Thursday, September 10, 2009
Can you feel it? The fucking NFL is officially back! No more wasting time talking about Joe Mauer! Or boring ass college football games! Or pseudo-sports like tennis! The greatest sport on the planet kicks off tonight and I've got it all covered for you (not sure what that means). When I was on my marriage-induced blogging vacation, Mr. Ace unveiled his predictions for the 2009-10 NFL season. No one cared and they were not even close to being officially licensed by this site. We did not back them up at all. Over the next two days, the REAL (bad) predictions will be unleashed like Damman at a fat chicks convention. Since the two best teams from the AFC kick off the season tonight, we'll start with the AFC predictions today with the superior conference coming tomorrow. (FYI, I'm picking records, too. They will not equal out in the end so eat shit). Let's go:
1. Patriots 14-2
Their defense may be below average (Shawn Springs sucks) and their starting tackle may be a drug narc (Toledo's own, Nick Kaczur!), but the Pats could win this division playing only 5 guys at a time. I expect, as long as Brady stays healthy, a similar season as 2 years ago when they destroyed everything in their path.
2. Dolphins 6-10
They aren't that good. They weren't last year. Good things happen when you have the worst schedule in the league (fyi, statistically, that honor goes to the Bears this year). Chad Pennington sucks. You know what's strange? I grew up in bumfuck northwest Ohio yet know two people that root for the Dolphins. What is that all about? They probably fuck.
3. Jets 5-11
I miss Buddy Ryan. I miss the threat of seeing a coach-on-coach brawl on the sidelines. I guess I'll have to settle for his son who does feature an incredible amount of creepy facial expressions. This team will be awful. Mark Sanchez is not Matty Ice or Flacco. He isn't even white!
4. Bills 3-13
Three wins may be three too many. They have a terrible offensive line, just fired their OC because "the schemes weren't simple enough", and they are coached by an idiot. T.O. is going to end up committing suicide (successfully this time).
1. Ravens 11-5
They may be more boring than five minutes of Grey's Anatomy, but I have a feeling that this team was no fluke. I like Ray Rice. Flacco seems to be relatively legit. John Harbaugh went to Miami University fer Chrissake! They'll get the monkey off of their back and beat the Steelers once this year and somehow win a tie-breaker for the division. Ray Lewis will surely do his fag dance.
2. Steelers 11-5*
It's the same damn team that they had last season except some old fuck LB is gone. They will be fine. They'll be on the receiving end of a few bad breaks though during the regular season which will force them to be a wild card team. It doesn't matter though. When you have an ELITE QB on your side, road playoff games don't mean shit.
3. Bengals 7-9
They will be better. They aren't a contender (and probably never will be with Mike Brown pinching pennies) but I have much more respect for the players and coaches due to Hard Knocks. If you want a tutorial on how NOT to run a business, look at the Bengals. By the way, Hard Knocks has been outstanding. Chris Henry wants to impregnate your baby.
4. Browns 1-15
The Raiders at home...week 16. There is your only win. Yep, you will be the first Lions win of the year, too. This entire franchise is an embarrassment. Oh, the Savage/Romeo era was a complete and utter failure but let's do the exact same damn hiring process for their replacements!!! The "Ravens front office/Belichick assistant" tree didn't work the first time and it won't work this time either. Shaun Rogers and Joe Thomas deserve better than this. Can Brady Quinn even throw a ball further than 15 yards?
1. Titans 9-7
When you play great defense, have a great o-line, and can run the shit out of the ball, you are going to win games. People will write off Kerry Collins again and they will be wrong again. He will get them to the playoffs by not making mistakes. Jeff Fisher teams don't make mistakes. Well, except when they choose Iranian mistresses.
2. Colts 9-7*
I really don't like the Colts this year. Bob Sanders might not even play and we all know that for some reason they don't stop ANYONE without him. They'll make the playoffs eventhough they no longer have their racist bigot of a coach. Whatever, this team is on the downslope. Insert random James Dungy joke.
3. Texans 8-8
Everyone thinks that they get over the hump this season. That is stupid. You do realize that this team is one Matt Schaub injury (which is only a matter of time) away from being REX GROSSMAN'S TEAM!!! Even if Schaub only misses 4 games (which they will lose all of them), this isn't a playoff team. Will be a fun team to watch, but not a winner.
4. Jaguars 6-10
You don't understand how much I wanted to pick the Jags to win this division. I really did. But I picked them to be in the Super Bowl last year and completely fucked me. Now, they must be punished even more than living in north Florida. The defense is pretty soft but Torry Holt should be a nice addition.
1. Chargers 10-6
Does anyone take worse pictures than Philly Rivers? Dude has about 400 pics alone that have made me laugh. SD's schedule is tough (outside of the 6 guaranteed wins in their division) but they could forfeit games and still lock this bitch up in October.
2. Raiders 5-11
Oh boy. Al Davis makes Mike Brown look like Dan Rooney.
3. Broncos 4-12
I hope Josh McDaniels is renting. I would fire him before the season starts. Just an awful job from day one on the job. Does anyone think that maybe, just maybe, Brandon Marshall was dropping passes on purpose in practice as a tribute to Braylon Edwards???
4. Chiefs 2-14
Am I the only one who thinks that Matt Cassel sucks and the Chiefs are fucking nuts for giving him all that money? They are rebuilding though so I'll give them a bit of a pass. Just as long as they know their role and get smoked by the Skins in a few weeks.
Wildcard Round: Steelers over Titans, Chargers over Colts
Whatever the next round is called: Steelers over Ravens, Patriots over Chargers
AFC Title: Steelers over Patriots
Dude, the Steelers are the exact same team that they were last year that no one in the AFC could touch. Why would you possibly bet against them doing the same thing? They go back to the Super Bowl. Now watch, half of their starters will get hurt tonight. By the way, expect some insanity tomorrow. You know how they say that half of the teams that make the playoffs the year before will miss it the following season? Well, I have 5 of the 6 from last year returning to the AFC playoffs meaning 5 of the 6 in the other league will be newbies. Back with the NFC in the morning. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WHEN YOU SHOULD BE TAILGATING FOR TONIGHT'S GAME, ASSHOLE!!!