Friday, September 04, 2009

College Football Preview: The Champion


I said on Wednesday that I should have went to LSU for the women alone (who cares, She$ isn't reading this swill anyway). I'm going to clarify that. ALL OF US should have went to school ANYWHERE in the south. Who cares if the men are all retarded hillbillies. The women are all big-tittied, blonde, dick-sucking machines sent to please educated men from the north. We have all failed at life. Before I go shoot myself in the face twice (AKA The Alcorn State Brave), let's make the final predictions for College Football Preview week. And if you look at the lovely jugs to the left, it's pretty clear who the majority are picking.

Damman
Florida over Oklahoma St. - One loss Florida (they will lose at LSU) takes on unbeaten Okie St. In the end, the Gators will have the ball last and will win an epic shootout led by the douche himself. G$ did his best to keep Ohio State out of this post with his rules, but I'll throw my two cents on them. They will go 10-2 losing to Illinois and Penn State. Too many question marks this year for the Buckeyes to contend for the National Title and, for the first time since 2004, will not play in a BCS game with Penn St. getting the only bid from the Big 10. I would have put that in the bold prediction section, but we weren't allowed to mention Ohio St.

GMoney
Florida over Penn State - As I said earlier, the Lions will roll through their relatively easy schedule and piss the nation off by giving us another shitty BCS title game. Tim Tebow cements his legacy as King of the World with his 3rd national title during his tenure in Gainesville. Florida will go undefeated (Les Miles is awful) and Urban Meyer will still look like someone shit in his corn flakes. God, he's a douche. I will then build a statue of Tebow in my backyard. It will rival only the statue that Pudge Rodriguez has of himself.

Dut
Ohio State over Florida - Ohio State gets revenge over 3 of the few teams who have beaten them since 2006. They’ll beat USC, Penn State, and Florida on their way to the National Championship, and will cement themselves as the team of the decade (before you argue, find a team with a better resume over 10 years)*. Oh how sweet it will be.
*This will be argued. LSU, Florida, Texas, and USC off the top of my head, bitchcakes.

Drew
Texas over Florida - There are three teams that are head and shoulders above the rest of the college football landscape this year...Florida, Texas and Oklahoma. I'm rolling with the Longhorns to face off with Florida as I like them a bit more than Oklahoma and they have a more favorable schedule than Oklahoma. Prediction: Texas 26 Florida 19 -- I don't like perfect endings*...especially for douchers like Tebow.
*What about the Lions perfect season!!!

The Wig Master
Texas over Florida - For this post, we will ignore the blatant shortcomings ever present in the BCS system. (Total hand job with no lube!) Ol GFunk(on a whole new level) wants to hear about the BCS matchup and the eventual Champ. Well, it is very difficult not to believe that Florida and Oklahoma head right back to the Game. Florida still has St. Tim, and Oklahoma did not lose much! However, last year Georgia pretty well was the team that did not lose anything and was the dangerous team heading into the season, and we know what happened. Can’t help but think Oklahoma fills that role this year…Oklahoma does not get back to the Championship. That leaves Florida and Texas! The SEC and the Big 12 provide an encore. They have a saying in Texas, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice…well, you can’t get fooled again.” GW Bush didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, and odds are that I do not either, but at the end of the year, the Texas Longhorns are the National Champions. Now get out there kids, drink some booze, crank up the tunes, don’t let your meat loaf, and enjoy the 2009 college football season!

GSaul
Texas over Florida - Texas was a last-second Michael Crabtree TD away from being undefeated last year, and the only real challenge on their schedule this year is Oklahoma. But the Longhorns get to play the Sooners at home and I see them going undefeated in 2009. I think Florida will lose one game during the regular season because the SEC is brutal, but the Gators will be back for the second year in a row. However, repeating as national champions is a difficult task and the loss of playmaker Percy Harvin does not help. The Burnt Orange will prevail.

Eventhough 3 people picked Texas to beat Florida, there is no way that anyone could believe that. Florida isn't fucking losing to anyone. Mack Brown is not going to derail Urban Meyer and the heavenly Tim Tebow. Come on, you people are better than that. And you can say what you want about mine and Damman's picks, but at least we went on a limb and backed it up (somewhat). It's easy to pick chalk, it's much harder to pick a coach who shits himself in bed every night and thinks that MASH is still making new episodes.

