Thursday, April 02, 2009

Buzzing The AL's Tower

Hey, dickweeds, in case you didn't know, the baseball season begins on Sunday! For the first time in a very long time, I am actually excited. I could go on and on about why my love for MLB has decreased over the years, but I'm trying to stay upbeat today. And I have a great reason to be happy. For today (and tomorrow), I get to unleash my wave of baseball predictions sure to be terrible! G$ has used his own celebrity to collaborate on this project with baseball geniuses like Lou Brown and Steve Phillips in the past. This year is no different. Gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome this year's guest contributor on the Money Shot's MLB previews...Mr. Kenny Powers!!!

AL East
1. Yankees
I love - The revamped starting rotation is going to be lights out. CC and Burnett have both been fantastic this Spring. Although Joba has struggled a bit with location and velocity, he is still the best 5 starter in the league. I really like Brett Gardner in CF. He could have 40 steals this year.
I hate - They are really fucking old at key spots. I have no idea what to expect from rag arm Posada or the double play brothers (Matsui and Jeter). And Unfrozen Caveman Manager gets dumber by the day.
Kenny - on the media circus surrounding A-Rod: Hold on to your dick

2. Red Sox
I love - Ummmm, nothing. I can't compliment these fucks. Oh, wait, I love the fact that Curt Schilling retired.
I hate - Jonathon Papelbon is the biggest douche in the business. Pedroia will tail off. Baseball Prospectus states that Youkilis had one of the luckiest seasons ever when it came to his power surge...I expect a decrease in production there. And Big Papi will continue his slide now that he has stopped taking steroids.
Kenny - on Big Papi's wife: There’s one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image, is your big tits.

3. Rays
I love - They play hard and are fundamentally sound. Pat Burrell could be a nice addition. He's definitely better than Cliff Floyd and Eric Hinske.
I hate -They caught every break last year. There is no way that, now that they have expectations, they can exceed last year's successes. That bullpen sucks. The starters logged more innings last year than they ever have. For some stupid reason, David Price is in AAA so that some ass named Hammel can start. They are already fucking things up.
Kenny - on those that believe the Rays can replicate 2008 this year: Listen hear you beautiful bitch, I'm gonna fuck you up with some knowledge

4. Orioles
I love - Matt fucking Wieters. Kid is going to be a a straight version of Mike Piazza. Brian Roberts is probably my favorite non-Yankee in the AL East.
I hate -That they sent Wieters to AAA because apparently Gregg Zaun is who people want to see. And they have no pitching. This team wouldn't be bad if they could find anyone better than Daniel Cabrera.
Kenny - on Kevin Millar standing next to him at the urinal: You can just turtle walk your ass to the next bathroom

5. Blue Jays
I love - Roy Halladay and his magical beard. Ummmm, Canadian beer is the tits. Oh, and knowing that Cito Gaston is still alive was a pleasant surprise.
I hate - The Jays have no offense, no bullpen, and no 2-5 starters. This team is going to be really, really bad.
Kenny - to the entire country of Canada: I'm sorry i kissed your fiancee...on her pussy.

AL Central
1. Twins
I love - They overachieve every year despite Ron Gardenhire being a collosal douchebag. Liriano is healthy again and I hope his stuff is still as sick as it was 2 years ago. Justin Morneau is on two of my fantasy teams so he better mash.
I hate - Joe Crede. I don't know why...he just grinds my gears. I'm still pissed that Morneau stole the MVP award from Jeter two years ago. Joe Mauer's back and awful sideburns concern me as well.
Kenny - on how Liriano should announce his return to dominance: Dr. Kockenbalz got his pitch back!

