Wednesday, July 01, 2009
UPDATE!!! Fuck Brian Cashman in his smelly goat ass. He will burn in Hell for this.
Hank Steinbrenner: Brian, com'eer a-minute. We need to talk.
Brian Cashman: Sure thing, Hank. What's new?
HS: Look. I like the way these guys are playing but they could be better. I want to make a move.
BC: Oh, ok, it's a little early for that but what did you have in mind? Maybe another bullpen arm?
HS: No way. My name does not make the Times by adding a middle reliever. I want to go out and get a big bat.
BC: Well...the team is starting to hit it's stride so I'm not sure where we could fit another guy. We've already got 4 OF's and a guy who can only DH. But who do you have in mind? Matt Holliday? Adrian Gonzalez?
HS: Eric. Fucking. Hinske.
BC: Eric Hinske? The same guy that is riding the pine for the Pirates 6 nights a week?
BC: The same Hinske that has one home run this year and is terrible defensively?
HS: You know it.
BC: The same Eric Hinske that looks like Randi Coy's older asshole brother from My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance? Who doubles as a guy that looks like he would have grown up in Archbold, OH.
HS: You bet your scrawny ass, pal. This is my guy.
BC: Hank, ummm, we already have Eric Hinske but we call him Nick Swisher and he's better.
HS: Yes, but Hinske was the AL Rookie of the Year in 2002.
BC: That was 7 years ago, Hank.
HS: But he has already played for the Red Sox, Rays, and Blue Jays and I want to beat Peter Angelos to the punch. It will be a cold day in Hell before the Yankees are the least team in the AL East that Hinske plays for.
BC: So you want to trade for a guy who is not good and really never was...just to one up the owner of one of the worst franchises in sports?
HS: Now you're on the trolley.
BC: I see. Look, Hank, if we wait a week or two, the Pirates will probably just cut him anyway.
HS: NO! It's been almost a year since I've shipped prospects to Pittsburgh and we must do this now! Do you remember how great Nady and Marte were?
BC: Well, Xavier has already played his last game for us and Marte's ERA is in the millions. Meanwhile, the two arms that we sent them are producing.
HS: Brian, Brian, Brian...it's the cost of doing business. You've got to spend money to make money and so on and so forth. You have to shoot for the moon because even if you miss, at least you are still among the stars. 2 Legit 2 Quit.
BC: Are you just spouting off random cliches?
HS: Cash, are you going to do this for me or do I have to tell my dad that you are not respecting my authority?
BC: No, we can do this but I guess I just don't see the logic behind it.
HS: GOD DAMMIT, I GREW UP RAISING HORSES AND WORKING IN THE STABLES. I NEVER MADE A PENNY OF MY OWN. MY FAVORITE ACTRESS IS JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT! THIS IS MY FUCKING TEAM AND I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, YOU LITTLE BITCH, SO GET ON THE FUCKING PHONE AND GET ME MY CAREER .254 HITTER WITH NO POSITION!!!
BC: Sure thing, Boss.
Eric Hinske is fucking terrible. He has no place to play. The Yankees deemed this guy worthy of sending two prospects to the Pirates for him. I would not give them two candy bars for Hinske's services. You could get 11 RBI from Ed McMahon. I really do believe that this is how the Yankees front office operates. And it makes me sad. Dumbasses. I thought that they finally had it figured out.