot below your sack?
SP: Oh, that is Chancroid.
ME: What the fuck is Chancroid?
SP: Look it up.

ME: Well thanks guys. It has been really great getting to know what goes on at the WWL.
EK: It was our pleasure. You're welcome back any time.
SP: Yeah, stop back next Tuesday. We all dress up like Harold Reynolds and Sean Salisbury and mushroom stamp each other. It's a hoot.
ME: No thanks, fellas. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go burn all of my clothes and take a bath in Clorox. Good day, gentlemen.


GMoney said...

Berman's vomit-filled office and Mo Vaughn dick tattoos...well done.

Grumpy said...

Exceptionally well done. Mr. Ace always asks the pithy questions. Pithy? Look it up.

Tony B. said...

Nice work Ace. Good insight in the sexual exploits of two idiots.