Thursday, September 03, 2009
Well shit. The end of College Football Preview week is nigh. Today we are going to discuss the most ridiculous award in sports history: The Heisman Trophy. I just don't get it. Apparently, unless you are an upperclassmen, you shouldn't win regardless of the season (Grossman was robbed). And NO ONE should win two of them and join the great Archie Griffin (who loses some luster since he busted in the NFL and probably didn't deserve the award his Senior year anyway). If you aren't a QB, FUHGEDDABOUTIT! You're fucked. So basically, the Heisman Trophy is only awarded to the best Junior/Senior QB who has not won the award before as opposed to the best college football player. Still with me? And people argue that the BCS is fucked up. Anyway, on to the predictions (enjoy Colt McCoy's now defunct lip hair).
Zac Robinson, Oklahoma St. - As I have said, I'm very high on Oklahoma St. this year. He is going to have a monster year with all those weapons at his disposal. He's going to beat UT and OU, and take home the Heisman ahead of that douche from Florida who shall remain nameless.
Timothy Jesus Junior Tebow, Florida - The guy is the nicest and classiest athlete on the planet yet people hate on him because Thom Brennaman wants to be the first to pump his virgin dick. Tebow is going to win his 3rd Heisman in his 4 years at Florida this season (he won it last year, no doubt about it). In all honesty, he is the best college football player not named Tommie Frazier that I have seen in my life. He deserves to be recognized as such with another Heisman trophy. And the haters can suck on it because me and him are winners and you all are the scum of the Earth.
Colt McCoy, Texas - I think Colt is the best QB in the country. He’s a better passer than Tim Tebow, and his girlfriend has to be hotter than Sam Bradford’s (if that was his girlfriend they kept showing during the OSU-Texas Fiesta Bowl). Any one of these three have a huge advantage over anyone else because of their age, position, and all the preseason hype. It will be hard for anyone else to sneak in this race. It’s going to be close, but I’ll go with Colt (for no real reason) because of his cute butt*.
The Great Tim Tebow, Florida - Tebow will win the Heisman and I don't feel like even writing about that. His team is too good and people like Gary Danielson get too wet when they are in his presence. Hopefully, the past Heisman winners stand away from him at the presentation as a show of unity that they don't respect virgin Heisman winners (ed. note: maybe Billy Sims can just scream "BOOMER" throughout his entire speech...how great would that be?).
The Wig Master
Colt McCoy, Texas - As the recent past has shown us, the Heisman might as well be renamed the Best Quarterback in the Nation Award. This season should not buck the trend, and another signal caller will get his greasy hands on the trophy. We all know that Archie Griffin pays off Carl & Lenny and the rest of the Stonecutters (ed.: awesome reference, WM) each year in order to remain the sole two-time Heisman Winner, and as a result, Tim and Sam are out. That leaves Mr. Colt McCoy as your Heisman Winner for 2009. Last season his numbers were downright wicked: 3900 yards, 77% completion, 34 touchdowns, 8 picks, a 173 rating, and 11 rushing touchdowns. Those were damn near Sonnenberg numbers (#9 slung it all over Loose Field back in the late 90s, trust me kids). Back to McCoy, one can figure that his numbers improve from last year, and those stats are enough to get the top prize.
Colt McCoy, Texas. Tim Tebow will deserve it once again, but the voters will award it to Colt McCoy this year. I already wrote last year how Archie Griffin should NOT have won his second Heisman based on his statistics that season and we will never see a repeat Heisman winner again because they will not allow it to happen. So this means Sam Bradford is also out. McCoy will put up good numbers again this season, and he has an insane career completion percentage of 70%. Look for Colt to ride off with the 2009 Heisman trophy.
So the consensus among these parts is that McCoy wins it. I don't think so but it's a better call than Zach Morris or whoever the hell Damman picked. I'm just happy that none of you homers picked Terrelle Pryor. If they gave the Heisman out to the player who hates Dut the most, then he will win it the next three years. Until then, let's keep giving it to "the best player in the nation". We crown our champions tomorrow...what a teaser!