Thursday, May 28, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Spiritual Ethics


I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. I've already ranted and raved about flowers, the DJ, groomsmen gifts, real estate, and who could forget my epic Bed Bath and Beyond tirade. It's been awhile but the feature is back...today I delve into the dicey realm of Spiritual Ethics.

OK. So She$ and I are getting ready to meet with the pastor who is performing our ceremony. Apparently, all couples have to do this (unless you elope...which you should...you should really elope). It's one of those situations that she tells me this and I brush it off with a "whatever, just tell me when and where to be and if I have to put on pants". But it's not that simple, you see. In fact, the meeting with your holy man might be the most scary part of the entire marriage process. Maybe I'm overreacting to this though.

She$ informs me that we have to fill out this packet of stuff for the pastor. Why? I don't really know. It's one of those things that makes no sense at all but since everyone does it, so do you. I guess it's like tipping a bartender more than spare change for getting you a bottle of Bud Light. He/she didn't really do anything but they want a 50-75% tip? But what happens...you oblige them like the pussies that you are. Anyway, this survey type thing starts off with all the normal shit that you would expect: your definition of marriage, what do you expect from your spouse, blah, blah, blah. Ironically, this was a really tough section for me because I have no idea what to expect and I just assume that my life will be exactly the same now except my bed space will be cut in half, someone will always do my laundry and cook my food, and I will never have to clean anything ever again. Who says that chivalry is dead?

But then this book of questions sort of goes off the deep end into a dimension that is both inappropriate and somewhat erotic. First comes two pages of questions about sex. And not just general shit, it feels like this book wants details. My favorite question was, "what sexual activities become off limits after marriage"? Hilarious. You all can finish that joke in your own deranged way. Keep in mind, these answers that we give are for a man of the cloth. Then there is a full page about the AIDS virus! AIDS! Seriously. In a marriage guidebook. But that's not all. Oh no, no survey would be complete without two pages of questions wondering if you or your spouse has a drug or alcohol problem! One of the questions asked if I ever felt the need for an "eye opener"! Priceless. And finally, this book wanted me to write down all of my financial information in some sort of weirdo budget thing which I did not do. These answers may be for God's eyes only...but I don't trust anybody with my limited bankroll.

So here is the problem: it's not cool to lie to a priest/pastor. We can all agree on this. But at the same time, if he asks me some of the shit that was in this book, he sure as shit isn't getting the truth. No one needs to know about my ample collection of Bridget the Midget tapes or my fantasy of getting railroaded by Darth Vader or the fact that whenever Gone In 60 Seconds is on TNT, I watch it. That shit is embarrassing. I barely want to admit this stuff to myself let alone other people. So how do I go about this? We are talking about the thinnest of fine lines to walk here.

I am thinking of being very brief with my answers. Yes's and no's and that's it. Kind of like what lawyers tell stupid people to do. Don't incriminate yourself. If he asks about donkey shows, for Christ sake, just say that you don't know what he's talking about. Anyone else got a suggestion here? Maybe I'm overthinking this and it's really not that bad. Where all my married fucks at?

One thing that I know is for sure...this pastor is going to hate me. Unless the priest just so happens to be Judas Priest. That would be cool. But I would probably get raped by Rob Halford. I'm your turbo lover, bitch.

27 comments:

Grumpy said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm going to cry. Lawyer up. NOW.

Anonymous said...

Just give general and vague answers and if he asks a closed-ended question, either respond with another question or play the ignorance card. Whatever you do, do not tell him that in that drawer next to your computer, where you keep your weed, underneath your gun there is a stack of porn that will put callouses on his holy hands.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

If I ever get married can I just write, "None of your business, because I'm an atheist" for every answer?

--Drew

GMoney said...

You could, but he may douse you in holy water. That shit is like acid. I didn't realize that you and Thom were getting serious???

LS, it is impossible for me to play the ignorance card. But maybe I can play the race card...

YOU ARE JUST ASKING THESE QUESTIONS BECAUSE I'M WHITE!!!

KPietsch said...

Wow, this was funny. It's a good way to start off my Thursday.

Mr. Ace said...

This pretty much sums up why I refuse to get married. The church can blow me, because you know they want to anyways. If I choose to get married it will be on my terms. No surveys, no interviews, and no lies. If I ever do one of those things I'm just going to be honest and hope that they refuse to wed me. Or I will claim to be a pedophile and ask for a job.

Apparently there is some rule that most churches won't let u get married in their church if u live together. I was informed of this by Mrs. Ace's grandmother, and my response was thank fucking god. I can't wait to live in sin.

Tony B. said...

This is why we have a Google-approved officiant, Karl who loves metal and looks like Jesus, but isn't worried about surveys and churches, etc. Also, we're already living together, so if Mr. Ace is correct, most churches won't have us anyway.

