Monday, July 13, 2009
Other than the Giants 8th starter dropping a no-no on the shitty Padres on Friday night, nothing really happened this weekend. Well, other than UFC dropping their 100th pay per view (eventhough they have put on well over that number, it doesn't really matter since most of their supporters can't count past ten anyway). So I figured that I would waste a few words trying to figure out the allure and appeal of Mixed Martial Arts.
Now, I should state that I am not a complete rube when it comes to this sport. I used to rent the videos of Dan "The Beast" Severn, Royce Gracie, and Ken Shamrock doing their thing back in the late 90's. But I stopped watching once it turned into a bunch of stupid ass submission holds instead of the more crowd pleasing broken jaws and shit like that. And I have not watched since. Because I am a sophisticated sports fan that does not need to see some juiced up wifebeater pummel some other juiced up wifebeater.
At some point, Dana White took the promotion over and brought it back to popularity again. By all accounts, he is sort of a poor man's Vince McMahon (which is a good thing) when it comes to promoting. And now ultimate fighting is as popular as ever and has surpassed boxing and the always outstanding pro wrestling in general (white trash) interest. But why? I don't understand this and need some help here. Boxing has one of the richest traditions in sports history. Granted, there has not been a good heavyweight in a decade, but still. And while the WWE is pre-determined, the storylines and characters make up for the lack of realness. Maybe if someone could tell me why this is so damned entertaining without saying something as low-brow as "they just try to kick each other's asses" or "com'eer-a-minute", I would listen.
My real beef with the UFC has nothing to do with the product in the octagon at all. It's with their roving band of meathead fans. There is no worse person in the world than the muscle-bound faggot meathead. They are even worse than reality TV show contestants, Canadians, and Michael Jackson fans. And unfortunately for the UFC, their fanbase is 95% comprised of these assholes. There are a few exceptions here and there, I'm sure, but most of them are on steroids and go to bars looking to fight someone who is smaller than they are. Oh, and they can't read. This is why I'm writing this post...because almost all of the defenders of MMA can barely make out shapes. And I would bet that if you took a survey of all convicted domestic violence abusers, 100% of them enjoy a UFC event. Is this a convenient stereotype? You bet. But tell me I'm wrong. Not to sound all Colin Cowherd on you here, but the CEO of a Fortune 500 company is spending his money on Derek Jeter and Kobe Bryant, not Frank Mir and Stevey Punchwoman. Critics of the NBA say that they cater to the street and people of that ilk. Well, MMA caters to dickbags who hang out in weight rooms and Abercrombie and Fitch (that place is still for fags, right?).
Now let's take a quick look at the current UFC champion of some sort, Brock Lesnar. This guy left the WWE after injuring more than his share of wrestlers due to his shitty skills to try and make the Minnesota Vikings as a DE. He couldn't even make a team coached by Mike Tice. MIKE TICE! The same Mike Tice who always has a pencil in his ear. The same Mike Tice who had no problems with his players holding a sex cruise. The same Mike Tice who got caught scalping his Super Bowl tickets! Mike Tice was so bad that the Vikings brass felt that Brad Childress was an UPGRADE! Yet the best fighter in the world couldn't play for him. He wasn't good enough of an athlete. And let's not ignore the fact that Lesnar has really weird eyebrows and a tattoo of a dick on his chest. Who walks into a tattoo shop and says "I'd like a penis on my sternum, please".
It's on you today, fighting fans, to explain to me rationally why I should respect your product. Because I don't. And don't try to make me a fan because that ain't happ'nin'. But I'm all ears here if you want to sell me on some positives in which I see none. Personally, it's an event by douchebags for douchebags which will hopefully serve as the site of the next terrorist attack. And I know a thing or two about douchebags. After all, I'm watching Rookie of the Year right now.