Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Your Weekly Genetics Lesson

I know nothing about cars. The only things that I can comprehend are when I need gas, when my trunk is open, and when the sticker on my windshield says that I need an oil change. That is about it. Oh, and sometimes I can work the CD player, too. I'm a real wizard when it comes to automobiles. But, my future father-in-law does know plenty about this subject. And on August 1st, all of the information on car care will be passed on down to me just by saying "I do". I will be a top-notch mechanic in less than 3 months. Or at least that is what world-reknowned Genealogy expert, Dr. Roger Clemens, would like me to believe. And why shouldn't I believe him? He's clearly a MENSA member.

Some of you probably already saw this and if you haven't, get ready to feel better about your own mental faculties. The Red Rocket was on Mike and Mike yesterday morning (they did NOT discuss leg waxing or the Jets, I'm told) and slipped in this well-thought missive:

"That’s exactly right. He’s never injected me with HGH or steroids. You know guys, let me just add to it. Common sense…our family has a history of heart conditions. My brother had a heart attack in his late 40’s, my step-dad died of a heart attack. I mean it would be suicidal for me to think about even taking any of these dangerous drugs. It goes against what I talk about to kids (when I have a chance to talk to kids) of all ages about it. It’s really disheartening. I don’t want to say I have to put my guard up more around people because I’m not that type of person…I’m an outgoing person.”

Huh. I was completely unaware that you could marry into someone else's genetics. Dr. Clemens' step-dad must have some extremely powerful and contagious chromosomes if they are jumping over to another man's son. Fuck Swine Flu...we need to be more worried about this horrible pandemic of "Flying Genes". I don't want to be standing next to a retarded person at some point in the future and them rubbing all of their disabilities on me. That would not be cool at all. I've got a mindless job already, I don't want to sort glass for a living. Even I know that that is a bad career move.

You see, this is why we need to round up all of the idiots in the world and make them live in Australia or something. Think about it: you take all of the pedophiles, wife beaters, Clemens family, UFC fans, people that ride the elevator for only one floor, and many other dickheads and send them off into exile forever. They would be too dumb to figure out how to get off anyway. They could police themselves and hopefully within a decade, they would wipe each other off the face of the Earth. And then we could all live in peace without the fear of stupidity in our lives. What a utopia that would be...

Let's shift from Clemens the free thinker back to Clemens the liar. The more and more that this drags on, the more and more I think that he could be innocent. I mean, this guy is sooooooooo fucking stupid. There is no way that he is capable of upholding a lie for a year. It's impossible. For God's sake, the guy thinks that his step-dad is a genetic match with him AND he hired a guy named RUSTY to be his lawyer! Sly and crafty people would not do these things. A man this dumb could never handle the rigors of a steroids cycle. I guess that is probably where Brian McNamee came in to play.

Well, now everything is making sense. The man was simply just too moronic to know when to inject himself and he had to hire an assistant to keep track of it for him. How has the government not mandated Clemens to wear a helmet and water wings 24/7? Oh that's right, he lives in Texas. It's amazing how things have come full circle.

Now where's my hammer and screwdriver (my only tools)'s time for me to put a new engine into Damman's piece of shit car. Don't worry...I'm an expert. At least I will be soon.


Anonymous said...

I also thought the part when he said that his wife used HGH but he didn't was priceless.

This guy is a dirt bag along the lines of Jose Canseco. Heck, Jose Canseco actually lied for him and tried to protect him. That's red flag right there. He's so guilty it's not even funny.

The Oldsmobile still has a lot of life left in her so you can put your screwdriver away.


Dustin said...

Why would he do an interview for mike and mike? Does anyone listen to that show anymore? Usually its on when I start my car, but I quickly turn it to 97.9 and listen to some gangsta shit so I can wake up and not listen to the same terrible jokes every day. Is there another sports talk radio morning show in columbus? Columbus replaced my boy Collin cowherd... Its time they do the same to mike and mike.

GMoney said...

Sad news that the uncle of the Wig Master (and fan of this blog) passed away last night. Rest in peace, Linker.

Mr. Ace said...

Word, R.I.P. Link.

Colin Cowherd is a fag, just like mike, mike and clemens.