Wednesday, May 06, 2009

How To Recognize A Bad High School Baseball Coach


Well, my high school baseball umpiring season came to an end last Saturday. Sure, I'll do some things this Summer to pick up some cash and showcase my bad-ass, don't-fuck-with-me attitude, but it will not be sanctioned by the OHSAA (which will make me even more of a renegade). One thing that I keep seeing in my trevails in high school baseball is that about 90% of the coaches are idiots. Yes, there is a small section of the informed, but it's very, very small. And while many of you don't realize this, eventually, you will volunteer to coach a baseball team at some level whether it's your kid's team or court-ordered. Allow me to introduce you to 8 types of coaches that you should avoid becoming at all costs. Wow, the second "research" project for this blog in three weeks! Onto the douchebags:

Captain Cliche - This guy is beyond fucking annoying. He continuously spouts out the same old generic and basic statements. For example: "two strikes, choke up on the bat and put it in play", "chest over knee", and "you aren't forced to go to third if the ball is put in play". This guy thinks that he knows everything about the game but chances are mighty fine that his limited knowledge of the game comes from John Kruk on the Baseball Tonight demonstration field. You suck, dickbag. I get it already, you want your guy to take a secondary lead off of second base. You don't need to say it after every pitch.

Sammy Signs - This fella runs through an elongated set of signs no matter what the situation. On Saturday, I had an ass coaching third, his team had the bases loaded with 2 outs and a 2-2 count on the hitter, and he went through a minute's worth of signals. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE PUTTING ON IN THAT SITUATION! Hit the ball? I had to end this charade and tell the batter to get in the fucking box. I can tell you exactly what you are supposed to do, buddy, put the fucking ball in play. I hate coaches that feel the need to showcase their sign-giving abilities even in the most mundane situations. When no one is one base and your cleanup hitter is batting, give the signs a rest, queer.

Gary The Gambler - This genius is one of those guys that will try to steal bases when his team is down by 5 runs in the last inning. Guess what, skipper, the other team (the one that is actually going to win the game) doesn't give a shit about that baserunner. Does it really matter if you lose 6-2 instead of 6-1? Of course not, BUT YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT!!! Maybe if we get that guy to second base, they will make that run worth twelve runs!

Stevey Strike Zone - I hate this guy. Look, fucker, you do not have a better angle than I do. If it was a God damn strike, I would have called it a strike. I don't get paid by the hour so why would I purposely drag this fucking awful game on. Nothing pisses me off more than a coach asking, "Where was that pitch, blue" from the dugout. NOT IN THE STRIKE ZONE WAS WHERE IT WAS. I got into it a bit with a coach trying to pull this shit on Saturday who didn't understand (because he was an idiot) that doing this shows up the umpire which is the biggest no-no in the business. If Stevey is really worried about where that pitch was that was actually 9 inches outside, ask your catcher. He'll tell you. My only ejection in my umpiring career was because of a Stevey-like character. You never forget your first one. I still get wood just thinking about sending that fucker home early.

Johnny Small Ball - I end up doing a few JV games over the Spring and it always kills me when coaches are bunting runners over in the first inning. These games don't matter. They are only there to see which of your young kids work hard and keep improving. You don't get a trophy for going undefeated in JV baseball. Let the fucking kids hit. I played half of a season of JV baseball and I don't even remember any single one of those games. Get over it and let the kids play. It's how they get better and can contribute to the varsity team eventually.

Otis the Over-Teacher - This guy is just flat-out annoying. He calls defensive conferences at the mound to discuss defensive strategies in the 4th inning and he's complimenting his hitters on their weight shifting. He really is unnecessary and quite the douchebag. You don't HAVE to announce to everyone in attendance that your clean-up hitter is dropping his shoulder. Just take it easy...we get it already, you know what you're talking about. Chances are mighty good that you are only developing bad habits for your guys due to your own lack of knowledge anyway.

