Thursday, September 10, 2009

I Am Here To Help You Make It RAIN

The Vegas Special is coming to the big time, ladies and gents. Over at The Toolshed I used to dish out solid weekly advice throughout the the football season and I plan on bringing that same sterling advice to The Money Shot. Now, last year I went the first half of the year hitting over 70% winners...money in the bank. Then, I got complacent and took a "rest on your laurels" approach and paid for it. My picks slipped back to average and my advice became meaningless. But guess what bitches, I'm back and here to give it to your bookie like Shawne Merriman gives it to a drunk Asian hooker.

First, let me tell you how my first weekend of football betting went. Here were my picks:
Michigan -13
Va Tech/Bama Over 38
Miami +6.5
Northern Illinois +16.5
Alabama -6.5

Baylor/Wake Under 53.5

Tulane/Tulsa Under 61.5
Baylor +2.5

Penn St. -27
Toledo +10
Oklahoma -22

That's right, 8-3. And you will notice that five of those picks are green, that is because I placed them all together in a five play parlay which netted me 25-1 odds. BOOM! I'm typing this up on my gold fucking plated laptop while eating beluga whale babies and getting a taint massage from Donald Trump's daughter. Just take my advice and you can be right next to me living the good life. The picks:

Clemson @ Georgia Tech. Georgia Tech -4.5. This is the lock of the week. I love Josh Nesbitt and I love him even more in a Paul Johnson offense. I would take GT even if the line was -10. GT played a nobody opening week but they racked up 335 yards rushing and their starting running back, Jonathon Dwyer, only accounted for 95 of those yards on 7 carries. The reason I love this pick even more is because C. J. Spiller was pulled from the game last week after pulling him hamstring. Yes, he will play in this game, but its hard to believe that there will be no lingering effects. Also, Clemson beat Middle Tennessee State 37-14, but Clemson ran back a kick return and a punt return to get to that number...that won't happen against GT. Take GT and give the points.

Stanford @ Wake Forest. Stanford +3. I got to know Wake very well last year. I was all over them at the beginning of the year last year because their defense was top notch, they finished near the top in turnover margin, and they were showing up in the big games. Unfortunately, for Wake, teams that finish near the top in turnover margin tend to move back toward the average the next year and turnovers were the only reason they were winning last year. That's exactly what is going to happen. Skinner through three INT's against a shitty Baylor defense. Stanford is better than Baylor. Here's a number for you, Stanford is 8-0 after rolling a conference opponent by 3+ touchdowns. They beat WASU 39-13 last week. Take Stanford and the points.

USC @ Fuckeyes. USC -7. You knew I was going to go here and it has nothing to do with my hatred for anOSU, as GMoney would like to say. I have no idea how this line hasn't shot up to -10, but it hasn't and you should be thanking the retarded Fuckeye faithful for keeping the line where it's at. I have just one question for you; Is it a big game? YES IT IS. Take USC and give the points.

Another one I like is taking the Over in the Toledo/Colorado. The O/U is set at 54 and I expect Toledo to put up 40 by themselves. Sure, Colorado may end up edging the Rockets at the end of the game, but the O/U line is going to get destroyed. Take the Over.

I am scared to death of Week 1 in the NFL. I think I have found a couple winners...but betting on the NFL in week one is like jumping behind the wheel with Billy Gillespie. The Picks:

Philadelphia @ Carolina. Philly -2. This line started off at Carolina -1.5 and has quickly made its way to a 3.5 point swing. Jake Delhomme is terrible. Philadelphia is simply going to outscore Carolina. This is going to be the year that the Panthers finally can Delhomme for good. He will be responsible for three turnovers and Philly will roll. Fly Eagles Fly.

Chicago @ Green Bay. Green Bay -3.5. Jay Cutler is a fuck and I simply can't not bet against him. The Bears defense is getting old and Green Bay's offense is poised to take an enormous step forward this year. Aaron Rodgers is going to light it up. Rodgers announces to America that he is a legitimate MVP candidate and Green Bay starts off with a big win. Take GB...and don't worry about that half point.

I can't believe I am going to say this, but I like Detroit at +13. Pierre Thomas probably isn't going to play and...IT'S 13 FUCKING POINTS IN WEEK ONE! One more reason, Detroit is 8-1 ATS as double digit underdogs. Count it. Take Detroit and the points.

You're welcome. Give us your picks in the comments.

11 comments:

GMoney said...

Betting parlays might be the most retarded practice of all time.

I was 2-1 ATS last week and 0-2 on o/u. I need to stick with picking against Washington State who is somehow only getting 3 points this weekend versus Hawaii. JUMP ALL OVER HAWAII ON THIS ONE.

rstiles said...

I like the Lions too...it's a new season, last year's records mean shit in the NFL...

Mr. Ace said...

G$, I bet two parlays every week. They are usually over/under heavy and I only bet about 25% of what I would bet on a normal play.

I'm also taking Oklahoma State at -15 because they are playing Houston. I figured this line would be -25.

Dustin said...

Ace- you failed to mention that I owned you in picks last season.

I don't disagree with you jumping all over USC this week. After last year, and how shitty osu looked last week, all signs are pointing to a USC blowout! Ohio state is usually very good ats though!

GMoney said...

Dut, you mentioned that last weekend about the Buckeyes being good ATS but I'm going to need some stats to back that up before I believe it.

Oh, and use more exclamation points, ya fag!!!

Daniel said...

Toolbox: Why don't you post on your own damn site again? I don't understand why you said you "quit," but you just don't go away. You are the Brett Favre of Bloggers.

Daniel said...

I forgot to add, GMoney, I think this makes you Brad Childress of the Blogosphere. Do you send a sweet 1994 Grand Prinx to the Napoleon Ace Hardware to pick up the Toolbox whenever you want him to write a guess post for you?

GMoney said...

Excellent commenting, Daniel. It's a shame that I will have to destroy you in the DFL.

Daniel said...

I forgot to add, GMoney, I think this makes you Brad Childress of the Blogosphere. Do you send a sweet 1994 Grand Prix to the Napoleon Ace Hardware to pick up the Toolbox whenever you want him to write a guest post for you?

Sorry for the double post, I had to edit some spelling mistakes in the last post. That post was messier than Uncle Tim's bedsheets while watching the Little League world series!!

Mr. Ace said...

That's what the fuck I'm talking about Daniel. Well played.

And don't look now, but my GT team is up 21-0!!!!

Mr. Ace said...

NOOOOO!!!! FUCK YOU JOSH NESBITT!!