Friday, April 03, 2009

Buzzing The NL's Tower


Yesterday, I tried to get a good discussion going about the 2009 American League season. Instead, we argued over who sucks more: Detroit or Cleveland. I don't think that we'll see the same kind of stupidity today. Why? Because no one cares about the AL's retarded cousin. Sure, we have some Cubs and maybe some Reds fans chiming in, but the AL is the lightning rod league that starts arguments on this site. But, nevertheless, I have to do this anyway. And to soften the blow of talking about shitty baseball, Mr. Kenny Powers is back to drop some more knowledge on you bitches! Let's get this over with (and stick around until the end to see the wildest prediction that you've ever seen as well as my World Series pick)...

NL East:
1. Mets
I like - I used to hate David Wright...but I'm coming around on him now. I don't know why and it bothers me.
I hate - Does anyone suck as much as Oliver Perez yet for some reason people think he's good?
Kenny - on how the Mets play away from Queens: Breakin hearts and hymens all up the coast.

2. Phillies
I like - Raul Ibanez is just one of those guys that will be hitting 25 homers when he turns 50. It's too bad that his signing came at the expense of Matt Stairs.
I hate - Uh oh, Cole Hamels is hurt. There is no way that they replicate last year's success. And their manager is a fucking idiot.
Kenny - on what the Phils need to improve attendance: Seems to me an establishment such as this could go for an overhaul in the advertising spokesman game. Talkin' bout a real celebrity, not some sign-spinnin' fucking monkey. Talkin' bout goddamn ME.

3. Marlins
I like - Dude, Hanley Ramirez is a fucking stud. If that owner/fanbase would ever support these guys, they have the pieces to do something good. Still loving Jose Mesa!!!
I hate - I'm still pissed at them about the 2003 World Series. Remember when Jeff Weaver pitched for the Yankees??? I just threw up in my mout.
Kenny - on the Marlins stadium: That's how the plague started back in the day...from a litle disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

4. Braves
I like - I've always loved Larry Jones and Brian McCann is a masher.
I hate - I just don't like Bobby Cox. Didn't he beat his wife? Who the hell is their closer anyway?
Kenny - on promising rookie pitcher, Tommy Hanson's mullet: You know if I took you from behind right now I'd be fucking myself over. You look like a retarded Michael Myers.

5. Nationals
I like - F0r some reason, Adam Dunn grew on me during the WBC. Lastings Milledge is going to have a breakout season.
I hate - I couldn't name one pitcher on this team. Nick Johnson, even when healthy, fucking sucks.
Kenny - on Elijah Dukes' woman-beating ways: You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more the he can go fuck himself, cause those charges were dropped.

NL Central:
1. Cubs
I like - Milton Bradley seems like a good fit in the middle of that order. Any team managed by Sweet Lou will be good.
I hate - That pitching staff scares me a bit. Zambrano has gotten worse over the past 3 years, Dumpster can only pitch at home, Ted Lilly blows, and you never know when Harden goes down for the year.
Kenny - on the ladies at Wrigley Field: Wow, I think I need to change my pants! ...I'm just playin', I didn't cum in my pants.

2. Reds
I like - Youth is being served. So much good young talent on this team but they are still probably a year away.
I hate - Why do they still have Corey Patterson? Why did they not trade Homer Bailey for Jermaine Dye? And if they sign Gary Sheffield, I would put them in the 5 hole in this division.
Kenny - on Bronson Arroyo: You've always been a pussy but now you're just a vagina with a mullet.

3. Cardinals
I like - How can you not love Poo-Holes. Chris Carpenter is primed for a monster comeback season. Keep an eye on rookie closer, Jason Motte...kid looks like a stud.
I hate - They did nothing in free agency and pray that losers like Wellemeyer repeat last season. Ain't happ'nin'. LaRussa is quite the objectionable human being.
Kenny - on Rick Ankiel: Sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

4. Astros
I like - One of the most underrated hitters in the game is Carlos Lee. The gangly Hunter Pence is always an enjoy to watch even if everything that he does is ugly.
I hate - They have no pitching. Lance Berkman looks too much like Tony Stewart for me to care for.
Kenny - on Darin Erstad still somehow playing in the league: If at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck.

