Monday, August 17, 2009

PGA Final Round Live Journal!

Hey! She$ is gone for the day, I plan on doing nothing, I am rocking the shirtless guy look on this glorious No Pants Sunday, and what else would I rather be doing than blogging? How about a live journal of the final round of The PGA Championship from Bumfuck, Minnesota? Done and done. Let's do this. Nick Faldo says that this tournament will come down to the final few holes and I assume that he is not lying to me. Because if he is... We will get started LIVE (not really, consider this to be on tape delay) from the friendsly confines of the Money Mansion when Tiger hits the first tee at 2:45.

2:40 HELLO FRIENDS! Hell yeah, Jim Nantz and the creepy smile greet us today. He and Han Solo Faldo are hanging out with the Wanamaker Trophy which has to be the dumbest and gayest trophy name ever.
2:44 Yeah, yeah, yeah Tiger has never lost a major when he was leading going into the final round. Am I predicting him to win major #15 today? Well, are Rally's built only in completely shitty neighborhoods? Yes and yes.
2:44 NCIS: Los Angeles? Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J? Is it 1996 again?
2:45 Tiger is rocking some serious back sweat...just like me!
2:46 Y.E. Yang has almost no shot to win this. Hell, his caddy is making stir-fry right now. Expect more casually racist remarks today.
2:48 FYI, we will be toggling between golf, the race, and Red Sox/Rangers today. Eat shit.
2:50 If you watch The Mentalist, you should be ashamed of yourself.
2:52 Tiger puts his 184 yard approach on 1 within 6 feet. This is over. I'm glad that I signed up to live journal this event for the next 4 hours. Fuck me.
2:57 Ugh, shitty effort by Woods on that putt. Rush Limbaugh says that a white guy would have made that.

3:00 Am I seeing this right? Paddy Harrington has a woman as a caddy? I can't respect a man who asks a woman for advice in an athletic competition. Get your ass in the kitchen, bitch.
3:06 I can't take anyone seriously if they are wearing a white belt. Fags.
3:08 CBS is taking a commercial break after every Tiger shot. They better cut that shit out. FYI, I'm writing this post on the brand new Money Shot Laptop. It's already caked with semen.
3:10 Kurt Angle got busted for HGH. I can't say that I'm surprised. It's true, it's true.
3:13 Tiger misses another birdie putt on 2. He should be playing on the And1 golf tour.
3:17 Mark Martin is apparently having issues with his ear plugs. I assume that he's just going deaf.
3:22 Ugh, I'm already bored with this. SOMEBODY MAKE A FUCKING BIRDIE!
3:24 Holy shit, the guy representing 2010 PGA site, Whistling Straits, looks like a serial killer. Now I'm paying attention again.
3:25 Tiger tells the ball to "bite" about 400 times on hole #3. It did not bite.
3:28 Lucas "The Glove" Glover is now at -6. He still blows.

3:32 Despite his tiny Asian penis, Yang birdies and is one back of El Tigre.
3:37 I really fucking hate U2. They have got to be the most annoying band of all-time.
3:39 Ernie Els has quite the gigantic ass. Just sayin'. He's probably Sir Mix-A-Lot's favorite golfer.
3:41 Eldrick bogeys 4 and now is tied with Chien Minh Yang. Interesting.
3:43 Paddy is going par crazy through 5. He's just missing birdie putts. He must be drunk...or not drunk enough.
3:50 Just met the neighbor lady, Ruth. Nice broad. I'm quite certain that she was turned on by my shirtless guy look.
3:53 Payne Stewart feature...never get on a plane that doesn't have cabin pressure.
3:56 Tiger has the lead again after Yang bogeys 5 with his left blinker on.

4:00 Steve Flesch-balloon is somewhere on the course right now. He looks exactly like Mr. Strickland from Back To The Future. Slacker!
4:05 This Kjeldsen fella is putting his ass off this weekend. He's like the anti-Vijay Singh. By the way, I was watching round 3 with my father-in-law on Saturday and we were laughing our asses off at Stinky missing all of those 3 footers. Hilarious.
4:09 It's sad that I flip over to the NASCAR race trying to make myself un-bored. It didn't work. Jeff Gordon just got an air pressure intake valve adjustment. How exciting.
4:11 James Brown interview with Mike Vick is tonight on 60 Minutes. Yeah, I'm sure that he's rehabilitated and sorry for what he did.
4:13 Dear Tiger, wake me up. PLEASE GO FOR THE GREEN IN TWO!
4:15 I just pulled out a chest hair just to see if I could still feel pain. I can not. I blame this tournament.
4:16 Fuck you, Tiger. Conservative Tiger pisses me off. Yang just fired one into the gallery going for the green in two. I'm starting to like this little charlie.
4:22 Paddy is hitting the fucking ball over the place. I'm better than him. Just nuked one in the water. He's done.
4:25 The Yankees are facing some guy named Fister today. You can't make this shit up.
4:28 Paddy takes an 8 on the par 3 8th. Nice job, Tin Cup. This is a two minority race now for the title.

