Friday, September 11, 2009
Well, we've got one NFL game in the books. Glad to have you back, best sport ever. Today, we talk about my conference preference, the National (outstanding look, there, Mr. Rodgers). Unlike baseball, the National is not the whipping boy to their American counterpart. In fact, the two (maybe 3) best divisions in football happen to reside in the NFC. While the AFC is extremely strong at the top, they also boast 4 of the 5 worst teams in the league. Now that that has been said less than eloquently, let's talk about the NFC. I said yesterday that I've got some wacky predictions in store for the Frank Caliendo conference and I wasn't lying. But then, after reading Simmons and Magary yesterday, our picks are relatively similar so I guess that I shouldn't be patting myself on the back too hard. I'm still a fucking idiot. It's just that now I have famous company. Oh, here is Mr. Ace's NFC picks from awhile ago. They still suck. He's so stupid that he thinks an Andy Reid coached team will win 14 games...in only ONE season! Dipshit. Here are mine:
1. 49ers 9-7
I really don't know why. Someone has to. They have a good defense, and solid running game, and an asshole coach who is not afraid to show you his asshole. That's my kind of guy. They sort of remind of last year's Dolphins team except that their GM doesn't have a 40 pound gunt.
2. Seahawks 7-9
This is being dubbed as a big comeback year for Matt Hasselbeck. Whatever. I would be more impressed if he killed his sister-in-law. Their running backs still blow. I still have no idea why Julius Jones is still in the league let alone a starter.
3. Cardinals 6-10
For the most part, the teams that lose the previous year's Super Bowl have a God awful nightmare of a season the following year. Yeah, I'm betting that the same thing happens this year. After all, this is a horrendous franchise. Warner will get hurt and Leinart will suck. Beanie Wells will get hurt early and often. Why, Larry Fitzgerald's dad might not be able to sit in the press box and cover all of his son's games!!! The Cards missing the playoffs is a fucking lock...even in this division.
4. Rams 5-11
I really like Steve Spagnuolo. I like him even more since he left New York. If you were wondering what ever happened to Kyle Boller, this is where he is now. Probably still haunting Brian Billick, too. And you just know that he's going to get some PT this year seeing as Marc Bulger is a pussy who spells Mark with a "c". The "c" stands for cunt by the way.
1. Saints 11-5
This division is fucking retarded. The team that finishes last the previous year has won the division the next year for about ten straight seasons now. This means that it's the Saints turn. The offense can't be stopped unless Drew Brees' face-mole hair keeps growing, becomes a nuisance, and divides the locker room. It's happened before. I've seen it.
2. Falcons 8-8
The schedule isn't so fucking soft this year, Matty Ice. I can't stress this enough, the Falcons defense is terrible. That secondary might be the worst ever assembled. Ron Santo could burn the Falcons deep. Atlanta's coach grills tofu...what a homo.
3. Panthers 7-9
They are solid everywhere but at QB in which they are the complete opposite of solid. What would that be anyway? We'll go with Sunday Morning Diarrhea. Jake Delhomme is the NFL's version of hangover popcorn shrimp shit. Can anyone confirm that Chris Gamble still has crack eyes?
4. Buccaneers 4-12
I know nothing about this team other than that they suck, they traded for Kellen Winslow, they suck, they already fired the OC that their new coach hired, their starting QB is Byron Leftwich, and they suck. GO BACK TO THE ORANGE AND RED UNI'S, FUCKERS!!!
NFC North (or NORRIS! if you think Chris Berman is still funny)
1. Packers 12-4
This team is really good. REALLY good. The sad thing is that their fans don't deserve it. STOP LIKING BRETT FAVRE. Jesus Christ already. And speaking of too much cheese, how fucking awful are those new Pizza Hut commercials with Jim Breuer screaming "JACKPOT" all the time? An extra cheese ring...brilliant! What a jackpot idea. Breuer should kill his agent and then himself. Wisconsin: where hearts and dreams go to die.
2. Bears 11-5*
I was sour on these guys until I saw them play in the preseason. Then I sweetened! They have the chance to be really good in spite of their QB having Down's Syndrome. I'm not going all insane and picking a team that still can't stop a good passing attack to win the NFC (Peter King), but I think that they are a playoff team. Remember what I said yesterday, they play the easiest schedule in the league.
3. Vikings 8-8
This has disaster written all over it. When you combine a lame duck/dick coach with an old fuck QB coming off a season when he lead the league in picks and now says he may not play everyday like he's Roger fucking Clemens, I'm selling this team big time. Brett fucking Favre has not lead a team to a Super Bowl in over a fucking decade...why would he now when he is fucking terrible???
4. Lions 3-13
Restore the roar, motherfucker. Slowly but surely. May the Schwartz be with you. They will beat the Browns by 40 points.
1. Giants 10-6
This has to be the weakest NFC East that I can remember. Every single team has MASSIVE flaws. I'm picking the Giants to win because they have the best defense and running game combo. That's it. I don't care if their QB is the worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl (he's worse than Dilfer), they are going to the playoffs.
2. Redskins 9-7*
If you are looking for potentially this year's Titans, here is your team. They aren't flashy, no one gives them a chance, solid running game, and a bitch of a defense = sleeper team. If Jason Campbell is just decent (ie. averages 20 ppg), they can win 9-10 games with that schedule. Don't believe me? They play 4 of the 5 worst teams from last year PLUS the AFC West PLUS they play San Diego in week 17 when they will be resting everyone. Things sort of set up nicely for them. I expect a playoff appearance.
3. Eagles 8-8
All of those experts are sort of jumping off of the Philly bandwagon now that they see that the offense has no identity and the defense could be terrible this season. Not a good preseason for the Iggles and I expect the Vick signing to bring nothing but bad to them this season. What is the over/under for when McNabb gets benched? Week 6? Oh, I'm sure that Mr. Ace will pop his disgusting cakefart head in on this topic and remind us that they will be fine.
4. Cowboys 7-9
This team is an enigma. I could see them being anywhere from a 9 to a 5 win team. Either way, Wade Phillips is getting canned. And so should Jason Garrett. That little ginger rat fucking sucks. But he's not as bad at his job as Jerry Jones. That guy is a fucking loser. Fuck him and his giant videoboard. Yes, I honestly believe that on the day that he is finally cast back to Hell, I will laugh. The entire city of Dallas could use an enema.
Wild Card Round: Bears over 49ers, Redskins over Giants
Whatever the next round is called: Packers over Redskins, Saints over Bears
NFC Title: Packers over Saints
SUPER BOWL: Steelers over Packers - just because I'm tired of hearing dickbag Steelers fans refer to their city as "Sixburgh". If they win #7, those people are too stupid to come up with something clever for 7.
Yeah, I picked a repeat champ. Big fucking whoop. I don't particularly care about individual awards so I'm not going to pick those. If you've got a problem with that, I'm going to stuff an extra ring of cheese up your dickhole. JACKPOT!!! Back on Monday to discuss USC demolishing Buckeye Nation and other pro football-related tomfoolery.