5. Brewers
I like - Dude, Ryan Braun is nasty. If Prince Fielder ever got his weight under 400 (vegetarian my ass, I've done it for 6 weeks and I've lost weight...he actually puts on pounds), maybe he could realize his potential.
I hate - Yovani Gallardo is your ace? Trevor Hoffman is your closer? He can't break a window with his fastball.
Kenny - on the tailgating outside of Miller Park: One time I was invited to attend a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of tangeray and showed those people the best fucking time they've ever seen.

6. Pirates
I like - This team is fucking awful. I do like Nate McLouth though. Ian Snell may have a big year.
I hate - Everything else.
Kenny - on the women of Pittsburgh: I love all women, even the ugly as shit ones.


NL West:
1. Giants
I like - This might be the best pitching staff in the league...even with Barry Zito. Lincecum, Cain, and rejuvenated Big Unit will pull off the shocker and lead the Giants to the division title.
I hate - The pitching rules but I hope they can hit. Other than Pablo Sandoval, how in the hell are they going to score?
Kenny - on Barry Zito's fall from grace: Just a regular person now, with no hopes or dreams, waiting to die, just like the rest of you.

2. Dodgers
I like - Finally, they get Manny to come back and that's good enough to keep them in it all year. They need some help from their young arms but Billingsley and Kershaw are just too good to slip up.
I hate - The way Joe Torre uses his bullpen is a crime. Bringing back Casey Blake and the corpse of Raffy Furcal was probably not the best move.
Kenny - on what Billingsley should say before every start that he makes: I’m the man with the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I’m better than everyone else in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

3. Diamondbacks
I like - Their sick starting pitching will always keep them in games. I can't wait to watch Max Scherzer throw the ball 600 mph this year. Stephen Drew is going to breakout this year.
I hate - Their sticks still suck. It really says something when Adam Dunn is your best hitter last year.
Kenny - on the desert: I bought into the Native American mythology. You can smoke a peace pipe til your dick falls off, but I'm not dancin' with fucking wolves no matter how high I get.

4. Rockies
I like - Not much. Troy Tulowitzki being healthy again will make them enjoyable to watch and Ubaldo Jiminez is a stud, but they are going to blow.
I hate - Huston Street is awful. Todd Helton really needs to either retire or shave that bird's nest off of his face.
Kenny - on the Rockies' black jerseys: Wearin' all black is my thing.... Now you need to go find a way to change yourself for me.

5. Padres
I like - Ummmm, they have former RedHawk and Ayersville Pilot, Chad Reineke, in their system. Adrian Gonzalez is pretty good.
I hate - Is there any reason why Brian Giles is still getting paid to play? He sucks more than Mr. Ace. Jake Peavy looked rotten in the WBC.
Kenny - on the shittiness of new closer, Heath Bell: You're fucking out. I'm fucking in.

NL MVP - David Wright
Cy Young - Chad Billingsley (3rd year in a row for this prediction but at least he's the ace now!)
Manager - Bruce Bochy
Rookie - Pablo Sandoval, 1B, Giants (I think he qualifies)
Playoffs - Dodgers over Mets, Giants over Cubs............Giants over Dodgers

There, how about that for a shocker. I'm picking the Giants...THE GIANTS...to win the National League based solely on pitching. Hey, it worked for the D-Backs in 2001 and they had the worst manager in baseball history.

WORLD SERIES PICK!!! Yankees over Giants. Come on, I've picked the Yankees over the Dodgers the past two years...we're taking a leap of faith on this one.

Kenny, any final thoughts before you ride your glorious jet-ski off into the sunset?
Let's buttfuck this party.
Could not have said it better myself. Enjoy Opening Day weekend.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Giants won't even win the west, let alone a wild card spot. Their shitty offense will not compensate for their pitching. Dodgers win the west and make it to the world series against the Twins.

Naptown Wolverine

Anonymous said...

You're right, National League baseball blows. It's a waste even commenting on it. I hope you didn't waste too much time on this.

