Friday, May 22, 2009

Look Who's Back


I think you will all agree that you enjoy baseball season the most when the Yankees are underachieving. People are constantly calling for the manager's head. Our high-priced players are sucking. It's great, right? Well, gentlemen, please enjoy this massive slice of "blow me" pie while I grab my junk and make suggestive references about your mothers. Because this feels really fucking good right now. The Yankees have now won 9 in a row and all of the doubters from a few weeks ago now are changing their tune (Steve Phillips) and saying that the Bombers are legit World Series contenders (they always have been).

Of course, I knew this all along. But whatever. The starting pitching has gotten right. Have you seen what CC has done the past 5 starts? Domination. Like he did with the Brewers but in a much better league now. They just keep cranking out quality start after quality start. And although Chamberlain went down last night and who knows how long "Mark Prior, Jr." is going to be out, it appears that Wang has figured his shit out and is ready to come back. I'm not holding my breath on that one but at least Phil Hughes has been decent.

The bullpen still blows. Even Mariano has been shaky having served up 6 dongs already this season. Phil Coke has been a pleasant surprise and Brian Bruney is back in his role as 8th inning ass-kicker. I'm really digging Alfredo Aceves. They guy is awesome. He should have made the roster after Spring Training. Jonathan Albaladejo, even with the hardest last name to pronounce ever, needs to be taken out back and shot.

But how about that offense? People like to say that the new Yankee Stadium is a "bandbox". What the fuck does that mean exactly? What is a bandbox? Whatever. As idiots like to say, "it is what it is" and the Yankees know how to hit there. I attribute this all to the return of A-Rod. Sure, he's hitting under .200 but his presence alone in the lineup has apparently gotten everyone going. Johnny Damon might be the MVP of the league through the first quarter of the season. Melky Cabrera has been shockingly awesome.

Let's not forget about the impact of Nick Swisher either. By the way, am I making you puke yet? The team actually looks like they are having fun this year and it's largely due to Swish and Burnett. AJ's throwing pies in people's faces like he's Krusty The Clown. Swish has a mohawk now reminiscent of Don Mattingly's hair in The Simpsons softball episode. Brett Gardner is promising and hitting home runs for little kids in the hospital. They are holding a "kangaroo court" in the clubhouse before games where Mariano is the judge and Jeter, AJ, and Pettitte serve as the jury. I have no idea what a kangaroo court is but I assume that it's awesome. Is it like a Friar's club roast? I wouldn't fuck A-Rod with Madonna's dick. A lot can be said about team chemistry (look at the Cavs) and it appears that the Yankees have it this season and we're starting to see it play out on the field. Great start...lofty start.

Personally, other than A-Rod, I think that the Yankees are a very likeable team. There are no bad guys on the team (like Sheffield) and at least Alex is banging Kate Hudson now. She's not hot but at least she isn't eligible for an AARP card or a tranny. So he's got that going for him. But before I end this post that is sickening to almost all of you, how about a little nonsense from John Sterling?

Sterling is the asshole that broadcasts the games on the radio and does the "Yankees win, the-uh-uh-uh-uh YANKEES WINNNNN!" thing. He sucks at life. And his personalized home run calls are even worse. Allow me to explain:
An A-BOMB...from A-Rod!!!
A Swisher Sweet!
(For Jeter) EL CAPITAN!
And Georgie JUICES ONE!
A TEIX MESSAGE!--this one is the worst
Robbie Cano...DON'T CHA KNOW!
and, of course...
YOU'RE ON THE MARK..............TEIXEIRA!--that is so awful
I can't wait for him to embarrass himself with a "FRANCISCO CERVELLI STROMBOLI"!!!

The Yankees spend so much money on the on-field product yet have the worst announcers on the planet. I hate them so much. I don't get it. This weekend we get to put the defending champs in their place. The Yankees are not going to lose the rest of the season. Suck it. World Series, bitches.

32 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Wait until Posada gets back in the line-up and if Wang can get back to form watch the fuck out.

G$, you forgot "The Melk-man delivers" God I hate John Sterling.

GMoney said...

I just read that Joba expects to make his next start.

UU, what is his call for Johnny Damon. I feel like I've heard it before. Is it "Johnny on the spot"?

Upstate Underdog said...

G$, yes he has used "Johnny on the spot" and he has also used "Simply Damon-ic" because I guess it sounds like demonic.

I need to get off my ass and get to the new stadium.

Dustin said...

Posts like this will make it all the better when the tigers knock your ass out of the playoffs again. And I hope you're kidding about jonny Damon and that MVP award.

GMoney said...

Dude, Damon has single-handedly won them about 8 games already.

I'm soooo terrified of Clete Thomas. How will I sleep tonight thinking about that stud? Oh, I'm going to drink 16 beers at Rick's...that will help.

Dustin said...

For some reason, beers ar ricks sounds great this weekend! Along with about 36 holes of golf at Napoleon municipal! You should be terrified of clete Thomas. Isn't it amazing how much better a team can get when you pay gary Sheffield to go away??

Anonymous said...

I think it's cute how excited Tigers fans are getting. Dut, I know the Indians suck so you can save your lame response. But, if by some chance the Tigers make the playoffs they will be an easy first round exit. Guaranteed.

Mike Fouty could hit home runs in new Yankee Stadium. The place is a joke. How many of Damon's home runs have been first row 310 ft home runs?

-Damman

GMoney said...

To be fair, Mike Fouty could hit a ball out anywhere.

I Need Money said...

they're on a nice little streak right now

Dustin said...

Damman- you're in denial! The tigers have a great starting rotation, solid bullpen, and a lineup that should get better when maggs and guillen come back. Enjoy the basement for the rest of the season!

Mr. Ace said...

Club Rick's is sure to be extra trashy this weekend, especially with you d bags stinking up the place.

I setting the over/under at 13.5 for 250 pound skanks with thongs hanging out that Dustin grinds on this weekend.

Anonymous said...

hey dumb fuck, just so you know, after all this bullshit talk, you still arent even leading your division.

Seal

Anonymous said...

and damon for MVP?? are you fucking kidding me? the guy has THE worst arm in baseball, hands down. He is one of the top 5 worst outfielders in the bigs.

GMoney said...

Didn't realize that "arm strength" was a big decider in the MVP voting. I'm just saying, the guy has been great through 25% of the season.

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