Monday, March 09, 2009

Ohio: The Shrunken Testicle Of It All

You don't have to look closely or be a bigot to realize that the guy in this picture is a collosal sack of shit. He may be packing the same set of abs that I do, but he's an asshole. And you know it. But I would bet everything I own that he was in Columbus this weekend.

Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but I am actually quite a tolerant person. I'm not a racist (except for the Greeks thanks to giving the world Kosta Koufos). I'm not prejudice against anyone (other than Muslims which our previous political regime taught us were all evil, bomb-carrying terrorists). I'm not even sexist (but my future wife better have fucking dinner on the table by 7 pm every fucking night). However, there is one group of soul-sucking leeches that I despise more than nude pictures of Dame Judi Dench...and this group of social misfits are known as "Meatheads".

You would think that a city chock full o' Buckeye fans would be packed to the brim when it comes to douche bag to normal people ratio. I would estimate that that equation is probably around 20:1. We smart, intelligent people are greatly outnumbered wherever we go in the state capital. It's normally easy to deal with our underdog status in central Ohio just by showcasing our superior intellect. But this weekend, there was nothing that I could do. The ratio was too much to overcome. It hit an all-time high at 400:1.

I know what you're asking, "what the fuck happened, G-Funk?" Well, the city was overrun by a triumverate of events that led to roaming bands of meathead nomads coming from all over the world to compare back acne and black eyes on their spouses. This weekend, in Columbus, we were subject to The Arnold Classic, a UFC Pay Per View at Nationwide Arena, and the state wrestling tournament. How I wasn't killed last night, I will never know because I walked right into the belly of the beast. Maybe they were too busy giving each other high fives or staring at themselves in the mirror.

The Arnold Classic - I don't know how many years in a row Schwarzenegger has been putting this body-building expo on now, but it really needs to stop. They spend the whole weekend trying out designer steroids, watching assholes flex, modeling tank tops, comparing tiny dicks, and oiling each other up. Everyone that attends this event is probably gay but masks their homoerotic tendencies by snorting Creatine. They are just one willing mouth away from turning the Classic into a full blown orgy. Only this time, they will not be doing it to keep the people from the future from taking our jobs. Oooooh, look at that guy's lats!

UFC - I don't get it. It's really popular, I guess, but it's not for me. Maybe it's because I don't want to be put in the same class distinction as UFC fans. I have no desire to get a neck tattoo of some weirdo Japanese symbol, wear a cut-off t-shirt everyday, and own a pimpin' single wide trailer. Now I'm not saying that all UFC fans are white trash, just most of them. And they are frightening as hell. They watch this stuff all the time and probably know a few ways to kill you. I watch a lot of the NBA, but I have no clue as to how I would go about shooting someone in the face.

High School State Wrestling - I don't have a problem with this. Of course, I would prefer it to be more like professional wrestling than the amateur style. But I'm sure that many of those that attended this event also went to one of the other two above. And that ain't too cool. While discussing this topic with commenter, Dut, Saturday night at a bar downtown while I oozed machismo, he admitted that he used to wrestle and achieved ringworm on multiple occasions. Gross. What a rump ranger.

PBA - The Pro Bowlers were also in town this weekend! You don't know this about me (unless you really know me), but there is NO ONE that loves televised bowling more than I do. That being said, when a complete homo like Chris Barnes escapes Columbus with a championship, well, I ain't down with that.

Ugh, for once, I am actually thankful that the only assholes left in Columbus today are Ohio State fans. Maybe I've been taking them for granted but a shitty local sports weekend like this makes me happy that all of the meatheads are gone. Jesus, the only way that Columbus could have been douchier is if Drew Rosenhaus, Woody Paige, A-Rod, Hal Sparks, and Tyler Hansbrough showed up. Meatheads need to die.


Anonymous said...

Finally G$ we have a common ground....bowling on TV!!!

As long as Mike Scroggins didn't win yesterday I was OK with it, but agree that Barnes is a douche, but he is the two-time defending champion now!!

How you survived this weekend is a miracle.....


Anonymous said...

Every time I look at Mike Scroggins a laugh for like ten minutes straight.


Dustin said...

I hate the ufc. The guy I work with went and he won't stop talking about it today. He said it was great because a stretcher had to be brought in the ring twice! What a sport!

saul hudson said...

I had a bar maid once tell me that state wrestling weekend was the worst weekend of the year for the local bar service industry. The wrestling fans are the rudest customers of the year, and good tips are very few, reported the woman. I'd assume UFC fans could be lumped in there now. No reaction to T.O to Buffalo??!

GMoney said...

Hudson, I have no reaction because Buffalo is meaningless to me and clearly the Redskins don't need an upgrade at WR.

Mike Scroggins = the dad from Just The Ten Of Us, which is a vastly underrated show considering that it was a spin-off of Growing Pains.

Mr. Ace said...

This post could have been great, but you missed the one reference that would have put it over the top. BEEFCAKE! How does Cartman on Beefcake not make it in here?

Instead, you scanned one of your pictures from your collection of Playgirls.

PBA on TV is at least 10 times gayer than UFC and wrestling.

GMoney said...

Getting wasted off of Stroh's and trying to break 100 will always be better than getting your ass kicked by some asshole named Rampage. Bowling is way more awesome than UFC, meathead.

Tony B. said...

What an appropriate Family Guy for you last night (as Peter turned gay.) "Remember how you said you always wanted to be in an 11-way?..."

Anonymous said...

G-Money, are you going to the MAC tourney or trek to Fayette for LWM's poker tournament?


GMoney said...

I will be at the MAC tourney finals if Miami somehow overcomes their shittiness and gets there. I can't do LWM's tourney because I have to work on Saturday morning.

Anonymous said...

"Um, yeahhhhhhhhhhh, we're going to need you to go ahead, and come in on Saturday....that'd be great.....THANKS"!!!!

Hoffman--are you thinking about sneaking over for my tourney this weekend??