Assistant Asshole - The first rule of umpiring, may not be this, but it should be. An assistant coach is NEVER allowed to argue with you. As soon as they say a word, they should be dumped. I don't really get where they think that they can shoot off at the mouth anyway. Chances are that they are volunteers. Because you don't get paid, you are allowed to question an umpire's judgement? Fuck that. Your only role is to make sure your baserunners don't get picked off. It really is that easy. A chimp could it. Now shut your shitbox up and don't you dare even look at me the wrong way.

Mikey the Micro-Manager - This guy always kills me. Say the leadoff hitter gets a basehit to right. The next time up, Mikey will be shifting his defense around assuming that right field is the only place that that hitter can hit to. He's moving his RF closer to the line. He wants his CF to move two steps to the left. He's got a shift on in the infield. And of course, these moves never work. But it is always humorous to see these well-laid plans get stuck up Mikey's well-laid ass. Most high school kids have no idea where they are hitting the ball. They all want to be pull hitters and, most of the time, any hit to the opposite field was pure luck. You should know this, coach.

Here's my advice and this comes from an amateur umpire...relax. Don't be the red-ass that gets made fun of behind his back by 15-18 year old kids. Don't be that guy who argues calls in the midst of a 10-1 JV game. Don't be the guy that demeans your players publicly when they make mistakes. These are teenage kids...they are going to make errors. And unless coaching is part of your job and a source of income, remember that it is just a fucking game. Calm down, pricks. Coaches are fucking morons.

22 comments:

Tony B. said...

Many of these work for basketball coaches as well and it's giving me flashbacks of reffing spring JV and Filipino leagues. Shit, that was awful.

GMoney said...

Filipino leagues? Ouch, that sounds awful.

By the way, the use of a Dusty Baker pic was not a coincidence.

Mr. Ace said...

I don't have experience dealing with douche bag coaches, but I do have experience dealing with douche bag parents. Helping out at a spring basketball league we encounter fucktard parents that want a foul called on every rebound and a travel called every time a kid pump fakes and drives to the basket. Its unbelievable. We have actually had to stop in the middle of the game just to tell parents to shut the fuck up.

Just accept it people, your kid is fucking terrible.

I imagine the worst has to be coaches that have a kid on the team.

Anonymous said...

Working basketball games is no picnic either G$......

I love it when a coach is literally 65-75 feet from the play, on the bench on the other end of the court, opposite the scorers table, and this jack-off thinks he has the better angle, to see a foul that I had just called, two feet in front of me......

I would have thought you of all people, with your family pedigree in the officiating business, would have sectionals, districts, or regionals coming up.......

Enjoy your "un-sanctioned" summer money :).........TOBY!!!! (Friends reference from a blog a few weeks ago)

--LWM

Clarkster said...

I used to be an umpire back in the day and one of my personal favorites is when there's a kid named drew on the team. everytime the coach yells his name it sounds like he's yelng blue.

GMoney said...

LWM, due to my work schedule that sucks, I can only work weekend games. I wish that I could do more but at right now I'm stuck.

Anonymous said...

Ok,
Yeah, I umpire baseball and softball games, and do basketball too. I am printing this out and handing it to every coach I have a problem with. Love it.

I remember the 1st coach I tossed, in basketball. He was livid. The next year, he was the AD for that district. Yeah, it was fun when I went back to his school.

And if you think JV baseball is bad, do a JV softball game. These girls can't walk a line, and yet the coach wants to argue everything there too. God, I hate Califonia people. It was so much better back in Ohio. And to top it off, the last softball game I did, the starting pitcher is going D1 in a full ride, and wanted to kill me for not giving a pitch way outside. I wanted so bad to throw a bat at her head. Thanks G$

-M

Anonymous said...

