Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Predictions Sure to Go Bad: The AFC

The NFL is just around the corner people! Hide your boners. I don't really have anything else to say, onto the predictions.

AFC East
New England Patriots: 11-5. The Brady show is back. I expect there offense to pick up where it left off in 2007. Their O-line is still solid and Maroney should stop being a little bitch this year. But they lost a lost on defense, like everybody in their secondary...almost. The Hoodie can get them to win the division, but no more than 11 wins.

Buffalo Bills: 9-7. If Marshawn Lynch didn't absolutely destroy my fantasy team last year I would vault them up to 11 wins. But he destroyed my fantasy team and will miss the first three games of the year, karma bitch. I actually think T.O. will be pretty good for them. He needs to convince some other teams that he can still play and coexist with his teammates at the same time in order to get another contract, I think he will do just that. But Trent Edwards is still terrible and they lost one of the best OT's in the game. Sorry.

Miami Dolphins: 6-10. The Dolphins were the luckiest team in the NFL last year. They were average at everything but somehow managed to skate through with a 11-5 record. That shit ain't happenin' this year. The Wildcat can't save them in 2009-10. Chad Pennington still throws like a retarded girl and I refuse to put any faith in a team that has Ted Ginn Jr. as a number one receiver.

New York Jets: 5-11. The Jets seriously might not win a game until after their bye week...that's week 9. They are going to have to make some tough transitions in a new defense and they also have a first time head coach and a first time NFL quarterback. And even if Kellen Clemens beats out Sanchez...they still have Kellen Clemens under center. Yikes.

AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers: 13-3. Big Ben has a distraction and her name is McNulty. I don't even think anybody cares anymore so the distraction will be pretty much nonexistent throughout the season barring some spectacular evidence. I don't know why, but I don't really think the Steelers are that good. But just one look at their schedule and you will realize it is a fucking cake walk.

Baltimore Ravens: 10-6. I was all set to give the Ravens 12 wins and the division title, but I forgot one thing; no Rex Ryan. Their defense will still be good this year, if not great, but it won't be as good as the years past. But their offense should improve. Did anybody else realize that the Ravens averaged over two points more per game than the Steelers? Didn't think so. They have a strong stable of running backs, JALEN PARMELE IN THE HOUSE, and they don't use receivers anyway. But the slight downgrade in defense really hurts.

Cincinatti Bengals: 8-8. If these guys can get to their bye week with four or more wins then they are serious wild card contenders. I don't think they can pull it off and the wheels will fall off down the stretch. Why is Marvin Lewis still employed?

Cleveland Browns: 1-15. No, I am not joking about this. I would be shocked if they win more than one game. The way I see it they have two games with a chance to win; @ Detroit and home against Jacksonville. There is no way they win both. If they played the 2008-09 Lions they would be 13 point underdogs.

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: 11-5. The Colts could potentially be the class of the AFC if their receiving corps can pick up where Harrison left off and Joseph Addai can actually get 200 carries. I don't think either will happen. If Tony Dungy wasn't out exorcising homo's they would win 13.

Houston Texans: 9-7. Houston Texans step right up, you are the next team to play AFC South second fiddle. The Texans are quietly putting together a solid team. I think Schaub will prove to be a quality starter and they have a great tight end in Owen Daniels and one of the best WR's in the game in Andre Johnson. Also, nobody knows this yet, but they have the BEST linebacking group in the NFL. The only problem is they need to find another DT and DE to step up. They were awful against the run last year and I don't think they did anything to address their defensive line weakness.

Tennessee Titans: 7-9. Well, it was fun while it lasted. No more Albert Haynesworth, no more Jim Schwartz, no more playoffs. No decent team starts Kerry Collins two years in a row, I'm sorry, it just doesn't happen. Also, if I am a Titans fan I am pissed the LenDale White lost 30 fucking pounds. Make all the fat jokes you want, but the guy was a tank. Now, he is just another running back.

Jacksonville Jaguars: 4-12. The Jags actually managed to get worse over the offseason. I just don't think Garrard can cut it in the NFL. Maurice Jones-Drew has never carried the load for an entire season. The best WR on their team right now is 33 year old Torry Holt, seriously. The next best WR on their team is Troy Williamson. They weren't good last year and they are far worse this year. They might lose to the Browns.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers: 10-6. As long as they don't slip out of the gate like last year, the division should be wrapped up by week 11. I hate Rivers and I hate Turner, but this division sucks. If the Chargers figure out how to play some defense then they can contend...but I won't hold my breath.

Denver Broncos: 7-9. So they dump Jay Cutler and get Kyle Orton. They fire Shanahan and get McDaniels. They will likely be starting a rookie at RB. Their best WR hates being there. They will be bad. If they didn't have Brian Dawkins they would win two games.

