Thursday, July 30, 2009

I've Got A Story To Tell

Chris Cooley* here, the "gayest tight end in the NFL", reporting for duty. I can't believe I have the honor of writing a guest post for The Money Shot. Every morning when I wake up I run to the toilet, drop a deuce, and read the Money Shot--okay, first, I bang my smoking hot wife, but then I really have to take a dump...on her chest-- Where was I? Oh yeah, guest post. Mr. Ace reached out to me a couple weeks back and told me that he wanted me to write a special guest post for G Money. Apparently this is Mr. Ace's idea of a wedding gift. (You're damn right.)

What many of you don't know is that I actually met G Money one time in D.C. Well, sort of. It was during training camp back in 2007. Daniel Snyder came down on the field and told us that we were going to have a child coming from the Make-A-Wish foundation and he really wanted to meet all the players. I was pumped, I love hanging out with retards. I especially enjoy the ones that shout out random things like "titty sprinkles" or "tampon dick shit" and are liable to attack their care takers at any moment...but who doesn't. So, yeah, like I said, I was pumped to mix it up with this little mental defect.

Then Daniel Snyder tells me some bad news. It turns out that this little fella suffers from a serious disease known as "Gingervitis." Gingervitis is a highly contagious disease that causes mutated skin pigmentation, the loss of your soul, and spontaneous combustion. So I throw on my SARS mask, just to be safe, before we meet the "special" guy.

I can't believe my fucking eyes. It is a 26 year old man. Sure, he did have Gingervitis, but he is a grown ass man. Not only is he a grown ass man, he is a grown ass man dressed up like Sheriff Gonna Get Ya and is chasing around Clinton Portis with a pair a pink, fuzzy handcuffs. This was the coolest little retard I had ever laid eyes upon, even if he was 26. I would have jumped in and helped Clinton out, but part of me wanted to see if his retard strength could overcome Clinton. And then if he did get ahold of Clinton, what would he do once he got those pink, fuzzy hand cuffs on him? Unfortunately, I never got to see that happen. It turns out Derrick Dockery hates Gingers just as much as you or I do and he clothes-lined G Money and damn near took his face off. He was unconscious so we strapped him into a wheelchair, tied him to a bus headed for Ohio, and sent him on his way.

That was the last we had ever heard of G Money around these parts. Daniel Snyder had a restraining order placed against G Money that required him to not come within one mile of the Redskins' facilities. Glad to see he is still fighting the good fight, though.

Oh yeah, my wife is fucking hot. Here are some pictures.

(*Not really Chris Cooley retarts)


LikeWhoa said...

I don't care what anyone says, Mr. Ace is funny as shit only your goofy ass would come up with some shit like this.

The real highlight is his sexy ass wife

GMoney said...

The audacity! For the last time, I am not a ginger.

Dustin said...

Good stuff, ace. You're right about the gingervitis though. G$s legs haven't seen the sun since the eagles last won a superbowl.

GMoney said...

And I hope to continue that trend of whiteness. I will be wearing sweatpants on the beach next week.

Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace is hitting his stride. Funny shit. Who need G$?