The only thing worse than a 'douchebag' coach or parent is a 'douchebag' umpire who thinks he knows everything. Arrogant fuck. If you could relate in any way with anybody you might be able to be a coach or a parent.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical!!! Everybody (including me) thinks they know more than everybody else. That said, I need to add one more "Bad Coach Category"...that's the one we have, the "I'm a really insecure guy who has an otherwise lousy life, so I'll take it out on my high school players". Our guy handed out a sheet of his batting signs to the parents before the game yesterday so we'd work on them at home with our kids. Wow, I don't even do that for my LL team. I thought the five weeks of practice would suffice, but I guess not. Then he threw a tantrum after some lousy pre-game warm-ups yesterday. Benched five vets. Refused to adjust defenses or call pitches the entire game...just stood there and yelled at the kids as they came off the field. Allowed his starting pitcher to give up 8 runs in the first and never went to the mound. Then pulled him after two innings, behind 11-0. Then sacrificed another kid on the mound who has a broken big toe (my kid!!! 8 more runs in the third). Then yelled at the two pitchers for "not wanting it enough...I thought you were better". Yelled at another two kids after the game for wearing white spikes: "your shoes need to be all black". Thanks for letting us know over a month after the season starts. Then he got fixated on why kids weren't wearing their stirrups right. I guess he's trying to control teenagers in his own sad pathetic way. It'll be a long season.
To the ump that wrote the initial post, I hated to see myself in all the things you said. We're trying to do our best and sometimes just lose perspective. But I agree that there are more bad coaches than good. As a parent, I want my kids to learn the fundamentals, be put in the right positions on the field to be successful, have good practices, have coaches that can manage a game, try their best and strive to win, not get too high or too low, and be gracious with the umps, players, coaches, and fans, win or lose. I've not seen it yet.

Anonymous said...

I think you forgot Scotty the Shouter. No matter what happens, he always screams at the team that they didn't do this correctly or that correctly. Typically refuses to identify players (that he dislikes) by their first names.

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Anonymous said...

sounds like some one REALLY hurt your feelings. I hope you get over it some day.

Anonymous said...

Coach Eddie Blassingame from Davidson H.S faked my baseball stats and others stats for college scholarship's. Alabama is the worst baseball state in the country. Made up for schools like Mississippi State which is why I didn't take it. That's a sign of a bad coach.

Anonymous said...

When your H.S and college coach says racist NXGXR jokes at the park and in the dug-out that's a sign of a bad coach. Then shuts up when the minority is around. When your coach starts the .095 and .025 hitters that's a sign of a bad coach.

Anonymous said...

Baseball is a game for white trash and garbage. A game for the un-educated and drug addicts.

Anonymous said...

You can easily recognize a bad coach when he coaches for 30 years and doesn't take batting practice, warm-up or stretch with the team. When he's fat, over weight and can barely walk. That's a sign of a bad coach. Playing scrubs, that's a bad coach.

Anonymous said...

i bet you're short.

Anonymous said...

You umpire jv, wow, i cant believe I wasted 10 mins reading the ramblings of a guy who cant even catch a real game.

Anonymous said...


Some of these descriptions are adequate, and some are completely assinine.

JV is meant for developing ball players, not just to run out a lineup and see who can try to crank on 72mph pitching. Anyone who doesn't see the value in JV fundamentals is a complete toolshed.

The only thing worse than parents who are completely clueless about their kids' ability level is a walking hardon umpire who has an agenda that his concept of how the game should be played usurps a program's ability to coach their kid. I don't give a crap if you don't like bunting to having a meeting to explain a teachable moment with kids. You're still getting paid, do your job and shut your mouth. You get paid to umpire the game, not pass judgement on how to develop kids.

Granted my program has won 5 straight varsity district titles and the state championship this year by teaching kids the entirety of the game and not appeasing umpires like you who apparently have more knowledge about developing young men than my staff. That being said, we certainly appreciate umpires who are impartial and see their job as the game itself, as opposed to condescension towards the people who are signing your paycheck.

All that aside, some of the other descriptions were right on.

Anonymous said...

If you had to go through the shit umps go through because of arrogant coaches like yourself I'm sure you'd have similar opinions. Thanks for including your program's resume in your comment so we know your someone that can be "trusted" to give opinions on a post that is mainly a parody. Go try coaching a college or pro team and see how the players respond to your pompous ass.

Anonymous said...

Dude you need to calm the fuck down. It's just a game.

hello said...

and this is why i hate fucking umpires and referees, 99.5% douchebags like this guy. just call the fucking game and shut the fuck up. and do it right without bias, which you obviously have.