2. Royals
I love - Pretty much everything about this team gets the thumbs up from me. They have power arms in the rotation (Grienke. Meche, and Davies), a great closer, a white manager named Trey, and a lineup that is better than you think (Crisp, DeJesus, Jacobs, Aviles, Gordon, Guillen, Butler, etc.). If Alex Gordon can finally make the leap and reach his potential, I could see them winning 85+ games this year.
I hate - I really have no idea who they have to get the ball to Soria. Anybody know someone in the Royals bullpen?
Kenny - to former KC village idiot, Herm Edwards: You dress like a dickhead

3. Indians
I love - Victor Martinez is back and healthy and Mark DeRosa will prove valuable due to his versatility. Sizemore should probably make the leap to superstardom and hopefully their idiot manager will realize that he shouldn't be hitting leadoff. He likely won't though because he is the worst manager in baseball...even below Dusty Baker.
I hate - That rotation is terrible. Yeah, Cliff Lee lucked into the Cy Young last year but you can't just pencil 18 wins in for him again. Who knows what you get from Carmona. And the trio of terrible named Pavano, Lewis, and Reyes??? You should carry ten relief pitchers.
Kenny - regarding how ugly Eric Wedge's wife is: Can I wear the Scream mask…the mask from Scream…when I do you from behind

4. White Sox
I love - Alexei Ramirez is going to break through this season with a 30/30 year. Jon Danks and Gavin Floyd will help Sox fans forget about how mediocre Mark Buehrle has become.
I hate - Ken Williams confuses me. Sometimes he seems like a wheeler and dealer and then you have times like this offseason when he does nothing and the team doesn't look very good on paper. Jim Thome and Paul Konerko are quite the black hole of suck in the middle of that order.
Kenny - on having the same first name as the White Sox GM: Kenny, you are the fucking man!!! Love you, brother.. not homo

5. Tigers
I love - A skinneir Miguel Cabrera is a great Miguel Cabrera and he looks better this year. He could win the MVP while playing for a last place team. Cutting Gary Sheffield is some awesome karma coming into the season. Looks like the Tigs will be relying on a TON of young arms...I don't really like that formula for success.
I hate - I'm telling you, this team is going to be broke and have to trade away players that they don't want to just to make payroll for the end of the season. Their starting pitching sucks and they have no bullpen at all. Not really a recipe for success over a 162 game schedule.
Kenny - disregarding Miggy's workout habits: I'm a real athlete. I'm not trying to be the best at exercising

AL West
1. Angels
I love - They win this fucking thing every year. Look at their competition, they could not show up for a month and still win the West by 5 games. Mike Scioscia is the best manager/nuclear power plant worker in baseball. I really like Jose Arredondo out of that bullpen.
I hate - Doesn't John "ugliest player since Otis Nixon" Lackey have arm problems in April every year? Vlad is starting to get old. The Rally Monkey can suck a fat sack of sweaty balls.
Kenny - on the Angels ability to lose to the Red Sox in October: If there's one thing I fear, it's losing. If there's two things I fear, it's losing and cancer.

2. Rangers
I love - They will score a lot, that is for sure. Their best player used to enjoy crack and you have to respect him for it. I expect a big season out of corner IF and former Rick's Sports Bar bartender, Chris Davis. Is Ron Washington still their manager? He's got "Tyrone Biggums' dad" written all over him.
I hate - They, again, have no pitching. Kevin Millwood? Didn't he die a few years ago? Oh, that was professional pilot, Cory Lidle. Ouch. I don't know why they are rushing future stud SS, Elvis Andrus, when Michael Young is still more than capable of playing the position at an all-star level.
Kenny - to that mama's boy, Ian Kinsler: Alright, you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, the little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the handgun, there's a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hand of yours.

3. Athletics
I love - Matt Holliday and Jason Giambi hitting back-to-back is going to work...big time. But that's about all that's going to go well. I kind of like that Ziegler fella for closing out games.
I hate - They have no starting pitching. They signed losers like Nomar and count on losers like Eric Chavez and Bobby Crosby. They make several threatening gestures to the UN and at the end repeat the phrase, "Screw Flanders".
Kenny - on why he should be on the A's 25 man roster: I'm just a normal, everyday guy with exceptional hair...

4. Mariners
I love - Ichiro's burning hatred toward the city of Cleveland is well-chronicled and still awesome. If King Felix can ever get his shit together and realize that, yes, he can dominate, he will be unhittable. Brandon Morrow is going to be a beast if the M's ever have a lead going into the 9th inning.
I hate - They still have Carlos Silva who is the worst starting pitcher in baseball (and he makes 12 mill per season). They still have Adrian Beltre. That offense is rotten. They spent over 100 million last year for 100 losses. Ouch.
Kenny - on his growing man-love for Morrow: He's got a cock like a burmese python and an arm like a fuckin' rocket

MVP - Miguel Cabrera (4o HR/140 RBI/.330)
Cy Young - CC Sabathia
Manager - Trey Hillman
Rookie - Matt Wieters
Playoffs - Yankees over Twins, Red Sox over Angels...Yankees over Red Sox

Damn. That was much longer than I was hoping. We will shorten it up when we talk about the retard league. Back with the NL tomorrow and don't worry, Kenny is coming back as long as I get him some steroids and coke. But for now...we're going to SHA-BOOM'S!!!


