Terrelle Pryor, Defend Yourself

MR. ACE: Well hello there, Mr. Pryor. So good to see you. I'm glad you could take some time out of your busy schedule to speak with me.

Terrelle Pryor: What up, Ace? What you talkin' about busy schedule? I've been sitting in my room all day playin' Madden and listening to Soulja Boy.
ME: Soulja Boy is gayer than Uncle Tim's dick. You know you have a pretty big game this Saturday, right?
TP: So. When the game rolls around I just tell the coach to put the ball in my hands and get the fuck out of the way.
ME: You are my hero.
TP: I am everybody's hero.

ME: So you made a pretty controversial decision this past weekend. What made you decide to do that?
TP: Look, that girl was hurtin' for a squirtin' and I just had to give it to her. I'm TP, I know she wanted it.
ME: ....Uhh, what the fuck are you talking about? Did you rape somebody this weekend?
TP: Hell no. TP don't rape. No means yes, mothafucka.
ME: You are my favorite Fuckeye quarterback ever.
TP: Because I'm the best Fuckeye ever. Fuck Archie Griffin.
ME: Fuck Archie Griffin, indeed.

ME: Anyways, why did you decide to show support to Vick by writing "Mika Vick" on your eye black?
TP: Vick was my childhood idol. He's the reason I became a quarterback. He deserves a second chance.
ME: Well thats great bu--
TP: And I fucking hate dogs.
ME: Are you serious?
TP: Yes. Once a week a go and "adopt" a dog from the pound and go straight to the freeway to let it lose and watch it get vaporized by a Mack truck.
ME: What the fuck is wrong with you?
TP: That shit is fun to me.
ME: So you are supporting Vick because you envy him for strangling, drowning, and electrocuting dogs?
TP: Hell yeah. My dick's getting hard just thinking about it.

ME: And what about your quote, "Not everybody's the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever," why did you say that.
TP: I don't know. I was high.
ME: Meaning you were on a high after pulling out the victory or high because you were smoking PCP.
TP: PCP, it's a post-game tradition.
ME: Who the fuck brings in PCP for the post-game?
TP: My boy, Jamaal Berry. That dude has some of the best shit ever, he will be taking over Columbus by the time he gets kicked off the team next year.
ME: Does Tressel know about this?
TP: Hell yeah he knows. He is always buggin' us like he is a crackhead after the game. "Let me have some," "Just give me one hit," or "I'll suck your dick."

ME: So why did you decide to be a Fuckeye? They don't exactly have a remarkable reputation for turning out top quarterbacks.
TP: Honestly, I was all set to make my way to Ann Arbor and then I got a phone call that changed my life.
ME: And...
TP: Maurice Clarett called me and said I would be stupid to go anywhere but anOSU.
ME: Maurice Clarett chose what school you were going to?
TP: Yeah, he is really insightful. He inspired me.
ME: He inspired you to do what? Be a fuck-up? Slam Greygoose?
TP: He inspired me to do whatever the fuck I want in Columbus. Do you understand how huge I am here? I can do anything I want. I just got done banging Tressel's daughter's before I came here. I might go butt fuck the mayor if I feel like it. I might tell him to tickle my sack with his 'stache.
ME: You should totally butt fuck the mayor.
TP: I will. And then I will throw it inside Tressel's mouth and tell him to call me Troy Smith.
ME: Whatever.

ME: Well Terrelle, this was a great interview. I really appreciate you taking time away from preparing to get your dicks beat in by USC to speak with me.
TP: What are you talking about? South Carolina is fucking terrible. We will beat those bitches by at least ten touchdowns.
ME: Umm...you play the REAL USC. Southern Cal. The team that rolled you last year in L.A.
TP: Oh shit. Are you serious? I gotta go. I gotta make a phone call.
ME: Dude, the game is tomorrow, who the fuck are you calling?
TP: I gotta call up Schlichter and tell him to put my money on the Trojans.
ME: Art fucking Schlichter is your bookie?
TP: Hell yeah, Clarett hooked me up with him. OSU's number one program is being a con-artist.
ME: Dammit Terrelle, you are the greatest fuckeye ever. I love you.
TP: I love you too man, no homo. And tell Dustin to stay the fuck out my face.
ME: Will do. God speed.