Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Mmmm Bathroom Breakfast

If you like it when this blog goes on wild, random tangents then strap yourself in...because this one is a doozy.

So yesterday morning at work, it was about an hour after I had finished my daily twenty ounces of coffee and my bladder was it's usual filled to the brim. For some stupid reason, I wait until the last possible moment before I leave my cube to take a piss. So I'm pretty much dead-sprinting to the bathroom to try and avoid peeing all over myself which I once drunkenly accomplished at a church festival (that is a story for another day, but let's just say that you should always remember to unzip while urinating).

Now, we all know that no matter how clean a bathroom may seem, something is always awry. To steal a line from Dave Attell, it makes no difference what you use or how you try to cover it up, a john always stinks of lemons and ass. And my office shitter is no different.

But as I walked in there yesterday for a 5 minute tinkle, it was different. The customary rank scent was shockingly pleasant and familiar. It smelled like sausage in there. I made quick notice of someone occupying the middle stall and my mind was wandering about what the hell was going on in there today. I usually like to make sure that at least 15-20% of my piss finds the floor, you know, because fuck that place. I like to think that I allow those crafty illegals to earn their minimum wage. This aroma, however, was distracting me from being an asshole.

I finish my business still spellbound by what the hell could possibly be going in that middle stall. I narrowed it down to two possibilities:
1. The guy in there was making himself a monumental breakfast while taking a shit; which is both disturbing and disgusting
2. The guy's diet was comprised entirely of Jimmy Dean ground sausage logs

Either way, I don't know if I'll ever eat breakfast again. It makes me not miss meat all that much more. Shit stories...that's what you get from this blog. I'm what you call a classy fella.


J Beanie said...

How do you not ask the guy what is going on in there? Or better yet, go in the stall next to him and peer over the top to investigate yourself. I'm disappointed in you. You're better than that.

Also, what's wrong with cooking a great meal while taking a shit. That sounds like a fantastic time to me.

Allan Stokke said...

Ehh, still better then anything Jimmy Fallon's writer's have ever done.

Seriously, Space Train? A train that goes into Space? Seriously?

Upstate Underdog said...

Still better than the guy that jacks off in the stall at work? Does every office have one of those guys?

Upstate Underdog said...

speaking of Jimmy Dean sausage if you have never heard this, please do. hilarious.


Anonymous said...

Your piss story at the festival still cracks me uo till this day.


rstiles said...

Once again, a great post about your life...I love it!!!

GMoney said...

To end the speculation, I just got my new work computer today. Bitchin'.