Monday, July 13, 2009
Let's take a break from the sports talk for a few minutes to discuss one of the more important issues facing America today. No, we're not going to talk about the economy or unemployment or the war on terror or any other pointless shit. Today, we discuss Taco Bell's new Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito.
Now, I don't normally eat Taco Bell unless I'm shit-faced. Call me crazy, but I don't like shitting out popcorn shrimp for three straight days. Only the inclusion of alcohol allows me to make these poor decisions. But the Bell's newest creation had me intrigued.
Taco Bell Grade F Beef? Probably spider meat, but still OK.
Nacho cheese sauce? Makes everything better.
Hash Brown-type potatoes? Outstanding.
TOPPED with even more bacon and wrapped in a tortilla? Can I have sex with this thing already or what?
So I spend 80% of my lunch hour on Friday in the drive-thru line for one of these beauties. The first thing that I notice is that this burrito weighs as much as a cinder block. That's a good start. But then I make the horrible mistake of taking a bite of Taco Bell food while completely sober. This thing is fucking terrible. I don't know what quite happened but this thing is one of the all-time biggest misses in world history. It's like the complete opposite of the mashed potato bowl from KFC where they take all sorts of awesome ingredients, combine them, and form an amazing force of taste (the gravy is the glue).
It takes a lot of effort to make bacon inedible yet Taco Bell has found a way to do it with the greatest of ease. I don't know how this is possible, but mission accomplished, I guess. Serves me right for actually trying to consume Taco Bell with a blood-alcohol level under .15. Idiot. Now if you don't mind, I need to make my 47th trip to the bathroom since Friday afternoon. I'm this close to ridding my body of all of those spider guts.