Oakland Raiders: 6-10. The Raiders will improve, but who cares. They are still terrible. They will run the ball really well but JaMarcus Russell is the next Tim Couch. The guy fucking sucks. If they start Bruce Gradkowski then they might be looking at a .500 season, but even his greatness can't carry then any further than that.

Kansas City Chiefs: 3-13. Who the fuck is their new coach? Seriously, I can't remember and I'm not looking it up. Matt Cassell is going to suck the first year...and then the rest of his career. Larry Johnson will continue slapping bitches because that is all that he does well anymore. Fuck, the AFC West is awful.

There you have it ladies and gents. I would go on throughout the playoffs, but I don't want to spoil the surprise. Tomorrow we get to my bread and butter, the NFC (East). If you think the Browns are going to win more than one game please don't comment, just swallow a bottle of aspirin.


Grumpy said...

"...I don't think the Steelers are that good." Right there you lost me because you proved you don't know dick.

Mr. Ace said...

Grumpy, I was hoping you had slipped into a coma. The Steelers starting RB is a giant pussy face and their backup is unproven and coming off of shoulder surgery. Big Ben was sacked 100 times last year and I don't see any reason that is going to profoundly change. Their WR's still aren't that good, Santonio is overrated as hell. And last but not least, Big Ben rapes fat, ugly chicks. Suck. On. That.

Jeff said...

Got rings ace?

Grumpy said...

23rd ranked rushing team last year, all those sacks, Santonio sucks. Result: Super Bowl Champs. Why aren't you cruising a local playground for little boys?

Mr. Ace said...

Grumpy, you stole my playground cruising turf.

It is a different year this year. You can't possibly expect those same results with that shitty output. Christ, I said they would win 13 games. I just don't think they are winning the Super Bowl. Okay, I don't think they will make the Super Bowl.

Dustin said...

don't the browns play the raiders? There's 2 wins mother fucker. I think you're forgetting the wildcard- Brady Quinn. 5 wins. Mark it down. Also, expect DA to get traded to minny for a 1st day pick.

Anonymous said...

come on damman, i wanna see you back up our browns before i shoot this ignorant asshole.
i fucking hate the steelers, but you cant say they arent that good.
grumpy is right, you obviously dont know dick.

Mr. Ace said...

Listen fucktards, when I speak about these teams it is all relative. For example, when I speak about the Texans I say they are putting together a solid team, but I only have them at 9-7 because their team will be pretty good compared to what you would expect from the Texans. When I speak about the Steelers I say I don't think they are that good, but still predict them to win 13 games because they will be one of the top 4 teams in the AFC. I just don't think they are good enough to win the Super Bowl, or get there. They got hot at the right time last year and they won't get those same breaks down the stretch. Are they good? Yes. Are they THAT-Super Bowl- good? No.

Mr. Ace said...

Dustin, I will bet you any dollar amount or blowjobs from your uncle that the Browns don't win 5 games.

Seal, nobody's knows dick like you.

GMoney said...

I have the Browns winning two games because they are poorly coached and have ZERO playmakers. I saw a guy yesterday holding his young son who was wearing a fucking Jamal Lewis jersey. I should have called the cops and reported this child abuse.

The Colts aren't that good. The Jags beefed up their lines and will be better. Don 't fall for the Texans.

I am rooting for the Broncos to go 0-16 due to their horrendous decision making this offseason.

The Steelers last year were a very good team...but they weren't great. That wasn't an "all-time" team.

Anonymous said...

The Browns will go 8-8 this year, mark it down. Quinn will prove to be the QB we all hope he is. Braylon is in a free agent year and will show up with authority. Jamal Lewis will have a bounce back year and James Davis will end up being the steal of the draft.

How's that for some solid predictions?


Anonymous said...

Thank you Damman. I couldn't have said it better myself.


Mr. Ace said...

Browns fans, don't do this to yourselves. Expect no more than 2 wins and be thrilled out of your fucking mind if you get three. Although Cleveland's economy would probably benefit from mass suicide....fuck it, Browns are the Super Bowl champs.

KPietsch said...

I will give the Browns 6 wins at the most, but not at the expense of the Steelers. I did want to post something for Damman though.

By The Numbers:
The Steelers have posted a dominating 18-3 record against the Browns since their return to the league in 1999.
Pittsburgh has won 11 straight, and in that time they've won two World Championships with a QB the Browns have yet to beat.
6 Super Bowls!

rstiles said...

i am not a browns fan, but they win 5 games this year

Stan the Man said...

Come on and get your head out of your Ace. The Steelers are a much better team this year (after patching the holes in the O-line), and they have a pretty decent chance of the elusive repeat.

I agree about the Browns though. They will continue to be terrible for awhile.