Monday, September 14, 2009
Thank the fucking Lord that the NFL is back in our lives. We forgot about how awesome Drew Brees is and that the Super Bowl loser jinx is alive and well and that the Redskins secondary blows and even that the worst QB ever lives in Charlotte. But we got it all back in spades yesterday. And it was glorious. Eventhough my Redskins lost in the Meadowlands (again), I still can't wipe this smile from my face. It's back. The sweet, sweet goodness of the NFL is back. I'm a 28 year old asshole with poison fucking ivy right now (who the fuck gets poison ivy these days?) and I still can not be mad. Football has begun. That pussy shit that is played on Saturdays is fine, but the men began this week. This is going to be a bitchin' season...and I thought that even before Bitchcakes McNabb broke his cunt-ribs. Oh, and going 6-1 on my bets this weekend also helps me be happy.
But on this site, we talk about shitty performances on Monday mornings. We are cutting the list down from ten to five though this year. I'm lazy...get over it. And without even looking, you already know who is #1 this week.
5. Steve Slaton
Ouch. 9 carries for 17 yards against the fucking Jets. I said it on Thursday and I will say it again, you people who think that the Texans are good, are fucking stupid. I guess we could throw Matt Schaub into this slot, too, because he is terrible. Seriously, who loses a home game to a rookie QB starting his first game...BY 17 POINTS!!! Terrible. I think we can get Gary Kubiak's resume ready.
4. Shaun Rogers
Jesus, aren't you supposed to be the run-stuffer for the Browns? You were a damn sieve yesterday, lardo. Just in case the Browns coaching staff wasn't aware, Adrian Peterson is really fucking good and it should be your whole damn game plan to stop his ass. He proved it yesterday, but Brett Favre is no good. You want him to throw it early and often. Brady Quinn was no different either. He still sucks and can't throw the ball further than the first down chains. I stand by my pick that the Browns win one game this year.
3. The Bengals karma
What a hardcore kick in the dick loss that was. My grandma is about the most diehard Bengals fan on the planet and I was worried that yesterday's loss may have sent her to the afterlife. First of all, that game was horse shit. When you can't score in the first 59 minutes against one of the worst defenses in the league, you probably should lose. But damn...a WHITE guy scoring on an 87 yard tipped ball? That sucks. It was nice to see Ocho put up some solid numbers though. Kiss the baby.
2. Arizona Cardinals
I hate to toot my own horn (no, I don't) but I am going to be right on this one. The Cards are going to fail and fail hard this season. They lose a home game to my 49ers (suck on that, Jesse) and their leading WR was Tim Hightower. Kurt Warner looked like the Todd Boeckman Statue of Doom. I'm telling you, I have a bad feeling about these guys. Singletary rules and their defense is a bitch.
1b. Jay Cutler
Wow, that was just terrible. America's least favorite retard just proved Josh McDaniels right. What in the bloody Hell was even thinking on most of those throws? Does he just assume that he can throw the ball through the defense? Awful. Sorry, Bears fans, he's worse than Erik Kramer.
1a. Jake Delhomme
Jesus Christ...how does this guy still have a job? He has now turned the ball over TWELVE times in the last SIX quarters that he has played. How is that even possible? I would bet my life that I would do better than that. And don't be fooled, don't be foolish...the Eagles were handed that game on a silver Goddamn platter. Let's see how they do next week when Drew Brees launches 4 TD's while Kevin Kolb is dishing out $5 footlong deepthroats in the parking lot. But back to Delhomme, he is definitely the worst QB to ever play in a Super Bowl. Even worse than Donovan McNabb and he threw up all over the field.
You know, the Panthers could potentially be a team picking in the top 5 next year. Their backup QB is one of the McCown shitheads. Damn, John Fox is going to get fired, too. That sucks. At least Dan Snyder will have his pick of the litter this February after he sends Jim Zorn his severance package.