Monday, August 10, 2009

I'm Back.

Hey, fuck-ups, did you miss me? Mr. Ace, as well as the rare blogging appearance of Beanie, did a fine job covering for me while I was gone and should be commended for their work. But you’ve got me again. I’m back, bitches. So grab your FUPA tampon and get ready as this return post is likely going to give you hemorrhoids (I assume that all of you read this site while shitting and this is a lengthy one featuring a video of ME!).

So….I’m married now. Ugh. With the exception of She$ screwing up the vows and our DJ being a total tardfucker, the wedding weekend was a success. ***By the way, the picture above is a diagram that was drawn up by the groom and his groomsmen at the church. Take a close's pretty good.*** Even a shitting luminary like Mr. Ace showed up and gave us an Ace gift certificate (I don’t even know what to do with this by the way, I already have a hammer and two screwdrivers, what else do I need? Does Ace sell bestiality porn? Ace probably sells bestiality porn.) Back to the reception, I ended up getting a bit tipsy and wound up belting out some Poison with Nate. The video is below (thanks, Jesse).

How about a few random observations from the honeymoon? First of all, a big FUCK YOU to the Atlanta airport for not giving away free Wi-Fi. Go fist yourself, pricks. I’m actually writing this on Saturday afternoon waiting for my goddamn flight to board so that I can get back to Columbus and spend some un-quality time at Dut and GSaul’s house. Fuck me.

We fly out on Monday morning last week and make our way to Atlanta for a connection to the left coast. I only had an hour in between flights so driving over to Erin Andrews’ house and shooting more peephole footage was out of the question. HOWEVER, on the same ATL to SD flight was none other than Mr. Gary Thorne! You may know him as the ESPN baseball commentator who always broadcasts the all-star celebrity softball game. She$ asked me if I was sure it was him and my reply was something like, “Please. That’s Gary Thorne. I’ve seen enough softball games to know that face”. I was going to ask him about Bob Knight’s defense at first base, but he was already boarding for first class. The week was off to a great start.

We had some drink tickets for the flight that some idiot in Columbus gave us so I ordered up a Bloody Mary. It was the first time that I’ve had one…and it will be the last. Fucking gross. Tomato juice! Vodka! Baby shit! Never again. I’ve got a Napoleon Attitude.

After what feels like 24 hours of traveling, we arrive at Tijuana’s Hat. Heading over to the rental car place, I’m feeling like dropping the honeymoon bomb to see what kind of upgrade I can get. Huh…it was between a PT Cruiser (the gayest car ever made) and a freaking hybrid Prius. I chose the Prius. At first, I thought that as soon as the car started, dicks would be placed in my mouth, ass, and dickhole. But I’ve got to be honest, that Al Gore is on to something. Going green ain’t bad. Once you get over the fact that you look like a guy who enjoys being gangbanged by a ravenous gang of gay bikers, it’s a pretty sweet ride. You get like 50 miles/gallon. We put over 500 miles on that car in 6 days and I only spent $30 on gas. This just in, I now work for Toyota.

Let’s not get all racial here but let’s get racial anyway. San Diego isn’t a big black community…but it is a HUGE brown community. Lots of Mexicans gallivanting around making me embarrass myself by constantly asking them about what sort of breakfast burrito they make. Here’s my question: what exactly is the age that all Mexican women get gigantic God awful tattoos? 8? Every one of them by the pool at our resort had a dragon on their tit or something else gawdy. Hell, some broad had two pairs of baby feet inked on her back. Gross. You Mexicans sure are crafty.

I actually bought a pair of swim trunks. It’s been at least 15 years since that has happened. I looked like a fat asshole in them.

Since I drove the entire time, I allowed She$ to run the radio. She likes country music. I sucked it up and let her have her way. I hate the shit. The worst of the bunch though is Rascal Flatts. These guys are fucking horrible. Take the cheesiest lyrics and songs that all sound the same and there you have Rascal Flatts. They are Nashville's version of O-Town. Can someone explain to me why these guys are so popular among inbred cattle-fuckers?

Snorkeling with sharks was fun but we had to kayak out to where they were and I’m a weak little bitch. I did manage to tip our kayak over twice. What an amazing man I am.

We went to the Wild Animal Park as well. I ran the camera that day which should tell you one thing…I do have pictures of a rhino’s dong. It’s endangered after all. When that animal becomes extinct, you will thank me for having evidence that it had a football-sized schlong.

