Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Well, my high school baseball umpiring season came to an end last Saturday. Sure, I'll do some things this Summer to pick up some cash and showcase my bad-ass, don't-fuck-with-me attitude, but it will not be sanctioned by the OHSAA (which will make me even more of a renegade). One thing that I keep seeing in my trevails in high school baseball is that about 90% of the coaches are idiots. Yes, there is a small section of the informed, but it's very, very small. And while many of you don't realize this, eventually, you will volunteer to coach a baseball team at some level whether it's your kid's team or court-ordered. Allow me to introduce you to 8 types of coaches that you should avoid becoming at all costs. Wow, the second "research" project for this blog in three weeks! Onto the douchebags:
Captain Cliche - This guy is beyond fucking annoying. He continuously spouts out the same old generic and basic statements. For example: "two strikes, choke up on the bat and put it in play", "chest over knee", and "you aren't forced to go to third if the ball is put in play". This guy thinks that he knows everything about the game but chances are mighty fine that his limited knowledge of the game comes from John Kruk on the Baseball Tonight demonstration field. You suck, dickbag. I get it already, you want your guy to take a secondary lead off of second base. You don't need to say it after every pitch.
Sammy Signs - This fella runs through an elongated set of signs no matter what the situation. On Saturday, I had an ass coaching third, his team had the bases loaded with 2 outs and a 2-2 count on the hitter, and he went through a minute's worth of signals. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE PUTTING ON IN THAT SITUATION! Hit the ball? I had to end this charade and tell the batter to get in the fucking box. I can tell you exactly what you are supposed to do, buddy, put the fucking ball in play. I hate coaches that feel the need to showcase their sign-giving abilities even in the most mundane situations. When no one is one base and your cleanup hitter is batting, give the signs a rest, queer.
Gary The Gambler - This genius is one of those guys that will try to steal bases when his team is down by 5 runs in the last inning. Guess what, skipper, the other team (the one that is actually going to win the game) doesn't give a shit about that baserunner. Does it really matter if you lose 6-2 instead of 6-1? Of course not, BUT YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT!!! Maybe if we get that guy to second base, they will make that run worth twelve runs!
Stevey Strike Zone - I hate this guy. Look, fucker, you do not have a better angle than I do. If it was a God damn strike, I would have called it a strike. I don't get paid by the hour so why would I purposely drag this fucking awful game on. Nothing pisses me off more than a coach asking, "Where was that pitch, blue" from the dugout. NOT IN THE STRIKE ZONE WAS WHERE IT WAS. I got into it a bit with a coach trying to pull this shit on Saturday who didn't understand (because he was an idiot) that doing this shows up the umpire which is the biggest no-no in the business. If Stevey is really worried about where that pitch was that was actually 9 inches outside, ask your catcher. He'll tell you. My only ejection in my umpiring career was because of a Stevey-like character. You never forget your first one. I still get wood just thinking about sending that fucker home early.
Johnny Small Ball - I end up doing a few JV games over the Spring and it always kills me when coaches are bunting runners over in the first inning. These games don't matter. They are only there to see which of your young kids work hard and keep improving. You don't get a trophy for going undefeated in JV baseball. Let the fucking kids hit. I played half of a season of JV baseball and I don't even remember any single one of those games. Get over it and let the kids play. It's how they get better and can contribute to the varsity team eventually.
Otis the Over-Teacher - This guy is just flat-out annoying. He calls defensive conferences at the mound to discuss defensive strategies in the 4th inning and he's complimenting his hitters on their weight shifting. He really is unnecessary and quite the douchebag. You don't HAVE to announce to everyone in attendance that your clean-up hitter is dropping his shoulder. Just take it easy...we get it already, you know what you're talking about. Chances are mighty good that you are only developing bad habits for your guys due to your own lack of knowledge anyway.
Assistant Asshole - The first rule of umpiring, may not be this, but it should be. An assistant coach is NEVER allowed to argue with you. As soon as they say a word, they should be dumped. I don't really get where they think that they can shoot off at the mouth anyway. Chances are that they are volunteers. Because you don't get paid, you are allowed to question an umpire's judgement? Fuck that. Your only role is to make sure your baserunners don't get picked off. It really is that easy. A chimp could it. Now shut your shitbox up and don't you dare even look at me the wrong way.
Mikey the Micro-Manager - This guy always kills me. Say the leadoff hitter gets a basehit to right. The next time up, Mikey will be shifting his defense around assuming that right field is the only place that that hitter can hit to. He's moving his RF closer to the line. He wants his CF to move two steps to the left. He's got a shift on in the infield. And of course, these moves never work. But it is always humorous to see these well-laid plans get stuck up Mikey's well-laid ass. Most high school kids have no idea where they are hitting the ball. They all want to be pull hitters and, most of the time, any hit to the opposite field was pure luck. You should know this, coach.
Here's my advice and this comes from an amateur umpire...relax. Don't be the red-ass that gets made fun of behind his back by 15-18 year old kids. Don't be that guy who argues calls in the midst of a 10-1 JV game. Don't be the guy that demeans your players publicly when they make mistakes. These are teenage kids...they are going to make errors. And unless coaching is part of your job and a source of income, remember that it is just a fucking game. Calm down, pricks. Coaches are fucking morons.