Anonymous said...

The Royals finishing 2nd, huh? Anytime you talk about a lineup not being that bad and the first name you mention is Coco Crisp, it's not that good.

Miggy Cabrerra winning MVP on a last place team? I know it's been done before, but come on. He won't even be the MVP of his divison (see Sizemore, Grady).

You're concerns about the Tribe's rotation are valid, but if they can just be average they will be a threat. With the a solid bullpen an very good offense, that's all they need them to be.


GMoney said...

If you think that my prediction of the Royals finishing second is wild, wait until you see tomorrow's post.

And Damman, please confirm to everyone just how ugly Mrs. Wedge is.

rstiles said...

So you are actually going to post tomorrow???....I am just waiting to get up one day and see that you QUIT!!!!...

I hate this uncertainty!

Mr. Ace said...

You're wrong about every division.

Tony B. said...

I highly recommend checking out Kenny Powers' twitter page- he posts many times a day and drops gems of knowledge.

Here's a sample: "Getting Pussy Steadily: the only GPS I fucking need."

GMoney said...

Way to back up your outrageous and slanderous remarks with reasoning, Ace.

T-Bone, I will never Twitter. I'm 2 Cool 4 School, too.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Wedge's wife is absoultely hideous. But I would probably hit on her.

She looks like Wedge manages...not good.


Dustin said...

How the f do you know the Indians pen will be solid? They were fucking awful last year. Kerry wood will be as reliable as jobo.

If you remember last year, the tigers were better than the Indians until they mailed it in the last 2 months. Or maybe the Indians just started trying after they unloaded their good players.

Anonymous said...

Dut, I was waiting for you. Right now, they have makings of a solid bullpen. That could change, but right now they look pretty good.

Wow, the Tigers were better than the Indians until the last two months...that might be the lamest thing I have ever heard. It's not exactly a major accomplishment to be better than a medicore team. I believe the Tigers also had more than double the payroll fo the Indians last year. So, yeah, congratulations on your "accomplishments" last year.


GMoney said...

Bullpens are a crapshoot. You never know if yours is going to be good. It's a complete fluke (see: Betancourt, Rafael 2007 and 2008 seasons).

Dut, you are an idiot. I don't think that we can state this enough.

Dustin said...

Damman- why do you always mention the payroll as If it is cheating???

G$- with those projections I'm not sure you have the right to call anyone an idiot! Yankees win the division!? Tigers in last!? Royals in second!? Indians anything but last place!? Maybe you should have called it quits yesterday!

Anonymous said...

I don't think having a payroll is cheating, but when a team with a top 5 payroll in baseball finishes in last place, I think it's worth mentioning.

At least the Yankees compete with their payroll.


Dustin said...

Damman- once again you're whining about the payroll!

GMoney said...

Knock it off, queers, both your teams have sucked for your entire lives.

Anonymous said...

Dut, why can't you understand this? Put down your Mountain Dew. I am not whining about payroll. It's just pretty funny to me when a team spends as much as the Tigers did last year to finish in last place...behind the Royals. Maybe you need to go to the nuthouse with your boy Dontrelle. What a great signing that was.



Mr. Ace said...

The AL Central goes through Chicago, bitches. You fags can whine all you want about who is going to be the third best team in the division, because that is the best either of your shit squads will do.

This is going to come down to the Twins and the Sox, just like last year. We got Ozzie fucking Guillen.

KPietsch said...

Then the Cubs over the Yankees... I like it.

Anonymous said...

The Royals will be competitive and tough to beat night in and night out.. I wouldnt be shocked with a 2nd place finish in the division.

GMoney said...

Thank you, Irishman!

I'm surprised that none of you idiots have stuck up for your pussy little Rays yet.

Anonymous said...

I'm Fucking In and You're Fucking Out