Friday, August 28, 2009

I Can't Freaking Sleep

Every damn year at this time, the same fucking shit happens to me. I will lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for at least an hour (sometimes two) thinking about fantasy football scenarios. It is a fucking killer on me. And yet I can't turn it off. I can't stop thinking about what I might do in certain situations in my drafts. It's sort of like Phil Rivers being unable to turn off his doucheness. God, I hate that guy. He could float 400 touchdown passes this year and I would still argue that he sucks balls. Look at him! He is awful. On the Mount Rushmore of NFL Fuck-Up's, the four faces have to be Cutler, Romo, Favre, and Rivers, right?

Anyway, my boy, Bling, created a ten step process for fantasy success. His brilliant advice follows:

Well it is that time of year again when we need to refocus and start our research for fantasy football. Whether you had a successful season or you put all of your eggs in to Tom Brady and quit watching football after week one, we all can learn a few things from last year to help us reach the promise land.

1. Respect your league members - Well at least make it appear that way on the outside. That way they may have some sympathy towards you, and be willing to make a trade that can put you over the top. I personally have never done this, but I know a few guys who have what members of our league refer to as their, "farm team".

2. Stick to your game plan - There is a reason you headed into the draft planning on a backfield of Brandon Jacobs and Darren McFadden. Don't listen to those other guys who are heckling you, once they sober up and realize that they are stuck with Leon Washington and Ladell Betts they will be the ones preparing for a season of disappointment.

3. Respect America - It is important to honor the country that has given you this great game. I know for a fact that I will say the Pledge of Allegeance at least once at our draft. Rumor has it that last year I loved our country so much, it may have been repeated two or three more times.

4. Don't under value kickers - They are the one player you can pretty much count on scoring weekly. And there is also a reason for those late 1990's commercials that referred to Al Del Greco as the greatest player in the history of the game.

5. Get drunk at the draft and every Sunday that follows - Come on people, what other time of the year other than March Madness does getting drunk really seem as satisfying? Football season is something special and it deserves to be treated as such with enough barley and hops to help keep the farmers of America employed for another year.

6. Go to church - This is a special time of day where you can get your family time in, and maybe, just maybe you can ask God for a little help in defeating your opponent.

7. Talk shit - It doesn't matter if you have 1 win or 10, your pride is on the line, and who here doesn't want to go down swinging. I think I was once beaten by 40 points and still told the owner who beat me that if I would have started a different combination of guys I would have kicked his ass. This is what it is all about.

8. Have mutant gas at draft - This is a hold over from last year's list, but I feel it is one of the most important items to remember. It really does help. On draft day, other than a box full of porn, this is your best weapon to use to help distract your opponent. I have actually seen guys walk out of the room because my gas was so bad, and by the time they returned, I had filled my team with two or three studs that they missed out on.

9. The Penalty Shot - A beautiful invention of the GFL. This has caused a lot of good memories at our drafts, and a few that we can't remember, literally. We make it a tradition that when you make a mistake by bringing up a player that has already been drafted, you must take a "penalty" shot of Jaeger/Firewater. There is nothing more hilarious than a guy who is on his third penalty shot and disappears for a while and is found naked on the shitter (coughJessecough).

10. Refer to TSP often - Paddio would never steer you wrong. He will give you the information you need to have successful season.

Enjoy playing the game and know that it is a matter of life or humility as to how your season goes. Good luck!

Thanks, Blinger!!! Just a reminder, IT'S COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK ALL NEXT WEEK!!! All of the predictions are's all over but the arguing over what "overrated" means.


Anonymous said...

Bling lost me at point # 6.


GMoney said...

I see his point though. It's football season. You need all the help you can get. Love the Pledge of Allegiance call though.

GMoney said...

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the undermanned (seriously, they have TEN guys play both ways) Naptown Wildcats hit a 43 yard FG as time expired last night to beat Defiance. Outstanding.

Grumpy said...

What kind of lame towns play high school football on a Thurs. night?

GMoney said...

The Goddamn River Rivalry, that's who, bitch!!! They started doing it last year so they could be "the first game in the state". Lame.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...the same type of lame schools that play college football on weekday the MAC.


Tony B. said...

Does someone sing "God Bless America" during the middle of the 7th round of the G$FL?