Wednesday, September 02, 2009
It's time for the contributors to start flexing their predicting muscles here during College Football Preview week. So far, we've exposed the frauds and the potential cinderellas, looked at the mess in Ann Arbor, and tried our hand at firing people. Today, things get bold. They get messy. Hell, we're even covered in a sticky film that may or may not have come from me staring at these LSU coeds for hours. Yeah, that's definitely DNA. I wish that I went to LSU. Anyway, right now is high time that we unleash some sexy predictions. Some of these will come true. Most of them will be awful. Either way, here they are.
1. Oklahoma St will win the Big 12. I see big things from the Cowboys this year. They will pull the rug out from Texas and Oklahoma after beating Georgia to start the year. They will win the Big 12 South and then take the conference. All those offensive weapons (mainly Zac Robinson and Dez Bryant) will outshine the more hyped Longhorns and Sooners.
2. Notre Dame will make a BCS game. As much as it kills me, with this terrible schedule (includes Washington, Washington St. and Michigan) the Irish make their grand return to getting destroyed in a BCS game. They will go 9-3 which will be good enough to get into the BCS. Fat ass keeps his job for another year.
3. USC will lose 3 games in the regular season. They are due for a down year and with all they lost last year to go along with more than likely starting a freshman QB, this year is it. They will lose at Ohio State, at Oregon, and at Cal. Even the almighty Pete Caroll will not be able to overcome the key losses and a freshman QB. With their players' salaries getting steeper lately, there was just not enough left to spread around to the new recruits. See, the bad economy is even affecting USC.
1. Greg Paulus will be good with the 'Cuse. I don't know why I think this. I hated him at Duke. But I've seen the high school tapes on the kid and he has a gun. I assume that Syracuse will be awful and he will need to wing it around a lot. I think he has a good season.
2. Texas loses 3 games this year. I'm rooting for them since they were royally fucked out of the national title game last year, but I just don't see it happening. The schedule is tougher, they have absolutely no running game, and Buckeye destroyer, Quan Cosby, is gone. And let's not forget, Mack Brown really isn't the greatest coach in the world.
3. Penn State runs the table. God, I hate saying that. These fucking guys never schedule anyone and this just so happens to be the year when they get Ohio State at home. Sure, there are a few other tricky road games on the schedule. But they remember what happened in Iowa last year. It won't happen again.
1. Michigan makes a bowl. I predicted Michigan to miss a bowl last year for the first time in 34 years, and dammit I was right. Michigan’s schedule isn’t all that hard this year, and their quarterback- no matter who it is- will look like Peyton Manning compared to that suckfest last year. I could see Michigan winning seven games and sneaking into the Motor City Bowl.
2. USC doesn’t win the Pac-10. USC’s road schedule is tough, and they generally don’t play nearly as well on the road. I expect one or two conference losses- especially if they are starting a true freshman QB. Oregon and Cal look like they’re ready to step the F up, and now the Big 10 rep will finally have a chance to win the Rose Bowl.
3. Tim Tebow gets caught watching porn. I find it hard to believe that most commentators on this blog have banged more chicks than Tim Tebow. When you’re a quarterback this popular, it doesn’t matter how ugly you are- panties will be hitting the floor as soon as you walk in the door. If he is indeed a virgin like he says, he has to be doing something else. I expect some creeper to make a peep hole in his hotel room… just like Erin Andrews.
1. Florida will march to the National Championship game without even having a tough game. It sounds easy, but it isn't. I really don't think they find themselves in a tough game until then....too favorable of a schedule and too good.
2. Eric Berry will find himself in trouble with the law at some point during the season. He's probably the most talented player in college football and Tennessee people speak of him like the defensive Peyton Manning. The glow has to come off at some point. Maybe, he and Kiffin will tag team some passed out girl and it will be caught on video.
3. Dick Rod will not be able to lead Michigan to a plus .500 record. Not going to happen and I can't wait to hear the howls when they fail to make another bowl.
The Wig Master
1. Tim Tebow is not plagued by scandal, does not win the Heisman, and does not win the National Championship. For reasons unknown, Timmy is a boring, conservative, middle-aged, white American stuck in the body of a 22 year old stud quarterback playing at the University of Florida. Were this me, I would have the crabs by now. Were this G$, he would have five, six kids, and would be attending classes draped in velvet. But Tim is Tim, and this season he remains Jesus’ starting quarterback. He does not, however, win a second Heisman, or a third National Championship. There is just no way. Too much pressure, hype, and the spotlight is too bright. Besides, the entire SEC is gearing up to take out the Gators and perhaps Tim’s knees.
2. Joe Paterno calls it a career. Not sure if this will be on his own accord, or if his heart just stops working, either way, enjoy the farewell tour this year. It is only fitting and deserving that Joe leaves college football somewhere near the top. With last year’s finish and this year’s potential, the stars are aligned! Seasons don’t fear the reaper…nor does Mr. Joe Paterno (ed. note: Romeo and Juliet are together at the end of time!).
3. On the field, your North Carolina Tar Heels win the ACC. That’s right, basketball powerhouse turned football darling. Coach Davis is doing a job no one really envisioned (right, Cleveland fans?). The Heels, coming off of an 8-5 year, do face Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, and Boston College all on the road. But last year North Carolina went 2-1 against these conference opponents, and the lone loss to the Hokies was by three. Another season brings more experience and another conference win, and thus the conference title. And remember, the ACC is not exactly elite football as of late. Get out your powder blue, bitches.
1. Greg Paulus leads the Syracuse Orange(men) to a bowl game, where they face off against the upstart Duke Blue Devils. Coach K does not know who he should support, but decides to go with the Blue Devils since he benched Paulus this past season anyway.
2. Trev Alberts, still bitter about being fired from ESPN, is discovered to be the mastermind behind the Erin Andrews peephole video. He was doing reconnaissance in an attempt to murder Mark May but liked what he saw on the other side of that room.
3. The NCAA finally nails Pete Carroll and his elaborate ring of boosters for paying players to come to USC. Whatever happened with that Reggie Bush scandal? The whole thing just seemed to be swept under the rug and never heard about again.
You know what, these really weren't that sexy. I mean, two of us actually think that Greg Paulus will be a success. WHO TALKS ABOUT SYRACUSE FOOTBALL? Ugh, enough of that. I think I'm ready for round two with those LSU girls. Leave me alone for a few minutes and we can talk about the Heisman tomorrow.