Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Exit Light, Enter Night

With the All Star Game happening tonight, how about a random baseball post today? I would talk about the Home Run Derby, but a.) it's fucking lame 2.) it hasn't changed since the first year that they did it c.) the celebrity softball game is MUCH better and 4.) Chris Berman's bloated liver just said "Nelson 'Sail Around The World' Cruz". Does that make any fucking sense at all. How about Chris "I'm rarely ever so"Berman. Get it. Because he has cirrhosis of the body and it's hilarious.

OK, onto today's topic (which I have waited probably over a year now so I feel that it's fair game to steal it from commenter Tony B.). One of the coolest things that I've ever seen at a baseball game was when I saw Mariano Rivera exit the bullpen in Yankee Stadium for the 9th inning and they crank the shit out of Enter Sandman. The ominous opening is perfect for a stud closer to take the mound to. Regardless of the fact that Mo likely doesn't know any other song by Metallica, it is still bad-fucking-ass. It is just one small event that I feel fortunate to have seen. I think it would also be sick to see Trevor Hoffman come in for a save with Hell's Bells chiming. Although Metallica is far superior to AC (lightning blot) DC, both songs work for a closer.

I'm not really sure if other closers have their "theme songs" for when they enter the game. Some that come to mind that maybe should be are:
Kerry Wood - "Gasoline" by Audioslave because he's a god damn gas can
Carlos Marmol - "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith/Run DMC because he does not discriminate on walks
Jonathan Papelbon - "Bye, Bye, Bye" by *NSYNC because he knows how Lance Bass tastes

You see, it is that easy. But now to the crux of my post. Time to daydream that I am a bad motherfucker of a closer. I am like Kenny Powers. I throw the ball harder than fuck. When my team is up in the ninth, the other team knows that it is over. And the fans know it, too. But what would be my signature song. When I dead-sprint as fast as I can from the bullpen to the mound, what does the public address booth play for me? What is my "Wild Thing"? Oh, I should add that the "dead-sprint" is awesome although I would probably need to take 3 or 4 breaks before even getting to the infield dirt. So what is my jam? I'm glad you asked. There is some criteria though:

*it has to have some sort of sick guitar intro
*it has to have "audience sing-along" capabilities (which is why Enter Sandman is better than Hells Bells)
*99% of the time, it must be some sort of heavy metal with screaming encouraged; the "hairier" the metal, the better

It's that simple. My 5:
Grim Reaper - See You In Hell
This could possibly the worst song in the history of hair metal but the title alone screams "don't fuck with this guy". And that is what you want.

Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil
Satanic lyrics. Vince Neil's voice in it's prime. A chorus inviting the crowd to participate. It's a thing of beauty.

Ludacris - Area Codes
This would be hilarious. I'm running in from the 'pen and Ludacris is telling the world about all the ho's I have in different area codes. And I do. Check my stats.

Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade
Lofty fucking intro. Plenty of screaming. Rally 'round their family, pocket full of shells. I'm surprised that no one has used this one yet. It feels like it was written so that it would be used for a closer.

Danzig - Mother
I am completely fucking obsessed with this song. I've started packing shit for the move recently and I spent 45 minutes the other night trying to find my Danzig CD. It was time well spent. The opening jam is extremely dark and scary and then the lyrics are beautiful. If you want to find Hell with me, I can show you what it's like. Fucking Danzig! You don't see it anymore but if you did see someone jamming to Danzig, you would walk away from that person because you know in your mind that that person is a badass.

Now we all know that Drew would skip in from the bullpen at Comerica Park to "I Want It That Way", but I am curious to see what some of you metalheads and asswipes would have playing to get yourself and the fans jacked off/up. Enjoy another American League win tonight. Don't fool yourselves, NL fans, you are inferior in every way. MOTHERRRRRRRRRRR!!!


Anonymous said...

You are so correct!

Brian Peppers

Anonymous said...

First things first...I'll be in Yankee Stadium this Saturday watching the Tigers beat up on Sabathia. I can't wait. I plan on walking out with both middle fingers raised, just like your boy Brock Lesnar.

As for my closer song. As much as I love rap, I don't think you can pick a rap song. If I did pick a rap song, it would be "Turn My Swag On" by Soulja Boy just because I think it would be hilarious.

My two real choices though...

Icky Thump -- The White Stripes
Bawitdaba -- Kid Rock


Upstate Underdog said...

First of all let me say that seeing Rivera come out to Enter Sandman is one of the sickest things I have witnessed as a sports fan, especially as a Yankees fan.

So many choices so I'll give you my top 5.

1. Hit the Lights - Metallica
cool drum intro that leads to kick ass guitar intro.

2. New Day Rising - Husker Du

3. Gift - Sugar

4. Kickstart My heart - Motley Crue

5. Wasted Years - Iron Maiden

GMoney said...

Easy with the Peppers call there...I plan on unleashing that on the world at a later date (when I'm done with the nightmares).

Drew, you will be destroyed. The White Stripes have a lot of songs that you could enter the game to.

UU, the Indians used to take the field to Kickstart My Heart...best thing they ever did.

J Beanie said...

Best enterance song ever: "Why can't we be friends" when Homer took on Drederick Tatum.

Anonymous said...

I'm a fan of 'sad but true'- metallica. The first drum hit after the short intro.

Jon Saul

Anonymous said...

Zumaya come out to Voodoo Chylde...I always enjoyed that song...great guitar, and it also used to be the entrance music for Hollywood Hulk Hogan......so you know you can't go wrong there.

Even as a Tiger fan, I wouold love to heard Rivera enter the game, just one time, to enter Sandman, or Hoffman to Hells Bells......


GMoney said...

Zumaya is a smart man for picking Hollywood Hogan's entrance music. I, personally, would have went with the Hulkster's Real American though.

Excellent reference, Beanie.

Jon, anything by Metallica works...especially For Whom The Bell Tolls which Heath Bell should be using.

Tony B. said...

I looked back on my old post and I had "Hysteria" by Muse as my #1 suggestion- and I still like that pick. It's hard to beat Danzig though!

Anonymous said...

Respect -- Pantera

-Lil' Strut

Jeff said...

Bodies - Drowning Pool

Jeff said...

Or Du Hast - Rammstein

Mr. Ace said...

Heavy Metal is for fags and d-bags. Another good Ludacris one would be "Move bitch, get out the way."

My personal favorite would be LL cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out". That would be fucking awesome, especially if you went head hunting a la Bobby Jenks.

J Beanie said...

I think Bob Wickman used Meatloaf's "Two out of Three Ain't Bad."

GMoney said...

I think Bob Wickman came into games eating meat loaf. That wasn't chaw in his cheek.

Sabotage by the Beastie Boys would be an interesting selection...especially if you had an awesome mustache like Rod Beck.

Jeff, Rammstein sucks balls. Good call on Drowning Pool though.

Anonymous said...

When Smoltz was a closer - he used to use "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC.

Anonymous said...

It is so late that I am sure no one will read this. But, thoroughly enjoyed the Pantera reference.

It reminded me of a certain someone who went trick or treating as Phil from Pantera.


GMoney said...

Who are you?

I'm Phil from Pantera!!!