Monday, July 13, 2009

Someone Explain UFC To Me


Other than the Giants 8th starter dropping a no-no on the shitty Padres on Friday night, nothing really happened this weekend. Well, other than UFC dropping their 100th pay per view (eventhough they have put on well over that number, it doesn't really matter since most of their supporters can't count past ten anyway). So I figured that I would waste a few words trying to figure out the allure and appeal of Mixed Martial Arts.

Now, I should state that I am not a complete rube when it comes to this sport. I used to rent the videos of Dan "The Beast" Severn, Royce Gracie, and Ken Shamrock doing their thing back in the late 90's. But I stopped watching once it turned into a bunch of stupid ass submission holds instead of the more crowd pleasing broken jaws and shit like that. And I have not watched since. Because I am a sophisticated sports fan that does not need to see some juiced up wifebeater pummel some other juiced up wifebeater.

At some point, Dana White took the promotion over and brought it back to popularity again. By all accounts, he is sort of a poor man's Vince McMahon (which is a good thing) when it comes to promoting. And now ultimate fighting is as popular as ever and has surpassed boxing and the always outstanding pro wrestling in general (white trash) interest. But why? I don't understand this and need some help here. Boxing has one of the richest traditions in sports history. Granted, there has not been a good heavyweight in a decade, but still. And while the WWE is pre-determined, the storylines and characters make up for the lack of realness. Maybe if someone could tell me why this is so damned entertaining without saying something as low-brow as "they just try to kick each other's asses" or "com'eer-a-minute", I would listen.

My real beef with the UFC has nothing to do with the product in the octagon at all. It's with their roving band of meathead fans. There is no worse person in the world than the muscle-bound faggot meathead. They are even worse than reality TV show contestants, Canadians, and Michael Jackson fans. And unfortunately for the UFC, their fanbase is 95% comprised of these assholes. There are a few exceptions here and there, I'm sure, but most of them are on steroids and go to bars looking to fight someone who is smaller than they are. Oh, and they can't read. This is why I'm writing this post...because almost all of the defenders of MMA can barely make out shapes. And I would bet that if you took a survey of all convicted domestic violence abusers, 100% of them enjoy a UFC event. Is this a convenient stereotype? You bet. But tell me I'm wrong. Not to sound all Colin Cowherd on you here, but the CEO of a Fortune 500 company is spending his money on Derek Jeter and Kobe Bryant, not Frank Mir and Stevey Punchwoman. Critics of the NBA say that they cater to the street and people of that ilk. Well, MMA caters to dickbags who hang out in weight rooms and Abercrombie and Fitch (that place is still for fags, right?).

Now let's take a quick look at the current UFC champion of some sort, Brock Lesnar. This guy left the WWE after injuring more than his share of wrestlers due to his shitty skills to try and make the Minnesota Vikings as a DE. He couldn't even make a team coached by Mike Tice. MIKE TICE! The same Mike Tice who always has a pencil in his ear. The same Mike Tice who had no problems with his players holding a sex cruise. The same Mike Tice who got caught scalping his Super Bowl tickets! Mike Tice was so bad that the Vikings brass felt that Brad Childress was an UPGRADE! Yet the best fighter in the world couldn't play for him. He wasn't good enough of an athlete. And let's not ignore the fact that Lesnar has really weird eyebrows and a tattoo of a dick on his chest. Who walks into a tattoo shop and says "I'd like a penis on my sternum, please".

It's on you today, fighting fans, to explain to me rationally why I should respect your product. Because I don't. And don't try to make me a fan because that ain't happ'nin'. But I'm all ears here if you want to sell me on some positives in which I see none. Personally, it's an event by douchebags for douchebags which will hopefully serve as the site of the next terrorist attack. And I know a thing or two about douchebags. After all, I'm watching Rookie of the Year right now.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was surrounded by a solid half hour of UFC talk at work this morning. It was horrible. I had to step outside and smoke until it was over.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I was surrounded by a solid half hour of UFC talk at work this morning. It was horrible. I had to step outside and smoke until it was over.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

My philosophy on why UFC has been successful is this: America has always and always will like a straight fight with very little rules. Do you remember high school when kids would fight? It did not matter who was fighting or how good the fight was going to be, you still went, despite any doubts you had about the quality. America likes fighting.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Li'l Strut, basically what you are saying is that Americans are neanderthal idiots.

Damman, thanks for the double post...it really was worthy of one.

Anonymous said...

G$,

Roughly 1/2 of the U.S Population? Yes!

-Lil' Strut

Tony B. said...

