Monday, September 28, 2009

The Worst Of Week 3--Aww Hell, You Know Who It Is

Oh look at us. Tom Cruise roots for our team. We are soooo Hollywood. And everyone knows that being cool is much better than being good. The Steelers are probably the least cool team in the league, but I would much rather have a team that is loved by Scientologists!!! YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE PLAYS IF FUCKING MAVERICK LIKES YOU.

There is no list today. There is only one team that deserves to be called the most pathetic franchise in sports. For one week at least, we'll ignore the Browns. It's time for me to unleash hell, fire, and brimstone on the only team in the league worse than Eric Mangini's abortion. I mean, the Skins would still beat the Browns, but they aren't the team that ended the fucking streak.

1. The Washington Redskins
Sonofafuckingbitch. How do you lose to the Goddamn Lions? One of the more underrated aspects in sport is being able to point to a time during the season in which you saw your team quit. When did I see the team that I love more than almost anything roll over and die? Oh, that's easy.

That would be when they got stuffed on 4th and goal by the shitty ass Lions and then gave up a 99 yard touchdown drive to follow. That was the moment. Right there. The season is officially over. You can't come back from that. Oh, but that drive COULD have been stopped. Allow me to explain...

On 3rd and 4 from the WAS 35, Fatface Stafford threw an incompletion. The Lions committed offensive pass interference as well. Any sane person would decline the penalty to make it 4th down. Either go for it or see if Jason Hanson's AARP Card can kick from 52. No, the Redskins accepted the penalty to make it 3rd and 14 and then gave up 21 yards on a Fatface scramble. Nice fucking decision, Coach. Not only are you a horrible playcaller, have lost your team, could deepthroat a telephone pole, and take a pine cone up the ass, but now you have no in-game management skills at all. I guess I shouldn't say "now" since you have never had them.

Jim Zorn needs to be fired this week. Hell, I would have fired him in the locker room after the game. To make it more embarrassing, Snyder should have Tom Cruise shit-can this idiot. Shit-can him and then have the entire team shit on his face. I bet he gets off on that though.
He is in way over his head. He has no idea what he is doing. His gameplans are awful (because he doesn't have them). If you have had the misfortune of watching the Redskins at all this season, you will know that they run only two plays: Portis behind Chris Samuels and an assortment of 3 yard passes. That's it. Zorn's playbook is half the size of one in Tecmo Bowl. He is a fucking God awful coach. And Greg Blache is a shitty ass defensive coordinator as well. Those two can ride out of town together. I'm excited to see which coaching legend is stupid enough to come and work for Snyder and Fetus Face though. I'm a fucking fan and I wouldn't want to work for those assholes. Mike Martz seems like a match made in Hell.

I have never been more embarrassed to be a Redskins fan. This is fucking rock bottom. Losing to a team from Shittown, USA. Sure, I can shrug off douche texts from Dut and Ace and Jon Saul and Beanie/Seal who must have taken a break from tossing each other's salad, but them being fags doesn't change the fact that my team lost to the fucking Lions. The fucking Lions.

For the love of God, my football teams are awful. The Redskins look like a top 3 draft pick next April. The RedHawks are staring 0-12 in the face. Ohio State's defense is covering up the stench of JaMarcus Pryor's poor-ass play. I can't catch a fucking break as a fan. I can't continue to live like this. Week after week of disappointing performances is killing me. Even my "team that I root for this year", the 49ers, choked on some nuts yesterday ti Dickbag Favre. Fuck this shit.
I get it. It's probably hilarious to laugh at my misery. Well, laugh it up, cunt-smears, because I will have my revenge. May you all have your faces ripped off by the drunk whore that blew Thompson in the Stube parking lot on Saturday afternoon.


Anonymous said...

If I wasn't so emabarrassed by my own team, I would have sent you a text as well. But I realize that the Skins would beat the Browns by 3 touchdowns. You should feel lucky that you have it so good.

Don't degrade the greatness of Pass 1 or Pass 2 from Tecmo Bowl by comparing it to Jim Zorn's offense.

Don't get too execited Detroit fans, your baseball team is ready to finish of one of the all time great choke jobs in baseball history this week.


GMoney said...

3 field goals, not touchdowns. We don't get into the endzone.

Anonymous said...


What a beautiful day yesterday was. I fell in love with Stafford and I think Schwartz might actually be the first good Lions coach ever.

I'm also glad that Mr. Ace lost money betting against the Buckeyes for the third straight week.

Fuck your ass G$...My Lions took you down and my fantasy team also took yours down.


GMoney said...

I don't know who has disappointed me more this year: the Skins or Tom Brady.

Enjoy it now, Drew, because in two weeks when the Tigers get swept out of the ALDS, it will come back on you tenfold.

Mr. Ace said...

I only sent you a text because you sent me a text last year after an Eagles loss...but I probably would have sent it anyway.

Did you see John Riggins ripping Snyder? I believe the quote was something like "but the owner, Daniel Snyder, is a loser and you can't fix that.". YOUR organization is in shambles and I love it.

Good thing Snyder gave Zorn all those responsibilities; HC, QB coach, play has really paid off big for your readers.

GMoney said...

You got that text because:

-the Eagles lost to the Skins
-the Eagles got SWEPT by the Skins
-you are a douche
-you lost a bet to me

Anonymous said...

Hey G Money, I thought of you yesterday and had to stop by the sight and make sure you didn't go Delonte last night. I would love to rub it in but since the only jersey in my closet I can wear with any pride is a youth large Eric Metcalf jersery from 6th grade, I only offer my condolences.


Mr. Ace said...

You got this text because:
-and I was truly concerned you might off yourself.... AND YOU LOST TO THE FUCKING LIONS!

rstiles said...

Stafford played well for only his 3rd game in the NFL...

Look at the Browns, Quinn has been around for 3 years and lost his job to a journeyman...

Anonymous said...

Great Rant. Great choice of words/wording. definatly some new ones. Zorn needs to go. How about hiring Romeo Crennel, if they can get him from doing coors light commercials.

Tony B. said...

The only proper way to fire Zorn would be to have Tom Cruise dress up as Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder and not only fire Zorn, but also threaten him as well. "A nutless monkey could do your job..."

Remember, if you were the Niners in Tecmo Bowl, you could also call Pass 3 from the shotgun. That was the shit.

J Beanie said...

I love it when another fan base feels worse than the Browns. That doesn't happen very often.

What would the chances been if the Redskins and Browns played this year that the game would end in a 0-0 tie? 99%? 100%? Thank God we don't have to watch that game.

Dustin said...

That is the first and only time ill ever root for the lions. How sweet it is!

Do we really have to watch 13 more browns games this year?? These guys are hopeless. I am no longer a Brady Quinn supporter.

GMoney said...

Tony, good call on Les Grossman. I would trade Zorn for a hobo's dick cheese right now.

We play Tampa next week who I noticed just benched Leftwich to start their rookie. Good move by them seeing as we are known to make rookie QB's look awesome.

Bucs/Redskins...that should be a barn-burner.

Anonymous said...

I believe Tampa's QB is in his 2nd year.

GMoney said...

You're right. I read Johnson but thought that they were starting their first rounder from this year. Is it Freeman? I'm sure he sucks.