Friday, September 11, 2009

Terrelle Pryor, Defend Yourself

MR. ACE: Well hello there, Mr. Pryor. So good to see you. I'm glad you could take some time out of your busy schedule to speak with me.
Terrelle Pryor: What up, Ace? What you talkin' about busy schedule? I've been sitting in my room all day playin' Madden and listening to Soulja Boy.
ME: Soulja Boy is gayer than Uncle Tim's dick. You know you have a pretty big game this Saturday, right?
TP: So. When the game rolls around I just tell the coach to put the ball in my hands and get the fuck out of the way.
ME: You are my hero.
TP: I am everybody's hero.

ME: So you made a pretty controversial decision this past weekend. What made you decide to do that?
TP: Look, that girl was hurtin' for a squirtin' and I just had to give it to her. I'm TP, I know she wanted it.
ME: ....Uhh, what the fuck are you talking about? Did you rape somebody this weekend?
TP: Hell no. TP don't rape. No means yes, mothafucka.
ME: You are my favorite Fuckeye quarterback ever.
TP: Because I'm the best Fuckeye ever. Fuck Archie Griffin.
ME: Fuck Archie Griffin, indeed.

ME: Anyways, why did you decide to show support to Vick by writing "Mika Vick" on your eye black?
TP: Vick was my childhood idol. He's the reason I became a quarterback. He deserves a second chance.
ME: Well thats great bu--
TP: And I fucking hate dogs.
ME: Are you serious?
TP: Yes. Once a week a go and "adopt" a dog from the pound and go straight to the freeway to let it lose and watch it get vaporized by a Mack truck.
ME: What the fuck is wrong with you?
TP: That shit is fun to me.
ME: So you are supporting Vick because you envy him for strangling, drowning, and electrocuting dogs?
TP: Hell yeah. My dick's getting hard just thinking about it.

ME: And what about your quote, "Not everybody's the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever," why did you say that.
TP: I don't know. I was high.
ME: Meaning you were on a high after pulling out the victory or high because you were smoking PCP.
TP: PCP, it's a post-game tradition.
ME: Who the fuck brings in PCP for the post-game?
TP: My boy, Jamaal Berry. That dude has some of the best shit ever, he will be taking over Columbus by the time he gets kicked off the team next year.
ME: Does Tressel know about this?
TP: Hell yeah he knows. He is always buggin' us like he is a crackhead after the game. "Let me have some," "Just give me one hit," or "I'll suck your dick."

ME: So why did you decide to be a Fuckeye? They don't exactly have a remarkable reputation for turning out top quarterbacks.
TP: Honestly, I was all set to make my way to Ann Arbor and then I got a phone call that changed my life.
ME: And...
TP: Maurice Clarett called me and said I would be stupid to go anywhere but anOSU.
ME: Maurice Clarett chose what school you were going to?
TP: Yeah, he is really insightful. He inspired me.
ME: He inspired you to do what? Be a fuck-up? Slam Greygoose?
TP: He inspired me to do whatever the fuck I want in Columbus. Do you understand how huge I am here? I can do anything I want. I just got done banging Tressel's daughter's before I came here. I might go butt fuck the mayor if I feel like it. I might tell him to tickle my sack with his 'stache.
ME: You should totally butt fuck the mayor.
TP: I will. And then I will throw it inside Tressel's mouth and tell him to call me Troy Smith.
ME: Whatever.

ME: Well Terrelle, this was a great interview. I really appreciate you taking time away from preparing to get your dicks beat in by USC to speak with me.
TP: What are you talking about? South Carolina is fucking terrible. We will beat those bitches by at least ten touchdowns.
ME: Umm...you play the REAL USC. Southern Cal. The team that rolled you last year in L.A.
TP: Oh shit. Are you serious? I gotta go. I gotta make a phone call.
ME: Dude, the game is tomorrow, who the fuck are you calling?
TP: I gotta call up Schlichter and tell him to put my money on the Trojans.
ME: Art fucking Schlichter is your bookie?
TP: Hell yeah, Clarett hooked me up with him. OSU's number one program is being a con-artist.
ME: Dammit Terrelle, you are the greatest fuckeye ever. I love you.
TP: I love you too man, no homo. And tell Dustin to stay the fuck out my face.
ME: Will do. God speed.

12 comments:

Tony B. said...

"Then I will throw it in Tressel's mouth and have him call me Troy Smith."

That's classic, Ace. LOL gets overused these days, but I literally did laugh out loud on that one.

GMoney said...

Outstanding. These fake ACEterviews just keep getting better.

I could see this loser having hurtin' and squirtin' on his eyestrips this weekend.

I've got to start working "buttfuck the mayor" into my daily conversation somehow.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace is faggot.

--Iron Sheik

Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace, I gotta hand it to you, these interviews are the best. If I could just get past the picture in my mind's eye of you and G$ together. I figure G$ for a top man. I mean, why else would he let you use his space if he wasn't getting some?

Mr. Ace said...

Grumpy, it's the other way around. G$ pays me in reach-arounds for my interviewing skills.

Dustin said...

Ps- the "mika" part has nothing to do with vick.

And I know deep down you love tp.

Jeff said...

I do have to admit, seeing something vaporized by a mack truck would be pretty sweet.

Great call on GT -5 too.

Jeff said...

And speaking of betting. Anyone know of a site that isn't too much of a hassle getting money out???

Mr. Ace said...

Blow me, Jeff. GT robbed me!!!

Dustin, I don't really care.

GMoney said...

Jeff, since they are all international, it's going to be a bit of a pain in the ass anywhere. I like BetUs (and they sponsor this site!). You have to send some account info, but it's not too intrusive.

GMoney said...

And if you refer me, apparently they will give me a bonus of 25% of whatever you deposit.

Mr. Ace said...

Betus is ran by fucking terrorists. I don't feel safe talking to them about any of my account info.

I am using superbook.com this year. I haven't had to withdrawal money yet so I don't know the process, but I know your first withdrawal is free. They also have a online casino and pokerroom.