By the way, if you are ever in the area of some wineries, get your ass over there and do some sampling. That was the shit. They didn’t have my wine from college ($2.95 bottle of Livingston Red Rose) but it was awesome.

As far as food goes, I tried two things that I always wanted to try: fish tacos and In-N-Out Burger. Fish tacos are fantastic and Walter Sobchek was on the money about In-N-Out…just amazing.

How about we tie in something sports related? If you ever have the desire to do a tour of a bunch of baseball parks, feel free to leave Petco Park off of your list. It’s boring. 16 ounce beers are $8.25. I walked around half the park and couldn’t find a brat (pissed me the fuck off). Who knows though, maybe the place is better when the team isn’t an AA squad. And don’t get me started on the Mets. That team sucks so much. I would have rather went to Chargers camp and mocked Phil Rivers for being a poopypants queerlick than watch a game in which the two clean-up hitters were Jeff Francouer and Kevin Kuntmanoff. Just awful. WHERE ARE THE FUCKING BRATS, SAN DIEGO!!!

Since we had a red-eye back home on Friday morning, we played it cool on Thursday. That meant that we sat by the pool. Our resort had a decent water slide. I went down it twice. It was awesome. The older that you get; the more likely it is that you to forget about how awesome water slides are. They still are the fucking balls.

And here we are…still sitting in the ATL airport. They have moved us to a different gate 4 fucking times already and we should finally be boarding soon. Hopefully on this flight, I don’t have some teenager sleeping with his head on my shoulder. That was a bit uncomfortable. I should have kept pushing his head down to my junk just to see his reaction.

Ahhhhhh. It’s good to be back and writing again even if it does mean that I’m back in Ohio as opposed to the awesomeness of So Cal. I’m looking forward to entertaining you bastards again. I feel refreshed and ready to go. Eat shit. For the record, San Diego is a freaking amazing place and I will recommend to all of you to make it out there some day. Oh, and eat shit. Never forget to eat shit.


Upstate Underdog said...

Yes, In-N-Out is amazing. As was the Yankee sweep this weekend.

Anonymous said...

So, what was She $'s cut from being the American broad at the Donkey Show in Tijuana?


Anonymous said...

G-Money, congrats and great video of your gut at the reception. Glad to have you back.


Grumpy said...

I'd comment on that video, but I have to change the oil on my PT Cruiser.

Anonymous said...

Whoever the douchebag is writing shit and saying its me needs to board a plane with the entire yankees team and crash into a building of steelers fans in downtown pittsburgh.


GMoney said...

Fake Seal? I don't like that one bit.

Mr. Ace said...

G$, you just bought a new house. There are a million things the Ace gift card is good for. She$ will be putting you to work shortly and you will have to become a real man and use power tools.

Who gives a fuck about baseball. Football was being played last night! I bet Vince Young kills himself by week 3.

I'm glad to see you survived that shark attack.

rstiles said...

I don't know about the rest of you, but I already notice a little bit of the edge is missing on G$'s writing...

You just are not as sharp...

Marriage is already affecting you!!!

GMoney said...

I just bought myself a ShamWow. I can't wait to spill shit all over the place.

Tony B. said...

A ShamWow is perfect for mopping up the blood after a hooker bites your tongue off, so you're covered on that front.

MuDawgfan said...

"Let’s not get all racial here"

Why the fuck not?

Congrats on your nuptuals!

Anonymous said...

Thanks G$. Wish I had the whole video, But you guys rocked. Sounded like a hell of a honeymoon except for Petco. I've always heard that was a cool park.. Maybe the critics are liars. S.Diego is a great city, I've been there. In-N-Out Burger is the greatest.. I miss that place when I visited Cali a few years back. Yankees are on a roll for sure. Screw the Sox. White and Red.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed the wedding and the mini Class of 99 reunion (since I skipped the first one).

I believe in our baseball playing days we missed a tournament game in Cincinnati to go to a waterpark and water slides. Tell me if I am mistaken.

I am just going to refrain from commenting on the cattle fuckers and Rascal Flats comment.


Anonymous said...

Look dipshit we know you didn't get married to that whore you hang out with but a gay lover named Fabio who routinely rams you in the ass while you yell out his name.