Thursday, August 20, 2009

A Plea For Justice


Dear Bernard Pollard,

You don't know me, but I am well aware of you and your work. And now is when I need your help the most. You, Bernard, are the only man that I know of that takes matters into your own hands and gets the job done. This is why I have come to you. Allow me to explain.

You see, last year, like many over-excited fantasy football GM's, I laid my entire season on the line based on the awesomeness of Tom Brady. He didn't play in any preseason games last year due to an ankle injury, but I didn't give a fuck. He set the league record for touchdown passes during the 2007 season, I figured he would be fine. The Patriots were set to open their season against your Chiefs in week one and, lo and behold, there was Tommy getting loose on the sidelines. The man that would bring me to fantasy glory was back in action. I have to admit, I was turned on by the thought of an undefeated fantasy football season. Well, you sort of took a huge dump on my excitement. Quite quickly, I might add.

In less than one quarter of the NFL season, my top player was done for the year. Whether what you did to him was a cheap shot or not is irrelevant to me. The fact remains, you ended Brady's (and my) season. But after the initial shock wore off, I was OK with it. I had an epiphany. It dawned on me that you saved me from having to root for a team from Boston. That you ended their season before it barely got going. That you made the Patriots a team that couldn't even beat the rotten Dolphins for AFC East supremacy. And I applaud you for that.

Now, I've got to admit, I'm a little confused over your actions in camp this year. You've got your brand new, shiny QB in Matt Cassel and your brand new head coach installing a brand new offense. Yet here you are, blitzing during a practice and diving at Cassel's knees. Doing it to your opponent is one thing, but to your own "franchise" QB? That seems a bit odd. Maybe you lost your balance or got pushed or Brodie Croyle paid you a bounty (bj's from his hot ass wife?) to do it...I don't know. But what I do know is that you have a thirst for knees. If vampires need blood then Bernard Pollard needs knee ligaments of pretty boys for sustenance. I KNOW that you are going to get another one this year, but can I make a suggestion?

Bernard, if you were unaware, you and your Chiefs are set to do battle with the Minnesota Vikings tomorrow night. In case you haven't heard, they just signed Brett Favre to be their new awful QB. For some reason, Brad Childress is starting him about 72 hours after signing him. Since you are a defensive player (which means you're sort of a moron), let me spell it out for you.

End it. End his fucking career. You go in on a safety blitz on the first fucking play of the game and you send that hillbilly fuck back to Mississippi with a gimp that he will never lose. Brady and Cassel actually seem like decent guys and it didn't bother you to go after them. So how about using your powers for good this time and ripping that God damn country-fried knee right off? You would become a national hero. EVERYONE would love you for putting an end to Favre's shit (except for Minnesotans but they elected Al Franken AND Jesse Ventura so they don't really matter). Parades would be thrown in your honor. Americans would begin ignoring our servicemen and proclaiming YOU as this country's greatest resource.

In closing, Bernard, America needs you. Times are tough. With so many Americans suffering, we need football. We need heroes. We need a guy willing to shorten Brett Favre's life. And if you need more convincing, Favre is taking Sage Rosenfels job so I assume that #4 is an anti-semite.

Thank you in advance, Bernard. I will enjoy the bloodbath. I've done all that I can. The power is in your hands now.

--G$

11 comments:

Nate B. said...

BP feasts on the knee ligaments of pretty boys - good work!

I'd love nothing more than for Brett Favre's NFL and Wrangler Jeans Backyard playing days to come to a grisly end.

GMoney said...

To be quite honest, I fucking loved writing this.

flohtingPoint said...

Oh shit, I forgot that they elected Al Franken... Man, that puts them up there in the Annals of Dumb with Alaska for Palin and electing a Senator who was all but going to prison DURING the election (Ted Stevens).

rstiles said...

This is one of the best posts!!!

J Beanie said...

Did you hear who is Favre-ing it now? That's right, John Madden is coming out of retirement. No truth to the rumor however the he won't join NBC to be the Vikings color guy.

Mr. Ace said...

Nothing can stop Favre. Not even a Last Boy Scout style rampage could end his career.

GMoney said...

Fuck! Dammit, when I was brain-storming, I wanted to include a Last Boy Scout reference.

Tony B. said...

A very Cartman-esque letter- well done, sir!

GMoney said...

It reminds me of the time when a certain captain in the armed forces that I know sent Cal Ripken a death threat when he was close to breaking Gehrig's record. That letter was hilarious. I wish that I had a copy of it.

The Fist of the North Stars said...

As a Vikings fan I agree I want him to never wear our colors in a regular season game. If BP won't do it I hope Mario does it next week.

GMoney said...

Even Vikings fans hate this guy!!!