Tuesday, July 14, 2009
With the All Star Game happening tonight, how about a random baseball post today? I would talk about the Home Run Derby, but a.) it's fucking lame 2.) it hasn't changed since the first year that they did it c.) the celebrity softball game is MUCH better and 4.) Chris Berman's bloated liver just said "Nelson 'Sail Around The World' Cruz". Does that make any fucking sense at all. How about Chris "I'm rarely ever so"Berman. Get it. Because he has cirrhosis of the body and it's hilarious.
OK, onto today's topic (which I have waited probably over a year now so I feel that it's fair game to steal it from commenter Tony B.). One of the coolest things that I've ever seen at a baseball game was when I saw Mariano Rivera exit the bullpen in Yankee Stadium for the 9th inning and they crank the shit out of Enter Sandman. The ominous opening is perfect for a stud closer to take the mound to. Regardless of the fact that Mo likely doesn't know any other song by Metallica, it is still bad-fucking-ass. It is just one small event that I feel fortunate to have seen. I think it would also be sick to see Trevor Hoffman come in for a save with Hell's Bells chiming. Although Metallica is far superior to AC (lightning blot) DC, both songs work for a closer.
I'm not really sure if other closers have their "theme songs" for when they enter the game. Some that come to mind that maybe should be are:
Kerry Wood - "Gasoline" by Audioslave because he's a god damn gas can
Carlos Marmol - "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith/Run DMC because he does not discriminate on walks
Jonathan Papelbon - "Bye, Bye, Bye" by *NSYNC because he knows how Lance Bass tastes
You see, it is that easy. But now to the crux of my post. Time to daydream that I am a bad motherfucker of a closer. I am like Kenny Powers. I throw the ball harder than fuck. When my team is up in the ninth, the other team knows that it is over. And the fans know it, too. But what would be my signature song. When I dead-sprint as fast as I can from the bullpen to the mound, what does the public address booth play for me? What is my "Wild Thing"? Oh, I should add that the "dead-sprint" is awesome although I would probably need to take 3 or 4 breaks before even getting to the infield dirt. So what is my jam? I'm glad you asked. There is some criteria though:
*it has to have some sort of sick guitar intro
*it has to have "audience sing-along" capabilities (which is why Enter Sandman is better than Hells Bells)
*99% of the time, it must be some sort of heavy metal with screaming encouraged; the "hairier" the metal, the better
It's that simple. My 5:
Grim Reaper - See You In Hell
This could possibly the worst song in the history of hair metal but the title alone screams "don't fuck with this guy". And that is what you want.
Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil
Satanic lyrics. Vince Neil's voice in it's prime. A chorus inviting the crowd to participate. It's a thing of beauty.
Ludacris - Area Codes
This would be hilarious. I'm running in from the 'pen and Ludacris is telling the world about all the ho's I have in different area codes. And I do. Check my stats.
Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade
Lofty fucking intro. Plenty of screaming. Rally 'round their family, pocket full of shells. I'm surprised that no one has used this one yet. It feels like it was written so that it would be used for a closer.
Danzig - Mother
I am completely fucking obsessed with this song. I've started packing shit for the move recently and I spent 45 minutes the other night trying to find my Danzig CD. It was time well spent. The opening jam is extremely dark and scary and then the lyrics are beautiful. If you want to find Hell with me, I can show you what it's like. Fucking Danzig! You don't see it anymore but if you did see someone jamming to Danzig, you would walk away from that person because you know in your mind that that person is a badass.
Now we all know that Drew would skip in from the bullpen at Comerica Park to "I Want It That Way", but I am curious to see what some of you metalheads and asswipes would have playing to get yourself and the fans jacked off/up. Enjoy another American League win tonight. Don't fool yourselves, NL fans, you are inferior in every way. MOTHERRRRRRRRRRR!!!