Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Just When You Thought That Ohio Couldn't Get Any Dumber

I was listening to The Common Man and The Torg yesterday on The Fan (both of whom are now my Facebook friends!), and they were talking about this bullshit story. Apparently, in the small town of Washington Court House, about an hour south of Columbus, the citizens are a little bit pissed off at their boys basketball coach. Why? Because people from the sticks are idiots and would do the state a favor if they just moved to West Virginia. I can't find this story in print anywhere, but the gist is as followed:

During a practice, a couple of the players on the team got into it and started fighting. The coach broke it up. His punishment for the offenders was fairly simple and humiliating enough to teach them a lesson. They had to run a few laps around the gym holding hands. While not the most conventional method (I would have had them run suicides until they shit their pants), I think it teaches a valuable lesson: these are your teammates and you don't pull that shit.

But, of course, and in typical fucked-up American fashion, Mommy and Daddy are not pleased. Apparently, this sort of treatment toward Johnny Brickthree and Stevey Mikandrill is not tolerable. How dare the coach (who from what I can tell, has been VERY successful) treat their kid like that. Since when was fighting a teammate such a bad thing!

You know what the rub is here though, don't you? These hayseeds are so homophobic that they truly believe that a punishment like this could turn their kid gay. You just know it. I've been to Washington C.H. and it's as backwards as it gets. This town somehow made it out of The Ozarks. These parents don't care about the punishment, it's the fact that it could be construed as homosexual that bothers them. And fuck these people. Fuck them in the ass with an ear of corn (husk off of course). Because touching another guy's hand is foreplay. It's EVIL I tells ya!

People like to worry about the future of country only in terms of economics these days. I'm far more concerned about how the next generation of kids are such pussies that we will eventually morph into France, Jr. Seriously, we live in a day and age in which every kid has to participate, every kid gets a ribbon for participating, and we cancel all-star games because it's not fair to the shitty kids that aren't good enough to make it. It's terrifying. This whole country is turning into one giant douche (or perhaps a turd sandwich). And it's because, somehow, we've allowed the parents to have more power than the coach. That is fucked.

I'm only 28 and even I can now sit back and tell "back in my day" stories because of crap like this. Back in my day, if I fucked up in an O-Line drill, I had to go toe-to-toe in a blocking drill with a coach and, trust me, he would ALWAYS get an extra shot or two in to make his point. And that was only ten fucking years ago! Believe me, I could go on and on about how parents make me sick, but if I keep on this angry rant, I may not get my ribbon. After all, the entire culture of youth sports in this country is slowly but surely morphing into the Special Olympics. We're all winners!!! I need to start choking out parents. I really do. I urge you all to do the same. Maybe punch out a kid on a skateboard, too. God knows that they deserve it.


Grumpy said...

Sadly, you're right about it all.

Anonymous said...

I think we could see this coming when we got the good old ass chewing from, long and snoad. Fucking pussies wanting to possibly get the police involved, for making freshman carry us on their backs to the field for practice. When is america gonna get some balls again. Fucking PC

Nap town Wolverine

Upstate Underdog said...

I couldn't get past the picture and me imagining the two lesbos scissoring each other.

GMoney said...

NW, exactly! The best part of that week was taking an entire bottle of cold water and spraying it down the back of some freshman's shoulder pads. The little fucks had to deal with that for 3 hours.

"Back in my day", I got sucker-punched by a Senior because I BEAT HIM AT A GAME OF EUCHRE! Did I narc? No. I just rip on him for being a fag everytime his name comes up. You hear that, Cullen, you are a giant pussy and a shitty cardplayer!

I feel better about myself now.

Mr. Ace said...

Whats wrong with France?

KPietsch said...

That's some funny stuff. Here's a good one. Back in the day, if I didn't make a block, a certain coach would go crazy yelling "hip, hip, hip"... not sure if anyone recalls that, but I do recall a trash can flying over my head and almost knocking me out because I didn't get low enough to block.

Anonymous said...

All right boys, bring it back it in. This is not a Napoleon High School Football blog, as sweet as that would be.


Tony B. said...

During grueling three and half hour basketball practices, we had free throws for water. If we missed we got suicides rather than water. Ah, those were the days.

Oh, and hand-holding really is the gateway drug to anal sex- those hicks are just making sure the rest of the population doesn't get a taste of the forbidden fruit- how progressive of them!

GMoney said...

Damman, as much as you want to be, you are not the content police here. How could you not want to talk about Napoleon High School Football!!!

Anonymous said...

G-Money, you have been showing your gay side lately. Did you and Snoad hold hands after one of those affectionate lineman drills to make up.

I have been learning a whole new side of you.


Anonymous said...

Or the good old Van Ausdale ripping. Is he not the biggest bitch on the team? "Yes, coach he is" says Ceasar. Now that was some funny shit.

Nap Town Wolverine

allan stokke said...

Unfortunately for the coach, Timmy and Johnny were, actually gay.

Anonymous said...

Society is getting ridiculous today. We keep hearing more and more about Tee-Ball leagues not keeping score anymore and there are no outs either. They simply go through the batting order every inning.

Your own (if you are from Napoleon) Kitty Kat Basketball league no longer keeps score based on the entire game. They keep score by the quarters so those shitty teams that are getting blown out can feel good about themselves when they win the 4th quarter against scrubs.

Also, the BG Pee Wee Football league has a 5th quarter, in which score is not kept, but the scrubs are allowed to get their minimum plays. If you are going to let them have their minimum plays, put them in during the actual game and allow them to encounter some meaningful competition, maybe it will teach them that there are winners and losers in life, among other very valuable lessons.

I do have some positive news though. The N.W. Ohio Youth Football League (Napoleon is part of it) has decided to no longer give participation medals. Instead, after the playoffs only 1st place gets Trophies and 2nd & 3rd get medals. Here is some more bright news, part of the reason we did this was because the kids who finished last in the league would throw away their medals, because they didn't feel as if they deserved it. So maybe our society has hope, after all, and the parents just need to back the fuck off and quit trying to shelter their kids from the valuable life lessons that come from meaningful competition and working hard for something.

Sorry for the novel, but this is a topic I feel strongly about.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I think that we all do, Li'l Strut. And if you are a parent that buys your kid a skateboard, you have failed. Miserably. I don't know why I keep falling back on that, but I just feel so strongly that the people that do X-Games shit should be eaten by cobras.

Mr. Ace said...

The funny part is that everyone posting on here was those same losers that the parents are protecting now. If you fags wouldn't have grown up to be such sosiopaths then this change would have never came. I blame the money shot.