Thursday, April 30, 2009
Gentlemen, I beg you to take my advice on this one. At some point this Summer, you are going to have to call your cable provider and subscribe to HBO. Not because of the new season of Entourage and it's increasingly awful cast, or the new David Simon series about New Orleans, though. Oh no. The Cincinnati Bengals are coming to a television near you.
I love Hard Knocks. I fucking love it. You never get to see behind the scenes shots of NFL teams dealing with the shittiness of training camp and clowning on each other. But HBO spends millions of dollars to give you five hours of footage to help you understand life as an NFL player from the team superstar down to the lowliest scout team hack. It is fantastic. And it's narrated by Leiv Schreiber!
I was pumped for last year's version since they were following around the Cowboys. Eventhough I despise that team, they had some fairly large egos on that squadron that eventually aided into their implosion. But their footage on HBO was dull. It sucked actually. Other than hearing the O-Lineman refer to Bobby Carpenter as Barbie Carpenter and Wade Phillips running on a track, it was terrible. Where were the Jessica Simpson jokes, the T.O. suicide mockings, and the Pacman strip club pranks? Nowhere. Instead we got Marion Barber playing the fucking piano and Jerry Jones wearing a construction helmet. My day was ruined.
But the Bengals give us hope. Word is that this is a done deal and that HBO will be setting up their thousands of cameras in Georgetown, KY and giving us all the best of Marvin Lewis, Mike Brown, John Cooper, Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco, Cedric Benson, Andre Smith, Rey Maualuga, Chris Henry, Leon Hall, Tank Johnson (back to back years for Tank!) and whatever other deviants that they sign before camp opens. That is a real who's who of malcontents! This team makes last year's Cowboys squad look like a glee club.
This is going to be outstanding. Well done, HBO, now don't you dare go censoring this either for us. I want the raw footage, baby. I want to see just how unorganized and chaotic this franchise is. I want to see all the DUI's, statutory rapes, and hot dog eating contests that the Bengals have to offer.