Thursday, July 30, 2009

No Son, Swimming Is For Douche Bags

Just a few weeks back Mrs. Ace dragged me off to some cult meeting where everybody ran around in speedo's and chanted gay little chants every time a kid jumped in water. A was later told that this was a swim meet. Lame. At least if it were a cult meeting I might have got to see a human sacrifice...or at least an elephant walk. So this got me thinking about what other sports I would never allow my son to participate in. Yes, I said son. You may not know this but I have superior DNA which allows me only to create men. If by some tragedy I would have a daughter, and she wasn't aborted, she would be forced to stay away from all sports ending in "-ball" because I don't want her to catch that very contagious carpet munching virus. Anyways, five sports my son will never be allowed to play.

1. Swimming. Swimmers are just some weird fuckers. If you're a swimmer, I'm sorry. Not sorry for saying you're a weird fucker, but sorry for you. I have never felt more out of place then I did at that swim meet. These people were literally getting boners about how fast little Timmy swam 200 meters. Every time the kids head would come above the water the people cheering for him would scream "GO!" Listen fucktards, don't you think the kid knows to "go." That's what the fuck he is out there for. You don't need to remind him every four seconds. If you really want to help the kid out buy him some shoulder pads and send him to football practice...fucking freaks.

2. Tennis. Where do I even start? Every once in a while I will go out and play some tennis, only because Mrs. Ace claims she was once a young prodigy and I feel the need to bring her back to reality. There is nothing wrong with a little tennis, but just a little. Sure, it just starts as tennis, but next thing you know your son is dressing like a figure skater and wearing capri pants. Then you throw in the grunting, and it is all time gay.

3. Wrestling. Have you ever heard of Ringworm? I don't know exactly how it happens, but wrestlers get all sweaty while humping each other into submission and then the wrestling mats don't get cleaned. So then the next group of wrestlers hump each other all over the last groups sweat and they get ringworm. Then the ringworm travels throughout your body and grows into a 40 foot tapeworm. Then after two weeks you have to take a piss really bad and -Boom- you have a giant tapeworm making its way out of your urethra. Stay off the mats kids, your penis will thank you. Singlets are for fags.

4. Cross Country. My son will not run for fun. Also, let me make a distinction between CC and Track & Field. Track is okay as long as the distance is less than 400 meters. Anything that falls into the Field category is gay, but doesn't require running 500 miles so it is not nearly as gay as CC. Usain Bolt is fucking awesome. 100 lb. Nigerian's who run 50 miles a day are lame.

5. Baseball. There is no mainstream sport that I hate more than baseball. It bores me out of my fucking mind. Tee ball is fucking pointless. When kids get base hits just by knocking over the tee something is fucking wrong. Little League is just as pointless. Little Jimmy has a beard as a nine year old and hits a home run every at bat and never gives up a hit. Then, when little Jimmy is 17, he is still 5'6" but instead of knocking balls out of the park he is knocking up liquor stores for Cobra. Does anybody even like baseball anymore? The sport is dying and my son will have no part of it. Little Ace will be a sychronized swimmer before he plays baseball...that's what Dustin did as a pre-teen and he turned out just fine. Plus, I believe it is the easiest sport for pedophiles to infiltrate. G Money is an umpire for fuck's sake! How disturbing is that? You wouldn't want your kid withing three miles of him, let alone three feet.

Leave your hate in the comments, please. Or let us all know what your cockboy of a son will participate in.


GMoney said...

It would cost a ton of money, but I would like my mutant offspring to be good golfers. And they absolutely MUST be excellent bowlers.

And if I ever have a son, God Money will be the greatest basketball player of all time.

Dustin said...

I disagre with baseball and wrestling. How do you think I turned into such a beast? I wrestled for 10 years mother fucker! Remember when you threw a snowball at Nate and he attacked me? I think he learned his lesson.

Mr. Ace said...

G$, I am with you on the golf thing. My kid will getting lessons the moment he leaves the womb.

Dustin, I may have to change my critique of wrestling solely based on how you embarrassed Nate when he attacked you. But then again, you did cower behind Grant like a little pussy when Wadorski called you out. Big Fat!

Tony B. said...

If your super-sperm was so great you'd lift the ban on baseball and produce millionaire left-handed pitchers. They can be average by MLB standards and still get paid tons.

Anonymous said...

Good point, Tony. If I ever have a son, I am tying his right arm behind his back and forcing him to be left handed. That's the ticket to the big time. If Jeremy Sowers can be a big league pitcher, anybody can.


MUDawgfan said...

I'm not saying that swimming is fun to watch or masculine at all - but most of the women I know would fuck the shit out of the big time swimmers.

Broad shoulders, great abs, skinny and tall - yeah, sounds like all the things women hate.

Mr. Ace said...

MUD, that is the gayest comment ever to be put on here. You should be ashamed of yourself.