I will pick my sleeper NL team, though. Look out for the Reds.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Tell me about it. Talking about the NL is depressing. The only time a pitcher should touch wood is when he's playing with himself. DH's 4 Life!

Anonymous said...

I beg to differ.

-Carlos Zambrano

KPietsch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KPietsch said...

The Cubs pitching will be fine. Big Z will have one of his best years, Dempster will still be Dempster and only pitch at home, Sweet Lou won't let Harden get hurt because he won't over pitch him (5-6 innings at the most), Lilly's not that bad and I do think that Marshal is coming around. Any of our top three pitcher could be an Ace on another team, especialy the Brewers. I don't like how we let DeRo go... but Bradley is looking like a champ.

Everytime I think of the Giants, it makes me think of one of the great little league coaches... Kenny Haise... that's funny. So of course i'm not picking them.

I'm not worried about the Reds with the division they are in. I'm taking the Braves (but not over the Cubs). Not a bad first three starters and I think Kawakami is going to be good after working with the Braves pitching staff and learning from old timer Glavine.

GMoney said...

Isn't Marshall on the A's now? Or was that Sean Gallagher? Did you send that Hill fucker to Baltimore?

Tony B. said...

Gallagher on the A's (lost his starting spot- in the bullpen currently)

Hill on the Orioles (on DL)

Marshall is the Cubs' 5th starter (3-1 in Spring).

The Cubs will win their division, it's a matter of them getting their heads on straight for the playoffs. Hopefully Milton Bradley will provide the calming force for the clubhouse... oh shit.

KPietsch said...

I'm happy that we don't have either of them. We did send Hill to the O's and he's on the DL. I think he picked up the Vince Young and Dontrell Willis disorder after falling from one of the best up and coming pitchers... to not even being able to out pitch Dave Keisling. Ha, qee qee, wasn't that what everyone called him?

GMoney said...

That idiot, Ken Rosenthal, picks the Rays to beat the Phillies in the World Series. There is NO WAY that a repeat Series matchup happens. Has it ever happened? How is this guy employed. Seriously, go to Foxsports.com and look at his picture...he's a fucking toolbelt.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm taking the Nationals.

KPietsch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KPietsch said...

Cubs went in 07 and 08 (1900's) and played the same team. That's the only time I know. I don't see a rematch happening though. The guy is an idiot.

With all my blogs today... you can see how busy I am at work today.

Tony B. said...

Ken Rosenthal is retarded. The odds of the Rays even making the playoffs this year is slim to none. Rosenthal has to be worse than Steve Phillips with those kind of "expert" predictions.

Dustin said...

Rosenthal should lose his job for those predictions. It looks like he copy/pasted last year's results into this year's predictions!

Irishman said...

The Cubs will be fine. The staff will be the most dominant in the league. There starting staff will have more wins than any team in baseball this year. I hated DeRo getting traded. But Milt will be just fine. The bench is good and the bullpen should be great.

The Reds will be tough and very competitive. Glad I live in Cincy and will get to check out several games this year again.

The Giants wont win because of Barry Zito!!! Speaking of the D-Backs in 2001 didnt they have your favorite player of all time on that team? CURT SCHILLING??

Anonymous said...

Corey Patterson is no longer with the Reds (thank God). Worse player in baseball last season.

This team is better due to addition by subtraction with Dunn, Patterson, and Griffey gone. The team era will be lowered by a .5 a run without those stiffs in the outfield.

This team is built to win with pitching, I like the staff but there are a lot of I hopes.

I hope Harang returns to the 2007 Harang.
I hope the second half Arroyo shows up and not the first half.
I hope Volquez and Cueto improve and not have a sophomore year slump.

But, I think they can atleast be in it and hopefully not have to sell to early due to terrible economy


Hoffman

Clarkster said...

The Giants Win the Pennant!!!! The Giants Win the Pennant!!!! If this happens i'll be the happiest guy in California. and if it doesn't happen this year we've got some studs comming down the line. starting pitcher Madison Baumgartner. and Catcher Buster Posey he's athletic, has a great arm, and has incredible power.'09 may be there year but if it's not I like their chances in 2010