Thursday, March 26, 2009

How To Induce Vomiting


Have you ever thought that eating at a certain restaurant sounded like a good idea but five minutes after you finished, you realized that that was an awful decision? It's sort of like Jim Gaffigan's bit on Hot Pockets. After devouring that shit, you never, ever mutter the phrase, "I'm glad I ate that". Today, we take a break from sports talk to discuss 5 places that serve absolutely horrendous food and most people are too stupid to notice. And I guarantee that you will all disagree with at least one of my choices.

So why this topic? Why today, you ask? Well, last week, I was in the mood for breakfast for dinner (one of the greatest inventions ever). Seeing that I am still rocking it when it comes to being a vegetarian (16 more days!), pancakes or some other reasonable facsimile seemed like a good idea. She$ and I went to Bob Evans and the stuffed french toast or whatever the fuck they are called looked mighty tasty. I could not have been more disappointed. They appeared to be smeared with gallons of horse cum and tasted even worse. Bob Evans is usually a halfway decent meal, but they really shit the bed last week. Needless to say, they fell just one spot short of making this list. I'm not willing to write them off entirely, but it's time to step up, Bob.

5. Hooters - Tits, short shorts, and fake flirting can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to actually, you know, make a wing that's edible. And by the way, caked in grease and with an inch of skin is not a good recipe. Take it easy on the deep fryer and actually work on some tasty sauces. Have you ever had their fries? The main ingredient is salt and that is including the potato. If you can't do wings and fries right, your waitresses should just walk around topless and offer BJ's instead of wetnaps. Hmmmm, sounds like an idea for a chain of Money Shot-related restaurants/whorehouses.

4. Applebee's - This really shouldn't even be mentioned because everyone hates Applebee's. But that being said, I end up at one about once per year and it always sucks. Over the past year or two, I've turned into a big ribs guy. I love them. Best food ever. As Chappelle's Show taught us, they give you that "itis". Have you ever had the "riblets" at Applebee's? Dear God are they shitty. In fact, whenever I want ribs, I won't go to a restaurant that is within a square mile of the riblets. The only good thing about Applebee's is leaving.

3. Ruby Tuesday - She$ and I have a running joke about this dump in which we always complain about the place, but for some strange reason, we end up going back. It really speaks to how awful a restaurant is when the big draw for me is the fucking salad bar. Seriously. I would rather get the salad bar then order an entree. Everything there tastes weird. It's like they mis-spice everything on the menu. Cinnamon on steak? Fuck yeah! Do you know what would make this spinach and artichoke dip better? Peanut butter!

2. Donato's Pizza - I don't understand how people can like this shit. The crust sucks. It costs twice as much as it should. Eat one slice and you are thirsty for two weeks straight. It's like eating sand off of a layer of cardboard. I would rather get a $5 pie from Domino's or Little Caesar's than the same pie from Donato's that costs $18. It's absurd. Do they not see what their competitors are charging? Now I will give them credit, the Founder's Favorite is the best pizza in the world (sausage, ham, banana peppers) that doesn't involve sauerkraut, but it costs all of King Midas's silver (White Goodman reference!). I loathe Donato's.

1. Chipotle - I just don't get it. This place is fucking awful. But people love it for reasons that I can't comprehend. What do you think of when you think of a burrito? If you are sane, probably just some type of meat, cheese, and veggies. Chipotle wants you to believe that STICKY RICE is a fucking ingredient! The most important ingredient! What the fuck? Who puts a staple of Chinese food into Mexican cuisine? It's bizarre. And I know, you don't HAVE to get the white rice in it, but you have to specially ask them not to put it in there. Half the God damn burrito is filled with tasteless rice! They cut corners, man, and I don't like it. 50% rice, 30% lettuce, 5% meat, and 15% feces! I don't care, I'll say it: Taco Bell is better. There. It's out there. And I know that one of my readers actually has stock in this pile of shit restaurant. It's a terrible place that brainwashes people into believing that white rice and barbacoa are brother and sister. Fuck Chipotle. And fuck everyone that enjoys it's raw sewage taste.

Man, all this talk about crappy Mexican food makes me want to get some cheesy fiesta potatoes. Why can't every place just make the greatest dish ever...the KFC mashed potato bowl. It is the greatest concoction ever invented. I wish that I could use it as soap. I've been sitting on this post for a long time and finally, yesterday, the whore that sits next to me was talking about how great Chipotle was and it finally set me off. So here you go. 5 restaurants that are worse than White Castle. Mmmm sliders...

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

La Bamba>Q Doba>Chipotle

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Mash potato bowl, best ever now im fucking hungry!!

NW Wolverine

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing NW Wolverine is Glick's new online name. He is known for having an unhealthy obsession with the Famous Bowls.

-Damman

GMoney said...

La Bamba is the best. It was a sad day when they closed the one down in Oxford.

Unhealthy obsession = rubs it on his balls.

Mr. Ace said...

I agree with everything....except chipotle, of course. Hey retart, have you never heard of rice and beans....a staple of Mexican cuisine.

Mashed potato bowl is the shit.

Smokey Bones is the worst restaurant I have ever ate at. They ruined ribs worst than I ever thought imaginable.

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with owning chipotle stock? Its actually the best in my portfolio at the moment. Trading at $67 a share today. Most bank stocks are worth less than $$10 now. -GSaul

Anonymous said...

How gay is it that you are talking about portfolio's.

GMoney said...

Thank you, last anon. If I wanted to discuss the economy, I would put on a bed sheet and drink out of my Margaritaville like Randy Marsh.

Ace, rice is a staple of Mexican cuisine. Sticky rice is not.

rstiles said...

The best place to eat - Waffle House....

Super eggs...everything is greasy...good strips of bacon!!!

Mr. Ace said...

But does your Margaritaville have a built in salsa dispenser?

Tony B. said...

Chipotle's bigger fault is how salty all of their food is. I'm not sure I've ever used salt at a Mexican restaurant- but thanks Chipotle for adding all the salt I'll ever need to the burrito before I ever take a bite.

dAndy ManCandy said...

@ rstiles: Waffle House is good, but best when drunk or recovering from a hard night of drinking. May I suggest the double patty melt plate with hasbrowns smothered, covered, chunked, and topped.


/If you were high it would also be a great establishment

//From what I hear of course.

Dustin said...

I completely agree with everything on here. I've never been to ruby Tuesdays so ill assume it sucks.

Finally somebody who agrees that chipotle sucks! That steak burrito that you all love has 1200 calories so in 10 years there will be no more chipotle because all the lovers will be dead.

Another strike is they threatened to call the police on me because I ordered my burrito to go and I sat at a table. Also, I ordered a water and put pop in it. Who gives a shit? Fuck them.

Anonymous said...

I was up with your reasoning and how you could dislike a place until you got to Chipotle. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the 4th meal. In fact, people give me a wierd look when I tell them I love it and eat it sober. But saying Taco Bell is better than Chipotle is like saying the Chevy Aveo is better than the Chevy Corvette. The only thing it wins on is price, because in performance it gets skullfucked. I just hope hope occasional commenter Daniel doesn't read this post. He will think its blasphemous.

-Lil' Strut

Irishman said...

I love Chipotle.. La Bamba is awesome as well.

SSReporters said...

This is probably the funniest non-sports post I've ever read.

Applebee's sucks. Plain and simple. Thank goodness there is a Black Angus close by even though it's (unsurprisingly) expensive.


Denny's though is the worst. If my egg is swimming and moving by itself then that's a problem. I didn't no I'd be getting oil with breakfast as a side order.


Afterwards the bathroom was a toxic waste site at my home. Whole family had their stomachs wrecked.

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