Tuesday, September 01, 2009

College Football Preview: The Firings

I think we can all agree that over/underrated day of College Football Preview week. Day 2 doesn't really preview anything though. I just gave everyone free reign to fire a coach who should be/will be and the ability to fire a media member of their choice. As you can imagine, Dr. Lou and Gunt Weis make more than one appearance in this post. Everyone loves Notre Dame!!! I will give props to the doctor on one thing...that Dr. Lou jingle is outstanding. Let's get going as there are some solid one liners in this shit.

First Coach Fired - While I would love to say that weasel Dick Rod or Charlie Weis and his FUPA, it will be Colorado's Dan Hawkins. He was the golden boy coming from Boise St. but has been a big disappointment at Colorado and Boise St. has gotten better since he left. For a school with a proud football tradition, 13-24 in three seasons is not getting it done and he will be the first one gone if they get off to a bad start.
Media member fired/stabbed in eye - Mark May and it's not even close. Now most of this comes from the fact that this guy constantly trashes Ohio St. (he's not the only one), but I think we as college football fans can agree that the college football world would be a better place if Mark would have been in same room as Steve McNair on July 4th this year. I don't think he actually watches the games, it just appears that way because he is paired with Lou Holtz who thinks it's still 1988. If anyone has had to listen to Mark break down a game, you share the same feelings as me. If my fellow panelists say anyone other than Mark May, I will be surprised. That's a FACT, Mark!

First coach fired - Brett Bielema, Wisconsin This guy was oh so close to losing a home game to Cal Poly last year in the final week of the season and then promptly went to the Buttfucker Bowl to get trounced by Bobby Bowden. The honeymoon (if there ever really was one) is over. He has pretty much destroyed all that Barry Alvarez built in Madison and a slow start this year could mean not making it to December for BB. Don't feel bad for Alvarez though, he hired this mental defective.
Media member fired/stabbed in eye - Desmond Howard Exactly what purpose does he serve again? Did ESPN all of a sudden realize that they needed a token black guy to put on TV for 5 minutes of their two hour broadcast and say, "why not Desmond"? I hold no agenda against Desmond but he is worthless and needs to go. I could do without him overlaughing at everyone's jokes though.

First Coach Fired - The obvious choice would be Charlie Weis for being an arrogant fatass. I didn’t want to go with the obvious choice, but I can’t think of anyone close to these odds. Their schedule is a cakewalk, and Lou Holtz believes they’ll be in the National Championship game. Expectations are high. I wouldn’t be surprised if Notre Dame lost to Michigan. If Michigan didn’t fumble about 50 times last year, Michigan probably would have won… with a QB that couldn’t play for BG. I’m expecting a letdown in South Bend. Say goodnight, Charlie.
Media Member Fired - Andre Ware for being a hypocrite. Last year Andre Ware got the privilege of broadcasting Ohio State games about four times. It seemed that all four times he criticized Jim Tressel for running up the score. In 1989, Andre’s Houston Cougars beat teams by: 69, 58, 56, 74 (they scored 95 points), 45, and 64 points. Don’t ever fucking say anything about running up the score, Andre. You’re more annoying to me than stumbling on pictures of Brian Peppers. Get out.

First Coach Fired - A very stupid category for G$ since no coaches really get fired during a season in college football (not true, prick, if you count those that "resign" instead of getting fired). So, I'll go with the first one I think will be fired at the end of the season. I'm going with Charlie Weis and I don't give a damn that ND has a favorable schedule and a "decided schematic advantage" (one of the best Weis quotes of all-time). They are going to fuck it up again this year and have some horrible losses. The alumni will go ape shit at the end of the season if he's not gone and gone quickly.
Media Member Fired - I never would have said this years ago, but I'd fire Gary Danielson. Back in the day when he was on ABC, he was a very good college football announcer. But, ever since he went to CBS he has had more pride in the SEC than he does in his own children. It's pathetic to listen to him talk about the SEC and comparing it to other conferences. The icing on the cake was when he was asked for a National Championship prediction a couple of weeks ago and predicted Florida against LSU. This was beyond stupid....first off, Florida plays at LSU this year so one of the two have to lose. Then LSU has to play at # 5 Alabama and at # 8 Ole Miss...plus, LSU and Florida are in opposite sides of the SEC so Alabama or Ole Miss would have to finish with one loss too and that being against Florida in the conference championship. What a dumb doucher.

