Thursday, August 06, 2009

Predictions Sure to Go Bad: The NFC

You were all amazed at my expertise yesterday, but today will be a whole other level of brilliance. Even though I am an Eagles fan, I remain unbiased, fair, and factual...Super Bowl, bitches. The predictions:

NFC West
Arizona Cardinals: 9-7. I'm still not sold. Even after last years magical run, I still can't trust them. There offense will be great again this year, but there success entirely hinges on Kurt Warner's health. I don't think he can make it through another full year without having to be sidelined at some point. Oh yeah, Beanie Wells' fallopian tubes are already flaring up, what a bitch.

San Fransisco 49ers: 9-7. If the Niners could just find a half way decent quarterback they would be well on their way back to the playoffs. But, they don't have a decent quarterback so they won't be able to make it over the hump. I think Singletary will get things turned around, but not just yet.

St. Louis Rams: 6-10. I don't know why, but I really think the Rams will be a lot better this year. I have learned to never put my faith in Steven Jackson's sour vagina, but I think this year will be different for him. It will be different mostly because of the addition of Steve Spagnuolo. The offense won't have as much pressure on it to produce because Spagnuolo will immediately upgrade their defense. They will improve, but still suck.

Seattle Seahawks: 5-11. Some people are picking Seattle to be the surprise team in the NFC. I just don't see it. For one, they still have Julius Jones on their team, a big no-no if you want to be competitive. Two, T.J. Housyamomma just got paid so I don't expect him to be as motivated to win in his new city. And three, why would I believe that Jim Mora Jr. is a good coach? No thanks.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons: 10-6. I'm a believer. Matt Ryan was spectacular last year. Michael Turner was one of the best RB's in the league. Roddy White emerged as a superstar. Nothing will change in 2009-10. They won't be able to sneak up on teams this year, but they will show that last year was not a fluke.

New Orleans Saints: 9-7. Looking down their depth chart I don't know how they cannot make the playoffs...but they won't. If they didn't get there last year then I don't expect them to do it this year. Reggie Bush is a bum. Pierre Thomas is expected to carry the load...who the fuck is Pierre Thomas? Their defense appears to have good talent, but they just can't put it together.

Carolina Panthers: 9-7. Jake Delhomme's awfulness will finally catch up to the Panthers. Dammit, he is fucking terrible. Defense's will be loading up to stop the run this year. I hate Jake Delhomme.

Tampa Bay Bucs: 5-11. A new coach. A new quarterback--or seven. A new defensive coordinator. The Bucs take a step back this year. Their schedule is brutal. They have a DE named Stylez.

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: 10-6. It really doesn't matter who they have at QB. You know what the Vikings are about, slamming it down your throat. I expect Rosenfels to emerge as the starter and give the Vikings a more effective passing game. They need to get Harvin his touches as well, take a little pressure off of Peterson. The Vikings will be the same team as last year as long as AD stays healthy.

Chicago Bears: 9-6-1. That's right, I'm predicting a tie. I don't know who they are going to tie, but they will tie. For the first time in a long time the Bears defense might actually be its weakness. Did you know the Bears gave up just as many points as the Browns last year? Well, they did. Their offense will be good, but they still need to find another weapon for Cutler. Hester can't do it all.

Green Bay Packers: 7-9. No real improvement. The Packers can score with any team, but that defense is a joke. I actually got some inside information--okay, Mrs. Ace told me--that A.J. Hawk was getting outplayed by a rookie LB not named Clay Matthews and could lose his starting spot. Their secondary is still strong, but the boys at corner are getting old. Harris and Woodson have combined for 24 years of experience and it is showing. I think Al Harris will take a big step back this year. Woodson on the other hand will keep his All Pro game going. That man is a God.

Detroit Lions: 3-13. I think I am being generous here with three wins. Last year, the Lions were awful, but not quite as awful as their record would have you believe. They kept a lot of games close. Kevin Smith showed that he was the real deal. Calvin Johnson is...well, Calvin Johnson. I just hope they don't make the mistake of starting Stafford. Let the boy sit. Daunte can handle it for a year.

