Monday, April 06, 2009

Smach Madness Finale

Well, we're down to two. After 5 months of college hoops, we are left with the green and the light blue (it's like YMCA ball!). One team has no NBA first rounders and a borderline weirdo head coach. The other team has a dickless center that everyone is afraid to admit how worthless he is. Yeah, I'm saying it...the Heels are still playing for the title even if he wasn't on the team. It's probably getting a bit tiresome listening to me bitch about Hansbrough all the time, but I'm not stopping until he's wearing cement shoes and living at the bottom of the Detroit River. Let's talk about the games already played and then a little prediction on what will happen tonight:

This weekend was the start of my umpiring season for the Ohio High School Athletic Association (that counts as an endorsement so pay me my money). I had a doubleheader between Bexley and Briggs...two schools that I know nothing about. Whatever, the level of play was average, the games were marathons (10-6 and 16-8), and I got sunburned. I fucking hate getting sunburned. I cherish my white skin, dammit. One thing caught my eye though. The 3B for Briggs looked EXACTLY like Mr. Ace. Carbon copy lookalike with the exception of this kid being half as retarded and without a dick in his mouth, but other than that, they are twins. Just thought that I would throw that in there because taking shots at Mr. Ace is always fun.

Before the Final Four began, Cinemax dropped a ton of awesome right into my lap by airing the 1991 classic, Ski School. What a great movie. They don't make films with unnecessary necessary nudity like that anymore. And they made the bold decision of sacrificing acting skills for huge jugs. Another great decision that needs to make a comeback today.

Anyway, on to the hoops. The UConn/MSU game was surprisingly good. The level of play was pretty high when CBS would actually show the game instead of their usual "Magic Johnson celebrating wildly in the aisle" shot. How many cut-aways did they do to him anyway? At least 45. And how is Magic getting worse seats than Jud Heathcote's corpse and Steve Mariucci? Isn't Mooch banned from Ford Field? Is he in jail right now? AJ Price lost the game for the Huskies. Well, Price and karma. You can't tell me that it didn't feel good to watch Jim Calhoun walk off the court as a loser. I won't believe it. The Spartans, featuring virtually no one that can play at the next level, are a classic example of why coaching matters. Tom Izzo (who prefers that his wife, Lupe, untucks his sheets) can get it done. You don't need a UNLV-type team to win in March. It helps, but having a coach know what the fuck he is doing matters just as much.

I would like to take a moment to cut to Magic Johnson fist-pumping.

Villanova just couldn't get over the hump. They would cut it to 7 or 8 and just kept breaking my heart when they would give up the next 8 points. Man, I hate that Carolina team. Bad night for the Big East. I've got nothing much else to say about this game since I was focused more on the CBJ/Nashville overtime thriller. I did manage to see Hansbrough AGAIN go up for a dunk, not be anywhere near close enough to throw it down, so he threw it against the glass as hard as he could. Priceless. How can anyone like this guy. A center that plays from his knees? Any NBA team needs that!

So we're left with Carolina and Sparty. The same two teams that played already this year in the same exact building. And UNC rolled MSU by 35. All of us want to believe that Izzo has one more trick up his sleeve and he can send Roy And Tyler, the Deep Throat Brothers, home with another embarrassing March Madness loss. But it's not going to happen. We need to accept this. Just because State has Delvon Roe and Goran Sideburns this go-round does not change much. The Heels are better at every position other than "coach" and "douchebag white guy". For the record, I'm picking the Heels to win 83-65 and 60,000 Michigan State fans will light the city of Detroit on fire thus taking care of something that our government wants to do, but doesn't have the balls to do it.

Before I go, let me give you one more piece of advice...just say no to the One Shining Moment montage with Tyler Hansbrough. It will be more disgusting than feces-covered green beans. As for me, I don't plan to focus much on this shit-fest. I'll be checking in on Opening Day/Raw over Psycho T fouling his way to glory. At least tonight is his last we've got that going for us.


Mr. Ace said...

Were you able to control your urge to perform fellatio on the third baseman?

Sparty has NBA talent, just not first round talent, or maybe not even starting five talent. But 3 or 4 of those guys will be in the Association.

Roy Williams is about as cool as a turd sandwich.

GMoney said...

I had the same conversation with commenter Drew on that yesterday. They will probably have a guy or two from this team play in the league, but they won't be contributing a lot if they make the rotation at all.

Your "brother" ended up pitching in relief and had a sick breaking ball. His retarted older brother taught him well.

Mr. Ace said...

I did once anchor the Twins rotation in Little League.

I think Walton will make it as a defensive specialist. Lucas will play, no doubt. And Roe could, probably will, develop into a lottery pick.

Matt said...

Clearly, we can say once and for all that Big 10 basketball is better than Big East basketball, based on the bone fides of the top teams in each conference.

Anonymous said...

One more win tonight hopefully by UNC, and I/we can officially put Sack/G$ on his suicide watch for UNC winning it all!!!

You are G$ if nothing else a man of your word, so I fully expect to see in the C-bus paper tomorrow morning...."Sun-burned umpire commits suicide after UNC loss"...

On a side has papaG$ doing with his "D1" umpiring schedule so far???? I have been trying to watch for games on the B10 Network.....but haven't ran across a game yet....



Dustin said...

Ace- you anchored possibly the worst starting rotation in the history of little league! I think my giants run ruled your asses every time we played.

Tony B. said...

UNC is going to roll MSU.

I don't totally agree with Matt (I can't say the Big Ten is better than the Big East overall) but after all of the Big East talk, you'd like they'd have one team in the Championship game. I suppose I'm slipping hairs as they had two teams in the Final Four, but c'mon.

GMoney said...

The Big Ten isn't a bad hoops conference anymore. But MSU doesn't wipe away all of your sins.


Anonymous said...

Dude, it's one inning of one start. Calm down. And Texas is a pretty damn good hitting team. I'm not panicking quite yet. Wait till Burnett blows his arm out by his third start.


GMoney said...

7-0 with no outs in the 5th. The Tribe are done already.

Anonymous said...

Ski School.. What a Classic.