Tuesday, September 01, 2009

College Football Preview: Michigan

We like to have fun here with the passionate, idiotic fanbase known as Buckeye fans. But I have to be fair. If there are two things that this site is known for it's fairness and rape jokes. So we're going to spend a few paragraphs previewing the 2009 Michigan Wolverines.

Now, I know very little about Michigan. I'm fine with knowing this amount. A team coming off of a 3 win season really doesn't deserve much of my attention. But many of you do follow the maize and blue and thus it would be irresponsible of me not to take shots at this awful team. Since Rich Rodriguez is hopefully done crying about his team, let's talk about said depressing program.

First things first, they are going to suck again. I don't know anything about the talent, but that schedule is a bitch. They will need to catch a ton of breaks just to get to 6 wins. There just aren't many gimme games on the slate this season. And even if a game does look like a shoe-in win, this team won THREE fucking games last season! And one of those was a squeaker against a Shane Montgomery coached abortion. 5-7 seems much more likely and would be a step in the right direction.

Richie is going to play 3 quarterbacks??? That makes about zero fucking sense. One of them is Nic Sheridan and I think he proved last year that he couldn't start at most high schools. They are all jacked up about this Forcier kid but he's a true freshman and they almost always suck. And the third kid doesn't even tie his shoes. How can you play football like that? What does that say about your team when someone like this is projected to contribute? Not much. Not much at all.

How about all of those defections! Look, I respect a coach that isn't afraid to clean fucking house when he has a bunch of pussies (Justin Boren) on his team. If they aren't dedicated, get fucked. But his big coup last year was freshman YouTube sensation, Sam McGuffie. He put his year in and left already. That's no good. Is Kevin Grady still around? You've got to love a RB who has almost 80% alcohol in his blood and then goes out joy-riding. I think he's gone though. I really don't care.

And then there is Richie himself. Sigh. Can this guy do anything right? He dresses like Andy Reid with his fat suit parkas. The WVU fanbase hates him because he wouldn't pay his buyout and he slapped them in the face eventhough they covered up all of the coeds that he knocked up in Morgantown. He "led" Michigan to their worst season in a long ass time. He lost to god damn Toledo! That school sucks so much ass that they gave Mr. Ace a diploma. And now we have the "practice" allegations which to me aren't very serious, but it's the cherry on top to this great regime.

Pretty much everything that this guy has touched over the past 18 months has turned to shit. So here is my suggestion: misery loves company. An idiot who can do nothing right should spend the rest of their days with another idiot that does nothing right. It's time for Richie to leave his disgusting, spray-on tan wife to develop a partnership with someone who is exactly like him in almost every way...

Rich Rodriguez and Sarah Palin are pretty much the same people these days and have done waaaaaaay more damage than anyone could possibly imagine. She likes to shoot bears and shit and he likes to shoot the hopes and dreams of Michigan fans nationwide. This is a match made in pop culture Hell. What a great comparison, G$.

Thoughts on the Wolverines (likely not positive, I assume), leave them in the comments. Best Michigan preview ever? Best Michigan preview ever.


Anonymous said...

Well done. It's nice to know that site is the Fox News of blogs, "Fair and Balanced." I know you love to be compared to Fox News. You didn't have to take a shot at my girl Sarah Palin though, don't bring her down to DickRod's level.

Let's her it from the cry baby Michigan fan base trying to defend their joke of coach and program. It's a sinking ship and I think we can all agree that it's a lot of fun to watch.


GMoney said...

Don't ever compare the network that errors Glenn "King of all Fucktards" Beck to this site.

Nate B. said...

I'll give Michigan six wins this year:

Delaware State

And they'll sneak up on somebody out of Wisconsin / Illinois / Michigan State for a sixth win.

I think the ND game won't be close. ND returns too much on offense and defense against a 3-9 team last year, they found a way to beat soundly. I hate JC as much as the next guy, but his receiving corps will tear through the UM secondary all day long.

GMoney said...

I wouldn't give them Western Michigan. Tim Hiller is actually a pretty good QB.

Grumpy said...

Best Michigan preview ever.

Mr. Ace said...

7-5. That's all I have to say.

Nate B. said...

Hiller is a good quarterback and will keep it close, but do they even have a run defense to stop the UM run game? I'd think both sides will put up 30+, with UM holding out for the win. Definitely a one possession game, I would think.

Anonymous said...

Pretty funny asshole, it was not bad until you put the Sarah Palin thing in there. She is a worthless politician and a fucking idiot. Know wonder Damman likes her, and Michigan wins at least 6 this year.

Naptown Wolverine

Anonymous said...

Hey Naptown Wolverine, learn how to put a sentence together/spell then you can call me an idiot. For the record, I don't like Sarah Palin. And you better hope Michigan wins more than 6 or you are going to owe some money or you can just pay me now if you want to concede.


Anonymous said...

I still think they have 8 wins in them, we will see what happens saturday. Don't you think that G$ sort of looks like Glenn Beck?

Naptown Wolverine

GMoney said...

Holy shit, I've never been more insulted in my life. Congratulations, NW.

Nate, I'm not kidding. I really know nothing about WMU or UM other than the QB's and based on that alone, I give the Broncos a pretty good chance on Saturday.

Dustin said...

Its getting to the point that I feel bad for them. I think that stadium would get burnt down If they lose to western.

Anonymous said...

I'm more pumped for UM/WMU than I am for OSU/Navy. I'm really getting used to these losses to the App State and Toledo's of the world...and I can only imagine the firestorm if they start off teh sesaon with losses to WMU and ND.

You made this preveiew a day too early....news broke today that RR got served with a lawsuit after practice a few days ago for defaulting on a multi-million dollar real estate deal.

He's such a fucking moron.


Anonymous said...

Anytime I hear/look at RichRod I think of Snaod. He looks like him, he acts like him, he has the same manurisms, and quite frankly the players think of him the same way Snoad used to be thought of by his. Weeeeeeiiiiirrrrddddd.

rstiles said...

I don't care what people say, Palin would be a good fuck!