The Wig Master
First Coach Fired - Randy Shannon, University of Miami One could argue that the Miami Hurricane team that was defeated in the 2002 BCS Championship Game by the Buckeyes (and a very poorly called penalty) was the best college team in recent history. (Look at the NFL talent from that team!) Some seven years later the new general in town, Randy Shannon, has the Miami squad sporting a 12-13 record over the last two seasons. This year does not look any more promising. Pretty well most of Shannon’s coordinators bailed ship in the off-season, and at least four of Shannon’s recruits have left town during his tenure as well. Things are not looking up. On top of that, the Canes open with Florida St., Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, and Oklahoma. Miami may not be in the win column until October 10 when Florida A&M comes knocking. A perfect storm is brewing in Coral Gables, and Shannon is right in its path! First coach fired!! (I believe I remember Warren Sapp claim last year that Randy Shannon would win the National Championship this year. This leads me to believe that Warren Sapp does not know what National Championship means.)
Media Member Fired - Dr. Lou Holtz Dr. Lou has to be fired, but not for the reasons you are thinking (i.e. lisp, drinking, bat shit predictions). Holtz is a genius! He lead six different schools to a bowl game, he is 8th on the all-time wins list as a coach, he won two National Championships while at Notre Dame (look up the 1993 season), and we all remember South Carolina stomping a mud hole in Ohio State’s ass two years in a row at the Outback Bowl. Dr. Lou should be utilizing his talents and knowledge for the greater good. He could solve the economy, the deficit, unemployment, our dependence on foreign oil, health care reform, the Middle East peace problem…the list goes on. But no, Dr. Lou is stuck beside Mark May catching the ignorant bug! So for the good of our nation/world, Lou should be fired in order to conquer far loftier pursuits.

First Coach Fired - Steve Kragthorpe, Louisville. The basketball coach is aborting babies, and the football coach is aborting seasons. Bobby Petrino had established Louisville as a perennial Big East power in football, and Kragthorpe instantly destroyed the program. He has gone 11-13 in the two seasons since taking over as head coach, and rides a five game losing streak into the 2009 season. I would be surprised if Kragthorpe makes it through this entire season.
Media Member Fired - Lou Holtz. He predicted Notre Dame to go undefeated last year, but he is tempering his expectations this season by saying only that the Irish will play Florida for the national championship. He is an idiot, has a terrible lisp, and drools over his desk. However, those appear to be the qualifications for a job at ESPN these days. Notre Dame does not need a spokesperson. Everyone hates them enough with FUPA Weis at the helm.

Abortion references and crazy ideas like Lou Holtz fixing the world...my sensationalistic ramblings are rubbing off on you idiots! Typical dumbass Ohio State fans...can't think of anyone other than the easy way out. As Rocky found out during his angry drive in Rocky IV, "THERE'S NO EASY WAY OUT. THERE'S NOT SHORTCUT HOME." Whatever. We've got sexy predictions tomorrow. Feel free to read my Michigan preview below. I have no idea what I'm talking about but figured I may as well be fair and attack them. Plus, they suck and no one enjoys picking on retards more than me.


Anonymous said...

Nobody wants Mark May fired?! Drew and Dut, I expected more out of my fellow Buckeye fans. If Mark May walked down the street in Columbus, he would be shot.


GMoney said...

Let's be honest, there are numerous assholes who cover the sport that should get shit-canned.

Dustin said...

Mark may isn't as bad as he used to be. Although that's not saying much. I can name about 10 guys that I would love to see get fired. I want Trev Alberts back!

GMoney said...

Dut, I think he's still on CSTV...whatever the fuck that is.

Anonymous said...

Dut, you obviously don't watch college football on saturdays. Your are too busy picking fights with TP. Mark always sticks to the Buckeyes whenever he can.


Tony B. said...

If Jesse Palmer still works for ESPN, he is definitely the one to be fired. Even in a hypothetical dream world where he was providing solid analysis, I wouldn't take it seriously because he sounds like a tool.

Anonymous said...

Trev Alberts is now the A.D. at the University of Nebraska at Omaha.

flohtingPoint said...

Am I alone in hoping that Lou Holtz drops another "Hitler was a good leader" blast? That old crazy fuck is a riot. Sounds more loaded than Harry Carey.