Monday, July 06, 2009

Swiss Piss


Yesterday, I actually watched a tennis match. I know, I know, what is wrong with me? I don't think that I've watched more than a game in a men's tennis match over the past decade but I gave the sport three hours of my time on Sunday afternoon. I wasn't overwhelmed or underwhelmed by the Roddick/Federer match...let's just say that I was "whelmed". It was OK, I guess. If that is considered one of the best matches in tennis history, then tennis is even more dead than I thought.

You just knew that Roddick wasn't going to win. They guy is a loser. He's like the Phil Mickelson of tennis. Sure, he's won some tournaments over his career, but in the big moments, you just know that the choke/loss is coming eventually. He played about as well as he probably could and still couldn't beat the man who is apparently the best tennis player ever.

But let's talk about the sport of men's tennis as a whole. This sport sucks and has major flaws and I need to address them today. Of course, this topic has been broached by countless people over the years but those people don't use great words like "fuck" and "fag" in their analysis which makes this investigation much, much better. There is nothing wrong with women's tennis because it's erotic (no, Serena, I was not staring at your titles...I'm staring at your rack) and half of the competitors are Russian mail-order brides. Do you want to marry the #10 tennis player in the world? It will only cost you $2000 and a green card. But back to the men's version for a second; why is it so unwatchable? Let's talk about it:

1. Too many aces - Dude, the technology is a problem. No one can return serves for shit. It's boring to see this happen over and over. Volleys are fun and engaging for the casual fan. Joe Jackoff launching 200 mph rocket serves in which his opponent doesn't even try to hit it? Awful, just awful. Bring back those wooden rackets! I don't like it. They should make a rule that you can't serve the ball more than 100 mph. If you do, you get tasered in the nuts...which is what I feel like when watching ace after Mr. Ace after ace.

2. Americans are awful - There hasn't been a good American since Pete Sampras and even he was a douchebag. Nothing was better than rooting against that dickless dingleberry. How does someone like me get into tennis when there is no one from my country worth a fuck? How can there be NO decent players to come out of this country in the past 15 years? When was the last time an American won a major anyway? 1966? We need the greatest tennis player of all time, Jim Courier, to start producing some uber-stud sons to make tennis an American sport again. Because if I've learned anything from my roommate, it's that all people born from outside of the USA are terrorists. And it will be a cold day in Hell if I root for al-Qaeda to win a tennis match.

3. Roger Federer is a robot - This guy's idea of fun is probably a long hike followed by a cup of hot chocolate. For someone who is supposed to be so great, shouldn't he have some semblance of a personality, too? I bet he reads a lot. Sure, Federer is great at what he does, but part of being great is to make people love you and make other people hate you. You want people to make a stance on you. Like Tiger or Jeff Gordon or Manny or Kobe, you WANT people to have an opinion on you. The worst thing that a superstar could have said about him is "I don't mind him". And that's where Federer is and will always be. If he wants to take the next step, I recommend killing someone. It worked for Ray Lewis and the guy that just got Steve McNair (too soon?).

4. There is no charisma at all - It's not just Roger either. I'm not throwing it all at his feet. None of the men are remotely interesting. Nadal is good and all but that Spanish fag wears God damn capri pants. You absolutely are not allowed to like a foreign fuck that eats tapas and wears capris. Venus Williams is more of a man than Nadal. I really don't have a clue as to how tennis can correct this though. It's been a problem ever since Agassi retired to make mad monkey love to Steffi Graf. Andy Murray, Roddick, James Blake, Dick Racketfucker...who gives a shit about these guys anyway? We need an alcoholic, John Daly-esque player. Or someone like Bruno.

It's just boring. It really is. I should have just avoided the Wimbledon final and watched Tropic Thunder for the 5th time this week instead. It would have been a better investment of my time. I just don't see myself turning men's tennis on again until Courier's sons (King, God, and Python Cock) are dominating the ranks. Tennis sucks.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was sure hoping to see a "What is your plan, Danny Ferry?", since about the best players left to sign for the Cavs are Anthony Parker, Candice Parker or myself.

--Drew

J Beanie said...

As a tennis player (bring on your sweet fag jokes) I loved the match yesterday. Tennis is stale but that was a great match. What could make the sport is Nadal ripping Federer now calling his win not the same b/c he didnt play and he "can't beat me."

As for the Cavs, Anthony Parker = NBA Championship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dustin said...

What a bad weekend in sports If tennis is the big story. How about Joey chestnut breaking his own hotdog record??

GMoney said...

You're right, Dut, I forgot about that. What a performance that was...but not by Joey. But the asshole in the weirdo hat that announces the thing. He was even more insane than usual.

I could talk about Mr. Ace's blogging suicide but that is also a non-story.

Tony B. said...

Bring back Michael Chang! He wasn't that good, but tiny Asian folks always make things more interesting- like in the movie the Hangover!

Jeff said...

Tennis needs and enforcer. A guy who goes out and just tries to hit lasers off his opponents. Screw trying hit the base line, just put a dart off someones forehead. It would still count the same, but have a much better effect.

GMoney said...

Jeff, when I played as a kid, I used to try and hit people when I ran to the net and went for the forehand smash. It actually worked once, too. Very proud day in my life...

Anonymous said...

The last American major winner was Roddick at the U.S. Open in 2003.

Yesterday's match was good, but it was not as good as last year's Wimbledon Final of Federer and Nada.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

You see what happens when I retire from blogging? People fucking die. I apologize to the McNair family.

It doesn't get much gayer than tennis.

Then again I'm at the Shedd Aquarium right now in Chicago and about to watch a dolphin show, so who am I to call anything gay.

GMoney said...

Is a dolphin show like a donkey show?

If the bullets that killed McNair were anything like his passes, none of them were spirals.

Anonymous said...

At least a bitch didn't shoot me! If only he had a machete, he may have had a chance.

--Sean Taylor

jessegscott said...

Well if your the best player in the world, You shouldn't bet beat on the Grandest stage. Has Tiger ever lost a major leading going into the final round? Roddick did not choke. He was beaten by the best.. He has lost 4 times to Roger in Grand Slam Finals.. Without Roger he may have had 3 or 4 more majors. Just like golf. If there is no Tiger woods. Guys like Phil, Vijay, Goosen and Els would ALL have a handfull of majors..

GMoney said...

He had 4 set points in the second set and pissed it away.

Anonymous said...

I agree a little bit that yesterday's match wasn't as exciting as it appeared because of the dominance of the servers. That match wasn't even close to the greatness of Nadal-Federer from last year.

Also men's tennis is not as much of a serve-fest as you are making it out to be. Wimbledon is the tournament where the big servers do the best because of the grass court. The other 3 grand slams are more entertaining with a lot of extended rallies and shot making. Tennis has changed a lot from the late 90's in this regard. Just look at Nadal - that guy lives off of hitting from the baseline and winning long rallies. The US Open is worth a look for you casual tennis fans, especially the night matches which have a great atmosphere.