NFC East: The Greatest Division in All of Sports.
Philadelphia Eagles: 14-2. The moment you have all been waiting for. The Philadelphia Eagles are the best team in the NFL right now. This is our year. Westbrook's recovery is going better than expected. McNabb...hopefully won't blow it in the big game. The loss of Stewart Bradley is a big hit, though. He was an up and comer and expected to produce big this year. But our defense will still be on of the best. The loss of Jim Johnson will no doubt have an effect, but Sean McDermott picked up a large portion of responsibility last year when Johnson's health was deteriorating, so I think he can step in without too much of a decrease in production. Super Bowl or bust.

New York Giants: 11-5. Did you see Eli's outrageous contract? Holy shit. I don't even know if that clown is a top 7 QB, but he is the highest paid player in the league now. Without Plex, Manning is fucked. Their WR are going to struggle mightily. But they will still have a powerhouse run game. Jacobs is a monster. I'm not quite as sold on their defense as everybody else. Have you seen their LB's? They are terrible. Antonio Pierce is awful and he is the best one. The one thing that everybody is really overlooking is the loss of Steve Spagnuolo. Without him I think the defense slips a bit.

Washington Redskins: 7-9. Sorry G Money, but they just ain't that good. Portis is on his last legs. Jason Campbell is a feeble little school girl with hurt feelings. Devin Thomas is going to start at WR. Do know where he went to college? He's a fucking Sparty. And do you know how Sparty WR's fair in the NFL? Just ask Plex and Charles Rogers. It's great that they got Haynesworth, but do you really expect him to produce like he did in Tennessee? That man got paid and it going to lay on his back for the next four years. Hell, he is already getting injections in his knee. The defense will still be solid overall, but that's not good enough in the East.

Dallas Cowboys: 6-10. I cannot wait for this. Dallas is going to be horrible this year. It's all on Romo and we know exactly how he handles pressure...he blows. Dumping T.O. was a bad idea. Roy Williams isn't a number one. Wade Phillips is still their head coach. If Jerry Jones can make it through this year without jumping from his luxury box I will be impressed...and greatly disappointed.

So there you have it, the Philadelphia Eagles are your Super Bowl Champions. Leave your hate in the comments.


Dustin said...

I really hope you're kidding about the eagles. The nfc east isn't even the best division in the nfc.

Anonymous said...

The Eagles won't win one NFC East road game... how about that for a prediction? If you really think Westbrook will be healthy for 16 games this year you are fucking crazy.


Grumpy said...

Yesterday you just made yourself look stupid. Picking the Eagles to go 14-2 means you're either taking drugs or forgot to take your drugs. Why would G$ leave a moron in charge?

Dustin said...

How does the best division in sports only have 2 teams over .500?

Tony B. said...

What?! You mean the Eagles aren't going to go 16-0?!?!? I just figured they'd beat everyone by 30 and then lose another NFC Championship game.

Anonymous said...

Best division in sports my ass. Barely over .500 playing the AFC North last year. Yes, that's four games against the Bengals and Browns. You're a fucking moron if you think McNabb will just turn into a pressure QB. He chokes, always will choke. The Cowboys are always overrated. The Skins will always suck as long as Snyder owns the team (maybe the worst owner in all of sports), and the Giants have Eli throwing to no receivers again. He looked good doing that last year. Go screw yourself toughguy.


Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, that was not me (above) but that sounds word for word something i would say.


Mr. Ace said...

Put it on the fucking board, bitches. If you aren't part of the nfc east then you just don't understand how great it is. Your shitty gay teams may have a rival, but when you're in the nfc east you have three...or more hated rivals.

McNabb looked pretty good down the stretch and in the playoffs last year didn't he? I think that continues. Championship.

Dustin said...

Didn't you write a blog last year saying mcnabb is dead to you? Now he's a top qb in the league!?

GMoney said...

The NFC East is the best, fuckers. Deal with it.

Those are some damn convincing arguments about the Seahawks.

Eli Manning shouldn't even be the 100th highest paid player in the league.

I will just laugh with everyone else on your Eagles prediction and its absurdity.

The Skins are a real question mark this year. Portis is only 28...far from being on his last legs. I guess I hold out hope that since J-Camp is in a contract year, he will finally put it together.

GMoney said...

Dut, nobody would ever be stupid enough to say that Donovan McPuke is a top QB.

Daniel said...

You're an idiot.

T.O. = Championship