Tuesday, April 28, 2009

95,000 Idiots

Ohio State held their annual spring game on Saturday afternoon. A record 95,000+ people showed up. I guess it is some sort of a record. Maybe it was the lure of the beach theme. Maybe it was the 85 degree weather. Maybe it was Jim Tressel wearing a stupid Hawaiian shirt and TUCKING IT IN. Whatever it was, I've got 4 words for anyone (not inclusive to OSU fans, this goes for all people around the country) who attend spring games:

Get. A. Fucking. Life.

It's just a practice and it means jack shit. The players and schemes that you saw on the field on Saturday will be totally different from the team that you see on Labor Day weekend. I don't really understand how people can follow recruiting, but I get it. This is the next crop of players that are coming in. What I truly can't come to grips with is why any self-respecting human being would pay money to watch an intrasquad scrimmage. It is a fucking scrimmage and almost 100,000 people found this event to be at the top of their to-do list this weekend.

I played football in high school. I was the greatest player in the world to never play in college. I back up this claim with my Loan Zone Player of the Week award!!! No one played dirtier than this fucking guy. I was a real dynamo. But, the layperson has no idea how much practicing fucking sucks. It is not fun. You sweat your balls off. You get yelled at. The only reward you get is a bottle of 110 degree water. It is not something that should be celebrated. I didn't even like playing in scrimmages. Why? Because they were beyond pointless. The last thing that I would want is a bunch of assholes in the stands having a good time.

There are many things that I would rather do over going to a glorified practice in which you saw 15% of the playbook being run: watch 10 minutes of According To Jim, trim a hobo's pubic hair with my teeth, live in New Jersey, become a Vegan, be buried alive by The Undertaker, shit my pants at my wedding, carry on a two minute conversation with Li'l Strut, and/or walk around the bushes behind a truck stop without any pants on. If you can't follow, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to avoid these abortions.

Just pathetic. We get it. You like your team. But that is no excuse for being a complete fucktard and acting like you accomplished something by setting some fucked up record. Fucking idiots. I hate you all.


Upstate Underdog said...

Maybe they were giving away free hats for all in attendance?

I'll give a pass to family members that went to the game, but other than that I would rather rearrange my sock drawer than watch a spring practice game.

Upstate Underdog said...

"shit my pants at my wedding"

I'm thinking this may actually happen.

J Beanie said...

G$, I know I've been a way for a while but today I come to you for your all knowing wisdom. I'm at the library here at the University of Akron (where there are a grand total of 28 books). I just went to the bathroom (no, I didn't have the same experience as Peter King). As I was drying my hands, I noticed there was a baby changing table. Why in the name of Graham Harrell being the Browns starting quarterback in three years is there a baby changing table in the men's restroom of a college library? If any college kid has a baby, there's no way he is taking care of it. And even if he does take care of his kid, he isn't bringing him to the library. This just baffled my mind and I thought you might be able to explain why there is such a thing. I'm really curious to see if there is one in the lady's room too, or in every men's restroom on campus. Why did they pick the library and not the dining hall? Please help G$.

Anonymous said...

You're just jealous when you see schools have that many people go to their spring games, because it just goes to show the vast superiority over the schools like miami of ohio in football.

Suck it.


GMoney said...

Yep, you got me there, Drew. I stay up at night wishing that I was a fan of anOSU. Idiot. I bet that you went, too. I heard that some guy was giving free HJ's under the South endzone and that is your forte.

Beanie, that is a real puzzler. Maybe it was a unisex bathroom before? The real question is, how many times do you think that Charlie Frye got laid on that thing? At least a few I would think.

Mr. Ace said...

I plan on attending the Michigan spring game within the next two years. Its more so because RichRod completely changed around the format that Lloyd and made the spring game an actual game. The Big House will also be fully renovated by the start of 2010, another reeason that I will go. But that will probably be the only time I go.

I see nothing wrong with it though, it has been four months since we have seen a college football game.

Dustin said...

There are many reasons to go besides the scrimage. It let's families see the historic stadium for very cheap. It is an excuse to tailgate. You get to watch the future greatest college player ever progress. You get a taste of football because were all starving.

