Monday, June 08, 2009
As I mentioned on Friday, I went back to my hometown for my ten year high school reunion this past weekend. Now, in order to take part in this mediocre event, I had to give up my free clubhouse pass to The Memorial up in Dublin. I had went the past two years so, you know, no big deal. I don't know if you watched any of the final round yesterday, but I will NEVER make that mistake again. I will never be skipping out on this tournament again. Sorry, Golden Bear, please forgive me. I didn't really want to go to the reunion anyway and you punished me for my poor choice with one of the most amazing finishes to a golf tournament that I have seen in my brief time of watching golf on TV. Let me kind of give you a breakdown as far as what I did this weekend compared to what I could have done.
Saturday is usually the day that I would have headed up to Muirfield for a day of sitting on the 17th green, drinking LaBatt's, calling golfers by the wrong name, making my allergies go insane, and develop an awful sunburn. Instead, I helped my future mother-in-law make snacks for the reunion (awful), sat in the basement of an Elks Lodge trying to avoid conversations with half of the people in attendance (challenging), not being able to get drunk due to the extreme shitfacedness that I achieved the night before (frustrating), and, of course, seeing a male stripper perform his craft at Rick's (really, really funny). After the reunion thankfully closed up shop, we made the trek to the lone bar in town and there was a bachelorette party going on (which is very pathetic). All of a sudden, here comes Officer Hardbody or whatever his name was out to completely degrade and humiliate the poor girl. Thankfully, the "officer" kept his sword sheathed but I found this absolutely hilarious. I overheard the bachelorette say later, "he made me rub oil on him and then I had to grind on his cock!" Fantastic. Rick's Sports Bar at it's finest. Oh, and Tiger Woods made his charge in the afternoon while Geoff Ogilvy broke the course record. So far, I can live with missing the golf. Barely. Golden Bearly.
Yesterday started out with a baptism. As I'm walking into the church, the hottest bartender in Columbus (who smartly ditched the reunion) calls and tells me that he has an extra ticket and they will wait for me if I'm already in Lima. Obviously, I have to pass. I sit through the ceremony thinking that I can stump the priest with this doozy: If child birth is considered a miracle then why does God not recognize the child until it is baptized? Huh? Look at me, all philosophical and whatnot. I was given an answer from a friend that seemed plausible but I don't know shit so he could have just said it so that I would stop talking to him. Naptown Wolverine and I could have easily eaten 40 hot chicken sandwiches a piece but maintained. Gluttony is a sin, you know. So I drive back to Columbus and get home right as Tiger is on 12. He's either a shot or two off of a strong leaderboard and at least I can watch the final 90 minutes of the tournament and pray that nothing amazing happens.
Tiger made me pay for my poor decision making by unleashing an insanely awesome finish to win his 4th Memorial title. Dude goes birdie-birdie on the final two holes to win by a stroke over Gentleman Jim Furyk. Come on, man, what Tiger does should be illegal. He is just too good. I live about ten minutes from the tournament site and I bet that if I went outside, I could hear the roars from the gallery. He hit his approach on 18 within 14 inches of the cup...from 183 YARDS! It was like Shaun Micheel's PGA winning shot from a few years ago except that Micheel sucks and Woods is the cat's pajamas. Tiger Woods, fuck the world. And the best part about that shot?
I decided to hang out with people that I don't really care about anymore, watch a male stripper (Damman got the guy's business card, by the way...I am not making that up), and see a baptism instead. Fuck me. Fuck me running. I'm like the white Pacman Jones when it comes to making good decisions. Never again, Tiger. I will never stand you up again. Now if you don't mind, I've got some shotgun swallowing to do.