Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The State of Online Sports Journalism

*The point of this post is to smear those who get paid by the "big boy" sites to write about sports. I, by no means, think that I could do their job. If anyone ever referred to me by anything more than "sexy blogger", I would swallow their face whole. This is just G$ doing what G$ does best...anonymously attacking others with a smug sense of self-satisfaction while wearing sweatpants and watching re-runs of Family Guy.

I'll admit it. I'm a big fan of ESPN's Bill Simmons. Sure, the guy has a tendency to talk about Boston sports/Karate Kid waaaaay too much and he barely writes anymore, but I still get excited every time I see that there is some new article up at ESPN. Call me a fag, I don't care. I'm a Simmons honk. Now, on the other hand, the guy whose face is right next to Simmons', Rick Reilly (pictured), I don't care for. I find his writing to be overly sappy and human interest stories don't "interest" me at all. I'll take an analogy comparing Ralph Macchio to Eric Gordon any day over the tale of an athlete succeeding in his sport after his parents were eaten by raccoons. I think that Reilly insists upon himself and does a poor job relating to the people who are reading his tear-jerkers. But he's been doing this for years and I highly doubt that he would give a shit what this broke-ass blogger thinks about his writing style.

Now there were rumors flying around the 'sphere that Reilly and Simmons did not get along. Something about money or status at ESPN or Mount Rushmore or veinier cock, I'm not really sure. But Reilly appeared on the BS Report yesterday and it was actually a really solid discussion in which they each critiqued each other's style. Reilly even came off to be human eventhough he was bitching about this year being only the 2nd time since 1986 that he would miss The Masters. it on TV like the rest of us.

It did get me thinking though; these guys are 2/3 of the triumverate of online sports journalism (along with Peter King who I still read eventhough he is a massive dork). I'm struggling to come up with a fourth so that Reilly could have his own Mount Rushmore though. Anyway, I figured I would help out all of my readers by giving you 8 columnists from the big 3 sites (ESPN, SI, and Fox...I don't count CBS or Yahoo in this because I don't frequent them as much as I probably should) that you shouldn't waste your time with. For the record, read King and Simmons and avoid Reilly.

-Pat Forde, ESPN - He's kind of pompous. He refers to himself in the third person a lot (The Dash/Minutes). He lives in Louisville. Forde is much better at being the man breaking stories than he is coming up with his own material.

-Jason Whitlock, FoxSports - Now I've been reading Whitlock for awhile now but it isn't because he's good. It is because he embarrasses himself ALL THE TIME. Everything boils down to race to him. And let's not forget that he's insane. I'm pretty sure that he is banned from ESPN for life...and it takes a lot to do that.

-Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN - Holy shit. This guy might be the worst writer ever. Have you ever tried to read his Tuesday Morning Quarterback or whatever it's called? It will literally take you 2 hours and that isn't even counting the naps required to finish it (at least 4). I can't believe that a guy who spells his first name so fag-gy can get paid to write about the NFL.

-Don Banks, - Have you read this guy's mock drafts? They are a fucking joke! I think that he had me going to the Chiefs at #3 last week. Sports Illustrated has 40 guys writing on the NFL and Banks ranks 41st. King refers to him as "Donnie Brasco" which makes me hate him more.

-Jayson Stark, ESPN - Rumblings and Grumblings is just an awful column. 10,000 words of nothing when I could read Buster Olney's blog and get twice as much info in about 3 minutes??? Where do I sign up! Stark just hasn't been the same since ESPN made him shave off his 'stache and then subsequently banned him from TV.

-Ken Rosenthal, FoxSports - I mentioned this last week, but it warrants mention again: Rosenthal fucking sucks. Go ahead, read an article of his. I guarantee that you will say "that's wrong" at least 5 times before you're done. Compare his stuff to Heyman or Verducci over at SI. Not even close.

-Dr. Z, - No one has made a career out of stupid columns and picks more than Paul Zimmerman. I'm not callous though. I know that he recently suffered from 3 strokes, but I'm talking about his prior work and how much it sucked. I think that he predicted the Dolphins to win the Super Bowl when Jay Fiedler was their QB...and it was on the cover of fucking SPORTS ILLUSTRATED!

-Todd McShay, Bag Of Dicks - I don't even know if he writes a column for ESPN outside of his retarded mock drafts but the guy needs to go away. He is not Mel Kiper. He will never be Mel Kiper. Mel Kiper eats pumpkin pie for breakfast every morning (true story). McShay eats Merrill Hoge's concussed pubic hair. I hate McShay. He is such a smarmy prick.

Well, there you go. I hope I could, in some way, make your not-working a tad more efficient. It took me two years to wade through the crap but I'm here to help. Did I forget anyone? Am I missing someone that is actually good? Let me know because I'm always down with not doing work at work.

Before we go, a quick shout-out to JBeanie who made the tough decision yesterday to shut down his blog. For what it's worth, if you can't put your heart into it, it's better to retire than drag it on. You want to go out like Barry Sanders and not Brett Favre. Keep this in mind if you ever get the jones again, the offer is always on the table to contribute just have to proofread, bitch. Stay in touch. I'm back tomorrow with (hopefully) another Groom Knows Dick.


Anonymous said...

Simmons definitely does/did not like Reilly. He used to take questions and take shots at him in his mail bag. I will have to listen to the pod cast.

I like Buccigross a lot for hockey. I also like J.A. Adande for basketball.


GMoney said...

I forgot to add how much I dislike Marc Stein and Ric Bucher...but that is more for their television personas.

Anonymous said...

Stewart Mandell is really good for college football.


rstiles said...

I hate Reilly too...a few years back he ripped us NFL Draftniks...he called us losers and had no life...

That in fact may be true, but I don't need some pompous cocksucker to tell me that...


GMoney said...

I forgot about Mandel. He is pretty good eventhough he looks like a troll. Luke Winn at SI has a good college hoops column. Ken Rosenthal still sucks.

Anonymous said...

I forgot that I like Bruce Feldman for football as well.


J Beanie said...

Thanks for the shout-out. (Is there a gayer saying than "shout-out?" There's got to be a better word for that, right?) Who's ESPN's fantasy football guy? The one who calls himself the Talented Mr. Roto, or something. That guy may be worst than anyone you mentioned.

GMoney said...

I kind of like Matthew Berry, Beanie. He was once a writer for Married With Children.

Tony B. said...

I usually read cbs sports columns (because that's the site where my fantasy baseball league is) and nobody really jumps out as someone I'd recommend. Most of their guys are hit and miss.

SSReporters said...

CBS Sports writers are awful.

But Pete Prisco is the worst.

I swear he is a Cardinals fan who can't get his bias out of the way when writing.

How can you pick them to win the NFC West 4 years in a row and then when they finally do you go "I told you so!"?

He's a tool.

Anonymous said...

Between us speaking, you should to try look in