Friday, September 25, 2009

Just When You Thought Herpes Was As Bad As It Gets...

(Notice my photoshop skills)
Mr. Ace: Delonte, thanks for meeting with me today. I wasn't sure if you would be able to make some time for an interview.
Delonte West: I can always make time for you, Mr. Ace. You're the greatest blogger in the world.
ME: I don't know if that is the Lithium, the Zoloft, or some form of Benzodiazepines(SIX SYLLABLES BITCHES) or probably a concoction of all of them, but I appreciate the compliment.
DW
: Nah, man. I'm not on any of that stuff. I deal with my mental illness the all natural way.
ME: Heroin, hookers, and tequila?
DW: Close...midget hookers.
ME: Well it's obviously working out for you.

ME: So you got into some serious trouble last week. What the hell is going on?
DW: People are after me, Ace.
ME: Is this one of those paranoid schizophrenic things or are there really people looking for you.
DW: I've got all kinds of people looking for me. My bookie is all over me. I took your shitty advice and lost all my money by betting on Florida.
ME: Ouch. How much are you betting? You're a fucking millionaire, you shouldn't have problems covering a bet.
DW: I bet 10 mil on Florida.
ME: Holy shit. It was the heroin wasn't it? No way a sober person drops 10 mil on a game.
DW: You gotta do something Ace, I need your help.
ME: Alright, I think I've got what you need. Take Michigan -20.5 and take the Over in that game, take CMU -16.5, take Missouri -7, take Illinois +14 and when the Iowa line gets to +10 take them. For NFL take the Under in the Redskins game and take San Fran +7. And don't say I've never done anything for you.
DW: Thanks Ace, you're a life saver...unless your picks suck again. Then you have pretty much just guaranteed me a timely death.
ME: You're welcome.

ME: But seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? You think people are after you so you ride around on a tricycle with a couple pistols and a shotty in a guitar case? Who do you think you are, Desperado?
DW: I need to protect myself. You don't know the kind of people I'm dealing with.
ME: Okay, that's fine. But why in the fuck are you riding around on a 3 wheel motorcycle if you "know" people are out to get you. You're a fucking millionaire. Buy a hummer. Hell, buy a fucking tank.
DW: Damn, you're right. I'm totally going to go buy a tank.
ME: That a boy.

ME: So your bookie is after you, but who else? You said there were other people gunning for you.
DW: Well, my biggest worry is Boobie. And he--
ME: Wait. Daniel fucking Gibson? Not even Dustin would run from that pussy. But he might run into the middle of the street and threaten to call the cops... Why is Gibson trying to kill you?
DW: There is a lot of competition for playing time and since I have shown up his minutes have been reduced.
ME: So why don't you just kick his ass?
DW: You don't fuck with Boobie. He is like the black Scarface.
ME: Really? His nickname is fucking Boobie. As in tit, breast, sweater puppy, fruits...no way this guy is trying to kill you.
DW: Trust me, he is gunning for me.

ME: So what is up with that shit on your lip? GMoney says it is just a birth mark but I think he just said that because he kissed you on the lips at the exhibition game he went to last year.
DW: It's a birth mark.
ME: No it's not.
DW: Okay, it's not.
ME: So how did you get it?
DW: It's a long story.
ME: I've got the time.
DW: Well, I was getting all tipsy at the club one night and Dennis Rodman was there with a bunch of scallywags. Me and him started talking and he said he was having an after-party at his spot later. So I stopped by and Dennis told me to follow him and this other chick back to his room. It was cool at first. Just two guys tag-teaming a skeezer like they should be. Then all of the sudden Dennis gets all serious about pulling an Eiffel Tower on this slam piece. I'm drunk, so I don't give a fuck. We assume the position, I go to give him a high five and he leans over and kisses me on the lips...rubbing his herpes juices all over me.
ME: That really sucks. There are no juices worse than herpes juices.

ME: Now that you have contracted the Herp, how often do you give it to people on purpose?
DW: Oh man, all the time. My favorite is when I go out with a girl and we are having drinks. I make sure we order the same drink and then when she looks away I rub my lips all over the edge of my glass and then switch it with hers.
ME: Dude, that is dick.
DW: Dude, I got herpes from Dennis fucking Rodman. I will fuck up as many peoples lives as possible. I rub my lips on everything. Lipstick at the mall, chap stick, tampons--I even make it a point on away games to rub my lips on every single toilet seat before the game starts in hopes that somebody's dick will be burning by the end of the game.
ME: You, my friend, are amazing.

ME: Well, I hope everything turns out alright for you. I mean, obviously Herpes is like luggage, you got that shit forever, but hopefully everything else will work out.
DW: Appreciate it, Ace. I can only go up from here...unless your picks suck again. Then I'm fucked.
ME: No worries. Either way, you've got a mental disorder and Herpes, giving you shitty picks might be doing you a favor.
DW
: Whatever asshole.
ME: Peace out.

18 comments:

Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace, the best interviewer out there. I laughed 'til I cried.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh...Mr. Ace giving out more poor gambling advice. You would think after your picks last weekend and yesterday's zinger "Taking Ole Miss -4 tonight...who is with me?", you would have given up.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You're going to get D-Lo killed.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, you're finally catching on. Do you think I am really giving you fags good advice. The sole goal of me giving my picks is hoping that you will actually take one and your bookie will hang you for non payment.

D Lo, will be alright....actually he will probably end up dead before the beginning of the season.

LikeWhoa said...

That shit was hilarious!

Dude is super paranoid, but i guess black athletes do get stuck up a lot so maybe he's just waiting for his chance!

And about the nickname Boobie...you wanna win, put Boobie in.

GMoney said...

In case some of you were not aware, D-Lo is bi-polar and has chronic depression. Just an fyi.

Mr. Ace said...

G$, I was assuming the readers would pick that up with the reference to paranoid schizophrenia, Zoloft and other prescription drugs...but fucktards are fucktards.

LW, D-Lo is just fucking crazy, whether black or white...or whatever he actually is.

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