Hmmm- this is a tough one because I'm not educated in any of the technical moves or skills that make MMA interesting, but I definitely have watched my fair share of PPV's. The fights are a bit more time efficient than boxing, and I think the format makes it easier to sell a fight to the masses even without huge names all the time.

The problem is you're essentially right. Some of my buddies used to be wrestlers, and while my friends are not scary meatheads, I've definitely met the kind of guy you're talking about through them. I went to a pre-fight BBQ at Urijah Faber's house a month ago and I felt like a lot of the guys were ready to throw down if someone looked at them the wrong way. Definitely a weird vibe at the party.

I think it can be a little bit of both. The sport can be fun to watch even if some (or many) of the fans are douches.

Mr. Ace said...

I too watched UFC from the beginning. The first several that featured the likes of Royce Gracie and Shamrock. But how can you say you stopped watching once it turned into a bunch of submissions when you name drop Gracie? That's all the fucking guy does. He doesn't even throw punches.

I'm still a big boxing fan, but without some good heavyweights the sport can't carry mainstream.

Yes, most of the fans are fags. But another good portion of the fans are knowledgeable and love the sport without being total dickbags.

I'm not sure what Lesnar not making the Vikings has to do with anything. I don't think Ali could have made an NFL roster but that doesn't mean he wasn't the baddest man on the planet.

And you know you love it when penis is on your sternum.

Anonymous said...

That was probably the best post Mr. Ace has ever done. Really...what the fuck does him trying to play for the Vikings have to do with anything?

You are probably just pissed off that he didn't say, "I might go crawl on top of G$ tonight too".

--Drew

GMoney said...

Well, here's my counter:

Michael Jordan stopped ruling the world and went to baseball because he got bored. He sucked but he had to find something (other than gambling) that challenged him. Point being, he excelled at his craft first.

Lesnar quit McMahon citing that he always wanted to play in the NFL. And then he tried out for one of the dumbest people in the sport not named Millen. And he was told to go the fuck home. And then he went to option 3 and is now a champion. I just can't take a guy seriously when Mike Tice thinks so little of him. To me at least, it's like if Zach Randolph became the heavyweight champ in boxing. Completely absurd.

I name-dropped Gracie just because of the family...and yes, I once saw him fight from his back for what felt like 4 days on PPV. Most boring thing I've ever seen and I've watched Dut plow Mrs. Ace.

Mr. Ace said...

First, Jordan quit basketball because of his gambling situation. I don't remember who owns the Bulls, but they supposedly wanted him to go away for awhile.


Lesnar isn't the smartest guy in the world. He didn't even play football in college and thought he could just step right into the nfl. He didn't make it because he wasn't athletic enough. He had zero technique and is actually undersized to be a lineman in the nfl.

Tony B. said...

So Jerry Reinsdorf wanted Jordan to go away from the Bulls, only to join the White Sox organization which he (Reinsdorf) also owns? That's retarded. Jordan's dad was murdered and Jordan freaked out and tried baseball because his dad used to love baseball as well.

Mr. Ace said...

Yeah, it was pure coincidence that just two days after Jordan retired the nba announced a five month long investigation into his gambling habits had been ended.


He couldn't just retire. He needed to have something to "challenge" him to make it seem legit.

GMoney said...

Congratulations, Ace, on buying into one of Bill Simmons' theories.

Mr. Ace said...

Bill Simmons is a fucking bum, I never read him.



Do you really think Jordan "retired" because he wanted to honor his father and needed a challenge....and then returned to the bulls less than a year and a half later?

Tony B. said...

He freaked out, went to baseball because he thought he could be great at anything, realized he wasn't that great at baseball, then returned to the sport he could dominate. Seems reasonable to me.

If you don't buy that argument- why don't we settle this in the Octagon!?!?!

Galileo Fan said...

UFC is popular because Americans are sadists. We flat out love seeing another man get the living shit beat out of him. Just like we love slowing down when we pass a car wreck hoping to see the body or watch snuff vidoes, well be more than happy to shell out big coin to see "professional athletes" do it in the name of sport.

It's an activity that not only attracts dickbags but helps create more dickbags, now that ESPN tries to give this crap legitmacy with its infomercial...ahem "coverage" of this crap.

True, being cut by Mike Tice means dick, but no one saw Belichek jumping out of his jock to sign any of these fuckheads...not that any of them could pass a PED test anyway. What's the point of having a guy try out when he'll just have to sit 4 games anyway?

Want a quick way to put an end to UFC? Put Ray Lewis in the octagon with one of these faggots. I give it about 30 seconds before Ray rips their fucking balls off and puts them in his martini.

We used to love baseball and football, now we give these asshats PPV airtime. This country has gone completely to shit, hasn't it?

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