Haven't you been to spring training baseball games?? Didn't you go watch the cavs play a preseason game this year!? You're a hippocrite!!!

Anonymous said...

As much as I love Ohio State football, sitting and watching a practice game, especially as hot as it was, is not something that I consider fun. I've never been to a spring game and don't ever see myself going. They are boring and they never really show you much about your team that you don't already know, especially a team coached by Jim Tressel, who really isn't going to show you anything.

I spent my time much more wisely on Saturday...tearing up Minerva Lake Golf Club.


Dustin said...

And how sweet was that to have verlander bust out against the Yankees!!! The sweep is on!!!

GMoney said...

It let's families see the historic stadium for very cheap.
*They can see it in the Fall against a MAC team when it actually counts.
It is an excuse to tailgate.
*You don't need a parking lot to day-drink.
You get to watch the future greatest college player ever progress.
*Tim Tebow plays in Gainesville and Dan Dye graduated a few years ago!
You get a taste of football because were all starving.
*The god damn NFL Draft was on which is a million times more entertaining than a scrimmage.

Haven't you been to spring training baseball games??
*Yes, and it was dull but at least they played other teams.
Didn't you go watch the cavs play a preseason game this year!?
*Yes again, but we sat courtside and, again, IT WAS AGAINST ANOTHER TEAM.
You're a hippocrite!!!
*And you can't spell...unless that was a fat joke.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dustin is the dumbest woman alive.

Anonymous said...

Tell us more about your playing days, G$.

--Megan Fox

Tony B. said...

I don't really care if people attend their team's spring game- that's their own problem. My problem comes when ESPN televises many of the spring games. That is needlessly cutting into time that they could be showing a Lumberjack Competition or reruns of the Cheap Seats- both of which would be far superior.

Anonymous said...

I am kind of with Dut on this, and having been to spring games in the past I can vouch for everything I say. It is true, spring games are boring, however, some of the people who go there are diehard football fans who are more interested in the players' development than the actual score of the glorified scrimmage. Also, it is a taste of football after having been without it for so long.

Lastly, and possible most importantly, it gives a lot of families who don't have the means to take their kid, who happens to be obsessed with Ohio State football, to a game. It gives that kid a chance to see the stadium and his favorite players in person. There are a lot of people like this and for that family it is a great opportunity. Oh, and there is a reason they don't go to a MAC game to see a game that matters...because in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. The teams suck, the stadiums suck, the players have little shot of being relevant in 4 years and the entire experience is largely irrelevant.

-Lil' Strut

P.S. I am the most interesting person you have met or ever will meet.

GMoney said...

Maybe I wasn't clear, I would never recommend going to a MAC game unless you believe in self-mutilation. I'm saying, if you want to experience a game with your gay son (if he's a diehard Buckeye fan at an early age, look forward to his coming out party) go to one of the early shit games at the Shoe against the lesser teams.

The weather is good. The students are still gone. The game actually counts. The tickets won't be expensive. Jim Tressel isn't wearing a tucked-in Hawaiian shirt.

I never realized that Ohio State fans were so concerned about the "family experience". Think about that the next time you are on beer #40 before a noon kick-off, assholes.

Anonymous said...

You missed a little bit of Lil Struts and Duts point. Although I have never been to the spring game. I assume you dont have the assholes that are on beer #40 by noon and the tickets do not cost $65 (I know you can scalp them cheaper, but as a father I am not going to be that dad that asks his 5 year old to hold up two fingers for tickets. If me and my son go I am going to have tickets). For dad's if they miss a play because junior needs a candy bar who cares.

I think it is a better family experience.

I think I would rather pay $5.00 to watch them play themselves than $65.00 to play the Ohio's.

No need to be bitter that there wont be 95,000 people attend the entire Miami of Ohio home schedule.

GMoney said...

Why do you think that I'm bitter? I'm not. The point is, as it always is, Ohio State fans are fucking idiots.

There is no way in Hell that we would draw 95K at Yager this year. This does not bother me. I'm not sure why this is a comeback. I don't take our shittiness personally.