Friday, August 07, 2009

Fantasy Football Friday

(Fantasy Futbol?)
Now we could all sit here and talk forever about who the top five quarterbacks, running backs, and wide receivers are, but the truth is it doesn't matter. If you get one of the top three quarterbacks it really doesn't make a difference which one you get. The true achievement is to be able to find those diamonds in the rough. That's really what fantasy football is all about, finding that hidden gem that puts your team over the top. I am that guy. I find the sleepers. I am the guy who picked up Tim Hightower with my last pick. I am the guy who was all over Lance Moore. I am the genius who wouldn't be outbid for Kevin Walter. Me, Mr. Ace mother fuckers. So here are some sleepers to take your fantasy football team to the top.

Carson Palmer. You all may be thinking "no shit sherlock", but Palmer is barely projected as a top 15 fantasy quarterback. That's retarded. He is risk coming off of the Tommy John's surgery, but if he is healthy he will produce like a top 7 QB.

Daunte Culpepper. First, you have the Detroit Lions effect. You know they are going to be behind at the end of almost every game so Culpepper will have plenty of opportunity to rack up points in garbage time. Second, Calvin Johnson is the shit. Third, Bryant Johnson is a pretty solid number two.

Running Backs:
Pierre Thomas. This guy is going to be the sleeper of all sleepers this year. His fucking name is Pierre, nobody really wants to draft him. But you have to look past his queerish name and realize that he is going to produce big numbers in the Saints offense. Reggie Bush is going to be hurt all season long and Duece isn't there anymore to vulcher goal line carries.

Darren Sproles. Every time this guy has the ball in his hands he is a threat to go the distance. The Chargers stared to figure that out last year and began using him more often. I expect them to continue to work Sproles in even more this year with a slowing LT. Not only is he a threat on offense, but he comes up huge in the return game as well.

Correll Buckhalter. He is a perfect fit for Denver. I know Shanahan is gone, but their run principles remain. Buckhalter is a run move and go kind of back that should thrive there. He may have to split duties with Knowshon Moreno for awhile, but I think Buckhalter will eventually get the job all to himself.

Brandon Jackson. When he got a chance to play last year he looked very good. Ryan Grant might be the biggest fucking fraud in the NFL, he produced for half a season two years ago and now everybody thinks he's fucking All Pro. He will lose his job by year end. Get on Brandon Jackson.

Wide Receivers:
Lance "Mother Fuckin'" Moore. My boy. He's back again and Drew Brees will be looking for him often. There are plenty of balls to go around in New Orleans and I expect Moore to get his fair share of opportunities. He proved his worth last year and I expect Brees to reward him for his efforts.

Torry Holt. I know I ripped the Jags for having Torry Holt as their number one. But the fact remains that he is a number one receiver who can be of great value as a later pick. David Garrard has nobody else to throw to.

Steve Smith. No, not that Steve Smith. The one that plays for the Giants. He is going to be the most consistent target that Manning has. I look for him to emerge as the number one and go to guy for the Giants.

Chris Henry. There is always a risk that he will rob a convenience store or knock up a 12 year old, but he is worth the risk. All reports out of Cincy have been extremely positive thus far. He will be Palmer's number one target. Ocho Cinco doesn't have what it takes anymore. Chris Henry is finally going to get his mental game on par with his physical talent and have a break out year.

Jason Avant. I love me some Jason Avant. He has some of the best hands in the league and McNabb trusted him as his go to guy is pressure situations. Avant is going to expand his role this year. Philly is loaded with quick, smallish WR's so I expect Avant to get a lot of looks down on the goal line. His height and physicality will be the difference for him.

How about some guys that I am avoiding:
Kurt Warner. Make no mistake about it, for the right price I will take Warner. I just don't think he can make it through a full season. He has weapons all around him, but this decision is purely based on his ability, or lack there of, to stay healthy. I don't care how much Jesus loves him, he isn't playing 16 games this year.

Tony Romo. Do I really need to say anything else?

Ronnie Brown. Everybody will remember that huge four running TD performance he had last year. What they don't remember is that if you take that game away he only had six TD's and less than 1,000 yards. Ricky "Reefer" Williams will still be there to take away touches and points.

Marshawn Lynch. Beast mode? More like bitch mode, amirite? I made this mistake last year and I won't make it again. He sucks. And he is missing the first three games this year. Even if he weren't suspended I wouldn't come close to him. Fred Jackson steals way to many opportunities and Lynch really just isn't that good.

Donnie Avery. I don't get everybody's fascination with this guy. He only went over a hundred yards last year one time and only had three TD's, never having more than one in a game. Now the Rams bring in Spagnuolo and a new grind it out mentality that should lessen his opportunities even more. Don't believe the hype.

Reggie Bush. Bush is the definition of a venereal disease. He is a sexy pick that appears to have it all, but in the end all you end up with is a lump on your dick and the ability to piss fire. Stay away.

So there you have it kids, your 2009 NFL Fantasy Draft kit courtesy of Mr. Ace. Have any of your own friendly fantasy advice? Leave it in the comments.


Grumpy said...

Yeah, I have a comment. Fantasy football is ruining real football and the players are all degenerate pedophiles living in their Mom's basement.

jessegscott said...

From my knowledge Palmer never did have Tommy John Surgery, He just let it heal with time.

Mr. Ace said...

Jesse, you are correct. He was afraid to have the surgery because of the lack of recovery information on QB's. Either way, his recovery is still key.

GMoney said...

Exactly, this dumbass did no research about Palmer.

Jason Avant sucks ass.