Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Would You Like A Fresh Tampon, Sir?

Good Lord, we've got some big time pussies in the news. I can't believe that I forgot to mention this yesterday, but there are two current news events taking place that make professional athletes seem like the sandiest vaginas in the world. Don't whine to the media. Don't just assume that you were being disrepected. Don't get all butt-hurt when someone mentions how tired your schtick is. Just do what any grown man would do...the next time you play against that team/person, you try to hurt them/him. Let's discuss these two examples of titanic douchebaggery:

1.) Francisco Rodriguez
OK, so during this past weekend's Subway Series, there was an incident involving K-Rod and Brian Bruney. After the Luis Castillo dropped can of corn, BB mentioned something like "it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person". He followed that up by saying that his opinion doesn't matter because K-Rod probably doesn't even know his name, but the sentiment made it into the other clubhouse. Bruney announced to the world that K-Rod's nightly mound celebrations were bush league and that he needs to have more things like the dropped pop-up happen to him. Look, I think that we can all agree that K-Rod is a fucking asshole on the mound. Sure, you can say that I'm being a hypocrite about this considering my love for Joba and his gyrations. But there is one big difference in this that I use for my defense. K-Rod has done this before. Joba hasn't. He's still trying to learn how to keep his emotions in check. It's not an excuse at all. I know that he can overexaggerate sometimes but, usually, it's just a fist-pump and maybe a scream. Rodriguez still dances around the mound after a save like he's Frank fucking Drebin! He saved 60+ games last year (with a pretty average 2.25 ERA by the way), he should know better. And if he does get criticized, he's been around long enough to let it roll off his back. Not K-Rod. He tries to get all up in Bruney's face during batting practice before the game on Sunday. Keep in mind, Bruney was REHAB-ING at the time. Come on, you fag. Nothing that Bruney said was wrong. He does behave like a spoiled little bitch on the mound. If you don't want to be besmirched, then don't act like a jackass. It's common sense. Biblical lesson alert! Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. There is no way that I got that right but the same applies to this situation. Stop acting like a cuntfart on the hill and maybe your peers will stop calling you a sack of shit. Common sense, right?

2.) The Detroit Red Wings and their fans
There are probably 2 or 3 of you here that know and understand the traditions involved in the NHL. I know that I don't. Except for booing Gary Bettman, I don't know anything. And I doubt that the Blue Jackets will be helping me learn these intricacies any time soon. So after the Pens won their first cup in 17 years...on enemy soil...in the first road team game seven win in the NHL in 38 years; apparently Sidney Crosby was whistled for a handshake shot clock violation. A couple of pussies named Draper and Zetterburg are upset because the captains of both teams are supposed to shake hands soon after the final horn and The Kid took a little too long. They found it disrespectful. To that I make the biggest wanking motion that I could possibly make. Fuck you. I find it hard to believe that Crosby displayed any intent at all to be a sore winner. I watched the celebration. There was only jubilation on his face, no malice. As I said before, it was a freaking monumental win in one of the better Stanley Cup Finals in recent memory. Can't we at least give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, it was OK that the future of the league was allowed to celebrate with his teammates just a little bit longer than the 30 seconds that Nicklas Lidstrom allowed? Honestly, if this happened in Pittsburgh, this would not even be an issue. But since the Wings embarrassed themselves and their fans at home, they want to take the spotlight off of them somehow. Mission accomplished, I guess. And before you bring LeBron and his handshake into this mix, did you see anyone on the Magic or Lakers shake hands on Sunday night. Of course not. Not publicly at least. So back off on that. Basically, what this all boils down for me is that if you don't want to feel as though you have been disrespected, then just fucking win and you can show everyone how it's done. But since you didn't, enjoy the new traditions in the league where teams are allowed to celebrate a bit longer and you have to fucking watch until they are ready to shake your hands. You fucking losers.

The fans that have been blowing up the sports talk radio down here bitching and moaning about how Sid has no class, well fuck you, too. What shows less class anyway: being late to a handshake or questioning the character of a guy that just beat my team? Fucking hypocrites.

Jesus Christ, are athletes a bunch of pink tacos or what? I should run a class in which I teach professional athletes how to behave. I would call it, "Quit Being A Faggot 559". It's a grad-school level class and I would charge $5,000 per session. These guys are athletes which means that they are idiots. I could clean up on this.


Anonymous said...

Fuck Bruney.

Fuck Crosby.

When you get a chance today, look up Artie Lange on Joe Buck's premiere show last night on YouTube. He basically turned it into a roast of Joe Buck...Buck gets really flustered and starts telling him he is ruining his show...Artie also starts making fun of "Tony Homo". It's hilarious.


GMoney said...

Hey, fuckers, my guest post at The Big Picture is up.


Tony B. said...

Athletes today are more prideful (maybe sensitive is the correct word) with less idea about what it takes to win. When someone is on the losing end of things now, they try to think up some excuse as to why the other team has no class. Hopefully if they were just involved in a highly competitive series or game, they would actually grow to hate the other team, but there's no reason to bring out bullshit excuses after you lose. Bottom line is- the winners don't give a shit if you are a sore loser because they are to busy celebrating.

Grumpy said...

I just won Game 7 of the Stanley Cup on your ice. And you're pissed I didn't stop to shake hands in what you consider a timely fashion? You know what? Fuck you. We're not exchanging Christmas cards anytime soon so be a man and get over it.

Mr. Ace said...


GMoney said...

Grumpy, check your fucking email...I need your address to send you those DVD's. He's the only one of you commenters yet to try and rape me so he wins.

Upstate Underdog said...

Whoa, what dvd's? I want to win something.