Monday, September 21, 2009
Oh boy. This might be the most hungover blog of all time. You see, Shags got married on Saturday night. She$ stayed home due to work which left me to party with my dawgz. Shags' dad told everyone to order "doubles" instead of regular drinks at the bar. I put down about 40 14/14's (double 7/7's). I damn near puked at the bar after the reception. I started back-to-back N-a-p-o-l-e-o-n chants. I woke up in the hotel room knowing what was coming. Two hours later, I am violently wretching my guts out in the bathroom sink. Why the sink? Because Damman already destroyed the toilet with his puke at some point during the night. I fucking hate puking. I don't do a normal puke. I make the most horrific sounds ever when I'm shooting whiskey all over the porcelain. It's awful. But this just goes to show that no matter how old you get, you can always tie on one like you used to with your boys. Just don't count on being a productive member of society for the next three days. Awesome night but it ruined my normal Sunday football-watching joy. Well, it was either that or getting stuck with the Bengals, Lions, and Browns games yesterday. Ugh. Onto the worst of the week.
Honorable mention: my colon, my stomach, my brain...see above. Had a bad, bad day.
Honorable mention 2: Jeff Reed - way to cost your team a game, ya faggot. Missing two easy field goals??? James Harrison has raped uglier men for less than that. Cover your butt this week, homo.
5. Titans Defense - Whoa. They looked awesome against the Steelers last Thursday and then follow that up by getting gashed by the gash known as Matt Schaub. Seriously, Schaub is not good. He shouldn't be putting up numbers like that over three games let alone against a Jeff Fisher coached team at home. And should we be starting to get nervous about Steve Slaton? He's averaging about -12 yards per carry.
4. Brady Quinn - I'm about 95% sure that Quinn will be nothing more than a backup in the league. He just isn't good. He plays tentative. He takes waaaaay too many sacks. He has the dreaded "happy feet". Does anyone want to argue that the Browns are anything more than MAYBE a two win team? They suck. No team should lose by 3 scores to a Kyle Orton Express-led squadron.
3. Sean McDermott - Nice defense. I saw the feature on Fox's pregame 60 minutes of pimping that awful Strahan sitcom (Apollo Creed!!!). The Eagles defense is not good. Don't believe the hype from last weekend's Delhomme pants-shitting. These losers are going to have to win shootouts almost every week. They're like the Saints except that they aren't fun to watch and their QB knows a thing or two about ralphing. I don't care if they were playing the Saints, you can't give up 48 points in your home opener. You suck. Mr. Ace swallows.
2. Aaron Rodgers - You know, and I am guilty of this, many people said that the Packers' shitty season last year was not Rodgers' fault. Well, after watching them get destroyed by the Bengals yesterday in every facet of the game, maybe Rodgers just isn't that good. Maybe he's like Romo and Rivers and Brees...fantasy studs but losers on the field. Whoever the left tackle is for GB should be cut today. How do you give up 5 sacks to one guy...WHO PLAYS FOR THE BENGALS!!! I'll give the Pack a few more games but I'm leaning toward changing my NFC champion pick after yesterday.
1. Tom Brady - Fuck you, Tom. Fuck you in your smelly goat ass. That is SEVEN quarters now that you have sucked diseased possum nuts. You are going to cost me a G$FL win over Damman this week (likely unless the Phins kill Addai during the pregame). What is wrong with Brady anyway? He's getting outplayed by a Mexican AND Trent Edwards in less than a week! I just don't know what's the deal with him but he better quit fucking with my fantasy team, Big 'Uns. Oh yeah, and the Patriots are just a regular team now. They no longer feature that air of invincibility.
I wrote this watching Football Night In America before the Sunday Night game. Bob Costas interviewed Jerry Jones. I contemplated how soon I could get to Texas, once Jerry Jones is caste back to the underworld to be seated at the right hand of Satan, and spit on his grave. Seriously, I've never rooted for someone to die more in my life. The sooner the better. Maybe I will even violently vomit all over his tombstone. I'm open for anything really. In closing, I don't care if the Redskins won...they are terrible. Jim Zorn needs to go.