Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Michael Beasley Is A Twunt

WARNING! Today I will be unleashing my annual "there are too many pussy kids in this country" rant.

Poor Michael Beasley. His life can't be easy. He's got millions of dollars in his bank account as a 20 year old kid. He has the potential to be a superstar in the NBA. He gets to pick whichever whore(s) he wants to fuck every night. He's got all sorts of advisors preventing him from having to make too many stupid decisions. Well, except for posting pictures of himself on Twitter with two bags of weed on the table in the background. Nice work, genius.

Obviously, there is backlash. I assume that most of his followers called him a fucking moron for 1.) personally incriminating himself as a drug user and 2.) getting that fucking awful tattoo on his back. I didn't know that "God's Son" was such a shameless self promoter. His response was logically the next step when he fired back with a tweet stating, "Feelin like it's not worth livin!!!!!!! I'm done". Now, I can handle the ridiculous number of exclamation points, but what kind of person goes from being called a dipshit to suicide? Oh and this juicy nugget just screams intelligence:

"I feel like the whole world is against me I can't win for losin".

No, Mike, the world isn't against you. They just want you to not be such a belligerent stereotype of the "NBA thug". And what in the hell does "can't win for losing" even mean anyway? I've heard people use the expression before but have no idea what it could possibly mean. No loser ever wins. What did Beasley even lose?

Which leads me to my these days are fucking pussies who have no idea how to handle their business. Take Beasley here for example. He's been coddled and told how great he was all his life. He probably never faced any adversity because someone was always there to be the fall guy or take the wrap. Then again, Beasley went to SEVEN high schools so who knows where the hell it all went wrong. Thousands of kids have probably been caught with pot this year alone and I doubt any of them threatened to kill themselves.

I just hate fucking parents these days. With their bike helmets and participation ribbons and everyone gets to's bullshit. Kids need to face some hardships and deal with it themselves. They don't need protection. They need to learn. The first time that my parents took the training wheels off of my bike, I fucking drilled a mailbox and fell off. You know what, I learned that fucking day that falling sucked ass and I shouldn't do it anymore. I didn't wear a God damn helmet. And look at me now...the baddest fucking asshole on the planet.

So here is what I suggest. Hell, I support a political party that is apparently in favor of death panels anyway, so I may as well take the lead on this one. We need to avoid the pussy behavioral patterns shown by Beasley and Vince Young and Dontrelle Willis and Zach Greinke. You don't need therapy. You need to stop being a little bitch, sack up, and be a man. It is up to me to teach the future of America some lessons on how to not be a pussy who makes excuses/takes the easy way out.

I'm just going to start punching kids in the face. When I get done with one, I will brand their forearms with a $. That means that that kid already got his medicine and he likely isn't crying in Target anymore while his mom does nothing. He's behaving himself. He knows that if he keeps being a spoiled little shit, Big Papa GMoney could knock his fucking teeth out. I recommend you do the same thing. Let's just start beating the shit out of young boys until they fucking learn that it's not OK to be a twat.

Damn parents. The next thing you know, some kid is going to kill himself because mommy and daddy wouldn't get him the new Madden game. Sometimes, I really hate America. Say what you want about terrorists, but I bet that their sons don't where a helmet when they ride their goats to the market to buy dynamite. Ah, simpler times. Now if you will excuse me, little Timmy over there needs to be silenced.


Anonymous said...

Killing yourself if your parents take away your Madden game? That thought didn't even cross my mind when my parents took away my Halo 3.

--Daniel Petric

Grumpy said...

Let's just put G$ in charge and the world will be better place.

Anonymous said...


I am slow clapping for you as we speak.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

How can I reach these keeedz!

GMoney said...

My knuckles are sore. I need to go out and get some brass knucks. That'll learn those little shits.

Tony B. said...

You mean you don't have a similar tattoo that says "Supercool G$." Weird.

Excellent Cartman reference, Ace.

rstiles said...

Beez for president

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