Well, this was quite a week. I barely had to work at all. The toughest it got was writing intros and closings for each day and googling "LSU chicks with huge tits". Unfortunately, I'm back writing my own shit next week (two part NFL preview/predictions coming soon!). Have a good, long, and safe weekend. GO REDHAWKS! GO NAVY!!!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

More OSU talk about a national championship, if they do make it they will lose again.

GMoney said...

By the way, Jeff from Big Brother looks like he could be Tebow's Big Brother. Just sayin'...

And LeGarrette Blount is my new favorite player. KILL WHITEY!!!

Anonymous said...

Nice in depth analysis, Anon.

G$, I got scared for a minute when I saw Big Brother in your post. I thought you were going to post a spoiler from last night.

Yeah guys, nobody is picking Texas vs Florida. Way to stick your neck out those picks, besides Dut. I really wanted to put the Bucks in the championship game so I'm glad you did the dirty work.

-Damman

GMoney said...

You don't need analysis when the recent past does all the speaking for you.

I have no regrets in getting up at 6:30 this morning to watch Big Bro though. Here's your only spoiler...Natalie is still a cunt.

Mr. Ace said...

Dut, I hate you.

Why is everybody completely writing off Oklahoma? I know Stoops sucks in big games, but he can usually get to them. They are loaded with talent, at least three first round draft picks on that team. The only tough road game they have is at Miami, which shouldn't be that tough. I think I'm jumping on board the Sooner bandwagon.

Anonymous said...

Ace, if I wouldn't have known any better, I would think you were talking about Ohio St.

-Damman

Dustin said...

Yeah no shit ace. Its "embarassing" for Ohio state, but ok for Oklahoma? Are you jumping on Ohio states bandwagon too? You hypocrite!

J Beanie said...

No Michigan love? With all the work the players are putting in, they have to be the team to beat in the Big Ten.

GMoney said...

I was just thinking about that, too, Ace. There was not one mention of the Sooners this week (outside of maybe a sentence here or there). To me, they are better than Texas but the voters will not allow them to embarrass themselves in a title game again.

Ohio State and Oklahoma should be forced to play each other in the Rose Bowl for the next 3 years. The winner of the series gets to play for a BCS title again. The loser is banned for life.

Dustin said...

I don't know beanie- they might have already put in their 20 hours! I hope they budgeted enough time to play the game Saturday!

Jeff said...

Sounds good to me G$. We got TP for 3 more years and they've got Bradford for one. If they couldn't win that 3 game series they shouldn't be in the national title game.

Mr. Ace said...

Oklahoma is head and shoulders better than the fuckeyes this year.


Your Michigan jokes cannot faze me. I will be at the game saturday. And if we lose, I will be the one bathing in richrod's blood in the end zone.

GMoney said...

Ace is going to the game, huh? So I guess your Facebook/eBay campaign to sell those highly valuable tickets was a complete failure!

I should point out that GSaul's underrated Troy Trojans got slaughtered by an average BOWLING GREEN team last night.

Anonymous said...

I guess I should just pull a John Kerry flip-flop and make Troy my overrated team and Ohio State my underrated team. That would make everyone happy and help me win the election.

That reminds me...when Kerry was up in Michigan campaigning, he said "let's go Buckeyes" and he got booed. What an idiot!

-GSaul

rstiles said...

Championship:
Florida over Texas

Sleeper Championship
Penn State over LSU

Mr. Ace said...

Actually, I have two sets of tickets for this year and I sold my first set for $25 over face, which I was pretty happy with.

J Beanie said...

Ace, I'm a Michigan fan too. A huge one. But you can't tell me things have been going smoothly w/ Rich Rod. They'll be ok, I think (hope) in the long run but he needs a decent year this year or he could be out.

Mr. Ace said...

J Beanie, I don't disagree. I don't think anybody would call RichRod's tenure thus far smooth in any way. But I'm optimistic...and fully prepared to have my hopes and dreams destroyed on saturday.

GMoney said...

Navy just checked into the Marriott across the street from my office. I was going to go over there and tell them that I support them being LeGarrette Blount and Pryor playing the role of Hout, but I was too bloated from Taco Bell. Go Middies!!! Beat those terrorists!!!

Mr. Ace said...

I would join the Navy if that happened.