4:30 Jesus Christ. Tiger is in the sand on 8. Will someone do something good already!!! Slope McGee answers the call and should be pulling even with Woods now.
4:37 Yang blows his chance to take the outright lead on 8 but does manage to finish off the happy ending for his caddy. God damn, this is boring.
4:46 Talking to mom on the phone. Easily the most exciting part of the day.
4:51 Tiger and Yang make the turn tied at -6. G$ starts questioning his decision to follow this shitstorm.
4:55 Highlights of Sergio choking last year at Oakland Hills always makes me smile.
4:59 Holy shit! Tiger actually puts an approach less than 50 feet from the pin. Good chance at birdie for the greatest to ever play.

5:05 Nick Faldo just mentioned Tiger's trousers...and again he misses a birdie putt. I should have went golfing with Damman and Buke today. Huge lapse in judgement by me. Oh well, Nick Swisher just delivered a Swisher Sweet off of that Fister fella.
5:07 Yang has been solid today. But I could do without him doing math homework in between shots.
5:11 I would never leave my money in the Bank Of Ireland. But I would bet that all the tellers there know how to take a punch.
5:13 ALRIGHT! Tiger playing with some balls and gets on the par 5 11th in two! Finally, something interesting is happening.
5:16 Let's take a moment to congratulate Phil Mickelson on his +12 showing this weekend. What a bag of shit.
5:21 Annnnnnnd Tiger birdies 11 to take the lead back. I credit this to me finally putting a shirt on today.
5:28 Nice close-up on Steve Edwards' legs. Gross. Tiger just launched a 6 iron 225 yards. Damn. Too bad the shot was awful.

5:30 Big Ern is only three shots back. Interesting as it appears Tiger will card a bogey here. Vijay finishes his tournament at +1. You can see the stink lines coming off of him.
5:36 We're tied again. Tiger is playing like shit. Yang, where is my automobile?
5:38 Joba is really pissing me off with his inconsistencies. He needs to lay off of his mother's crystal meth.
5:40 Nice job by CBS completely missing Tiger's tee shot on the par 3 12th. Fuckers.
5:43 Brian Vickers wins at MIS. You don't care.
5:46 Another missed birdie putt for T-Woods. This is so fucking painful to watch and it's not even close to being over with. Still tied with 5 holes left.
5:49 This terrible tournament better not effect the Big Brother start time tonight. Don't fuck with me, Jim Nantz.
5:52 Yang and Tiger both go for the par 4 14th green in one. Both fail miserably. Words can't describe how much I would rather be hanging myself right now.
5:56 YANG CHIPS IN FOR EAGLE AT 14! I'm awake again! Tiger with a must-make birdie putt now or this fucker is over...and he drills it. It's on now.

6:03 Tiger just hit his drive on 15 about 600 yards. It's about fucking time that he got aggressive.
6:04 I had no idea that Corey Pavin was still alive.
6:11 Great, we're taking commercials after every shot again. Julie Chen is going to whip Tiger's ass over this.
6:18 Tiger and Yang both with pars. If Tiger does not win, he can blame himself for sucking ass on par 5's this weekend.
6:24 I'm going to take the next few minutes to look at some porn. Why didn't I think of this earlier? And to answer your question, yes, pieces of the Erin Andrew peephole video are still available.
6:27 He's playing his ass off and I give him credit, but Yang is getting extremely fortunate on bounces today.

6:31 And we go to the par 3 17th still with Yang holding a one shot lead. He really wants the Wanamaker Wok. He's done the math and, yes, he can win this.
6:36 Ooooooooooooooooh Redskins and Pats on CBS this Friday night. Maybe we will score this week!
6:40 Yang goes middle of the green. Tiger goes...over. Ladies and gents, this tournament is pretty much over. Y.E. fucking Yang is going to win a major. This has to be the worst year for major winners ever.
6:48 Tiger bogeys 17. He is going to kill someone before he leaves Minnesota. Yang bogeys though two because he feels the heat. Nice 3 putt, gook. On to 18 with Tiger down 1. This is the worst golf tournament ever.
6:51 If those goes to a playoff, I quit. I can't handle much more of this shit.
6:57 Whoa, Yang sticks a wood from 203 to within 6-8 feet. Tiger is running out of time. Very Shaun Micheel-esque there.
6:58 This bitch is over as Tiger goes over the green again. What a waste of a day this turned out to be.
7:03 Birdie, motherfucker. That does it. Goliath has finally been slain (bible reference!).

There you go. Egg Roll Yang is the 2009 PGA Championship winner. And I have decided to never live journal a golf tournament again. My God, this was a horrible life decision. I would have rather watched ten episodes of That 70's Show (worst show ever). Move over Micheel and Rich Beem, you've got company now as the worst major winners ever.


Anonymous said...

Tiger Choked! He choked!


Grumpy said...

More entertaining than those dickheads on CBS. Can't wait for Tuesday and your commentary on Chima losing her mind.

GMoney said...

Yes, he did, Drew. That was awful. Much as I assume your 12th and 13th pick will be in Sunday's G$FL Draft.

Grump, it's shaping up to be epic.

Tony B. said...

I dig the Mr. Strickland reference. That guy was a badass in the alternate present (Part 2) when his house gets shot up during a drive-by.

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