Dustin said...

Ace- that answer to Ms ace grandma doesn't make sense. And why do you keep saying Mrs ace If you say you're never getting married??

Mr. Ace said...

Dustin, because I will force her to take my last name either way.

Upstate Underdog said...

Good stuff, especially working in the part about Rob Holford. Love Bites bitch.

逆円助 said...

さあ、今夏も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか?当サイトは円助交際の逆、つまり女性が男性を円助する『逆円助交際』を提供します。逆円交際を未経験の方でも気軽に遊べる大人のマッチングシステムです。年齢上限・容姿・経験一切問いません。男性の方は無料で登録して頂けます。貴方も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか

精神年齢 said...

みんなの精神年齢を測定できる、メンタル年齢チェッカーで秘められた年齢がズバリわかっちゃう!かわいいあの子も実は精神年齢オバサンということも…合コンや話のネタに一度チャレンジしてみよう

メル友募集 said...

最近仕事ばかりで毎日退屈してます。そろそろ恋人欲しいです☆もう夏だし海とか行きたいな♪ k.c.0720@docomo.ne.jp 連絡待ってるよ☆

家出 said...

最近TVや雑誌で紹介されている家出掲示板では、全国各地のネットカフェ等を泊り歩いている家出娘のメッセージが多数書き込みされています。彼女たちはお金がないので掲示板で知り合った男性の家にでもすぐに泊まりに行くようです。あなたも書き込みに返事を返してみませんか

動物占い said...

あなたの性格を、動物に例えて占っちゃいます。もしかしたらこんな動物かも!?動物占いをうまく使って、楽しい人間関係を築いてください

家出 said...

家出中の女性や泊まる所が無い女性達がネットカフェなどで、飲み放題のドリンクで空腹を満たす生活を送っています。当サイトはそんな女性達をサポートしたいという人たちと困っている女性たちの為のサイトです

セレブラブ said...

セレブ女性との割り切りお付き合いで大金を稼いでみませんか?女性に癒しと快楽、男性に謝礼とお互い満たしあえる当サイト、セレブラブはあなたの登録をお待ちしております。

夏フェス!! said...

夏フェス一緒に行ってくれる人募集!!夏の思い出一緒につくろぉ☆ megumi-0830@docomo.ne.jp 連絡してね♪

無料ゲーム said...

あなたのゲーマー度を無料ゲーム感覚で測定します。15個の質問に答えるだけの簡単測定で一度遊んでみませんか?ゲームが得意な人もそうでない人もぜひどうぞ。

素人 said...

Hな女性たちは素人ホストを自宅やホテルに呼び、ひとときの癒しを求めていらっしゃいます。当サイトでは男性ホスト様の人員が不足しており、一日3~4人の女性の相手をするホストもおられます。興味を持たれた方は当サイトにぜひお越しください

出会い系 said...

実は出会い系には…関係者用入り口があるのを知っていますか?広告主やスポンサー用に用意されたIDではサクラや業者が立ち入ることが出来ないようになっているのです。当サイトでは極秘に入手した関係者用URLが公開されています

逆援助 said...

男性はお金、女性は快楽を得る逆援助に興味はありませんか?お金を払っても性的欲求を満たしたいセレブ達との割り切り1日のお付き合いで当サイトでは大金を得ることができます。無料登録なのでアルバイト感覚でOK、詳しくはTOPページでどうぞ。

友達募集 said...

ホムペ完成記念!私の事みんなに知ってもらいたくて頑張りましたぁ。色々とご感想をお待ちしているので思った事を意見してください。メアドはほむぺにのせてありますぅ!★ fan.jna@docomo.ne.jp

家出 said...

夏休みで気軽に家出する女子○生が急増しています。しかし家出したはいいものの泊る所やお金が無い彼女たちは、掲示板などで泊めてくれる男性を探す子も多いようです。当掲示板にも夏休みに入ってから通常の3倍以上のメッセージが寄せられています

人妻 said...

今最もアツイバイトは人妻とのセフレ契約です。当サイトではお金を払ってでもセフレがほしい人妻が集まり、男性会員様との逆援生活を待っています。当サイトで欲求不満の女性との出会いをしてみませんか

素人 said...

素人ホストでは、男性のテクニック次第で女性会員様から高額な謝礼がもらえます。欲求不満な人妻や、男性と出会いが無い女性達が当サイトで男性を求めていらっしゃいます。興味のある方はTOPページからどうぞ

友達募集中 said...

少し魅惑な自分をネットだから公開してみました。普段言えない事など、思い切って告白しているプロフなので興味ある方はぜひ除いてみてください連絡待ってまぁす。 hinyaaaaa@docomo.ne.jp