Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Scratcher's Manifesto


Some dipshit once said that the best things in life are free. Whether it be Big Papi getting busted as a 'roider or coming into work and finding out that your boss is off sick that day, I'm starting to believe this cliche as well. This is especially true for an act that only a man can truly appreciate. Of course, I'm speaking of the age-old male practice of scratching your balls.

Let me just throw this out there right away, I fucking love to dig at my sack. I love it. It feels awesome. I do it whenever and wherever I want/need to do it. It embarrasses the shit out of She$ which is another added bonus.

Now, the wife seems to think that I have a problem. She says things like, "you haven't worn a cup in a decade so why is this still an issue?" First of all, this is not a problem. This is a God damn solution. Second, I'm not a doctor. I don't know why my nuts still itch. I don't have jock itch. I think deep down that my scrotum is in sync with my brain and knows when I could use a little pick-me-up and thus gives me a need to dig and I immediately feel better. Third, and women don't get this, adjusting your gear is not scratching your balls. Neither is unsticking your bag from your thigh on those "swampy" days that all testicles hate. Fair enough?

OK, so how do you go about this? How do you not look like an amateur nut-scratcher? My first recommendation is not to worry about your surroundings. If you've got an itch, scratch the motherfucker. You don't feel self-conscious when you are at the store and your head itches, do you? Same thing with your berries. Then, it's all about technique. JB (the same guy who faked a seizure at a strip club) and I once devised the only two methods that you should scratch by. I have recently developed a third practice. They are as follows:

1. The Pinch-N-Twist - The most discreet of the techniques by far. It won't get the itch completely gone, but it does the trick if you are in a public venue and would like to somewhat hide what you are doing. It's simple really. You pinch the effected sack area and give it a little twist. I've done this while standing at the altar as someone's groomsman in the past. It was wonderful.

2. The All-Out-War - All hands on deck for this one. This practice is all about getting the job done by any means necessary. You may even use both hands if need be. Basically, there are no rules for the AOW. War is a messy business in which casualties are acceptable for the good of the cause. Same thing with a testicle itch. If you have to dig at it until your bag is raw, fuck it. The ends justify the means. It's about doing whatever it takes.

3. The Rusty Nail - This is the one that I have recently developed on my own. As long as you have a decent fingernail growth, bring it on. This does require you to make direct contact with the sack though. You find the itch, use your longest nail, and scrape the inconvenience away. It's fairly simple but extremely effective. Do NOT actually use a rusty nail unless you get turned on by having your pills infected with tetanus. By the way, none of you should ever shake my hand again.

I can't tell you how to achieve the sweet release of a recently well-scratched scrote, but I can at least guide you on technique and advice. I hope that you all only use this for good. Oh, and please do not practice near an elementary school. I learned that the hard way. Ironically, your peers in the county lock-up are more than willing to help you with your itch. Who would have thought?

14 comments:

rstiles said...

Hell, after reading this post, my boys started itching...

I went with the AOW since I am sitting in my office by myself...

Thanks for the tips!!!

Anonymous said...

No tips for how Mr. Ace can scratch his vagina in public?

--Drew

GMoney said...

He could use Jim Johnson's femur if he wants.

Grumpy said...

Lying in bed with Mrs. Grumpy the other night, watching TV, I began idly scratching my balls.

Mrs. Grumpy: What are you doing?
Me: Scratching my balls.
Mrs. Grumpy: Why?
Me: Because it feels good.

Only reason we need.

GMoney said...

Exactly, Grump. Women don't get it.

Anonymous said...

So how good was it to see Chima go last night?!

SEAL

Upstate Underdog said...

I love scratching my balls. I also like to freak my wife out by sniffing my fingers after I'm done scratching my balls.

Mr. Ace said...

UU, you hit the nail on the head. After you get done scratching your balls you have to smell your hand, its really the only way to go.

GMoney said...

Hmmmm, I'm not sure about the hand-smelling thing, but whatever gets you off I guess.

Seal, Chima leaving was as satisfying as scratching your nuts. And the fact that the producers rigged it so that either Jeff or Jordan would win the whole thing is even better. Although Jordan's weird-shaped tits are puzzling. I think her nips are in her armpits.

Dustin said...

You guys are all sick freaks.

Anonymous said...

These tips all work well, but you forgot the little kick and squat to get the sweaty balls off the leg. We did this during JB'S wedding and it worked.

Naptown Wolverine

flohtingPoint said...

I dont dig at my sack as much as I un-velcro it from the sides of my legs. Fucking thing loves to stick on there like a remora. When it's hot, its about a thousand times worse... I usually use the discrete "Hand in the Pocket" method of turning my hand into a spatula and removing the grilled cheese from my legs.

Tony B. said...

With all this effort, I can't believe none of you have entered the magical world of powdering your nuts. Less stick, less itch, and if you do decide to scratch it'll be a soft and sleek experience.

GMoney said...

Tony, that is like using performance enhancers! I'm all natural, baby!!!